It’s a buyers market. Unfortunately it came on the heels of a liar’s market. Sara and I bought our first house right before Christmas and we are scheduled to close this Friday. If you think it is really a buyer’s market, do me a favor and attempt to purchase a house. Our agent wrote at least a dozen offers on our behalf (many at the asking price) before we actually got a house. And the one we did end up with we bought at an online auction. In another in a long list of this country’s efforts to have the responsible people pay for the irresponsible people’s mistakes, we have to jump through hoops that you can’t imagine.

And yes, to be perfectly clear, it is the responsibility of the INDIVIDUAL not to get himself/herself into a bad loan. The banks offered some crazy loan products back in the days of the housing bubble when money was free. I know because when I bought my last house I saw loans that were nuts. They approved me for over $300,000 on my $45,000 a year income because they could magically adjust the payments so I’d have a low payment for three years and then the small issue of a $20,000 payment at one time (never touching the principle, of course).

So the banks aren’t without fault by any means. But the individual is really the one who willingly signed the papers. I set my price at half of what I was approved for and used a realistic loan when I bought my condo, and luckily I still have it. Was the loan problem a result of deregulation? Partly, but I’d much rather see legislation that would force people to do some required reading than legislation that lowers the standard to the most retarded common denominator.

So now we have to prove that we didn’t open a line of credit to come up with a down payment, sign everything five times, move closing dates, and pay absolutely insane fees to even more people. And if one or both of use lose our jobs, it’s all in the toilet anyway. So what has been improved? Nothing. Stupid people can now continue to avoid learning a damn thing secure in the knowledge that Uncle Sam will protect them.

Anyway, we’re dancing in the condo in anticipation of moving into the house. Every time we hear our seemingly epileptic neighbors fling themselves against the wall in what I can only assume is an effort to ask their caretakers for more pudding, we say “5 more days” and do a chest bump. We are the only couple I know who celebrates small victories like a perfectly cooked filet with an end zone dance.

And then I silently visualize the small hole a rocket propelled grenade would put in the wall before it turned the neighbors into pizza toppings. I bet I could even patch it and paint it before the cops showed up. Trust me, I’d be doing the world a favor by keeping them from spawning.

What makes married people turn retarded?

I noticed before I got married that most married people exhibited some absurd couple-based behavior. I’d hear people tell me about being up all night chasing a bug that their wife thought they saw in the bathroom, not speaking to one another because they had a fight the day before, not being allowed to hang out with certain friends, and on and on.

Out of pure self-doubt, I chalked it up to my not being married and not knowing or having any desire to know the nuances of such a terrible institution. I have since learned that marriage, in fact, makes 60% of people combine their own insanity with that of their partner. The result is something that is greater than the sum of its parts. So I’m going to espouse my opinion on this stuff, as I am wont to do at (all) times.

Combining Email addresses/facebook pages.
God forbid I have to continue thinking of the two of you as individuals. I mean, once you get married you can’t possibly have your own identities, because your combined persona is going to be way more interesting than you were before. I understand combining bank accounts (especially since mine is empty at the moment and hers isn’t) – it’s just easier practically to manage finances when both parties know what is going on.

But I needled an acquaintance of mine who we will call JasonlovesJulie about why they combined their facebook accounts. It started when I suggested that they list their college as Clemford Univecnical Institollege and their hobbies as Scrapcollecting and Rundeogaming.

I love when people try to explain something that doesn’t make any sense. All you have to do is listen and occasionally mutter something like “hmm…I see” and as they hear themselves speak you can detect a change in tone as they realize that they are not making any sense. Sometimes they’ll just trail off and change the subject, and sometimes they’ll just say “Hell, I don’t know. We just do it that way to avoid another fight.”

So JasonlovesJulie said that the biggest reason they combined all of their electronic communications was “just to avoid any weirdness”.

“So you don’t trust her, or she doesn’t trust you?”
“Haha, no it’s not her, it’s the guys who hit on her.”
For the record, JasonlovesJulie has quite a hot wife. But I’m not supposed to say that because marriage exists. More on that in a minute.
“What? So what if guys hit on her? Is she banging any of them?”
“No, but I got an email from a girl and she found it and we had a huge fight and blah blah blah combined email addresses and gave up our individual identities…”
“Did you bang the girl?”
“No, man. She’s just a girl I went to highschool with who is looking for a job.”
“So are you clinically insecure, or is your wife?”
“Dude. Why are you busting my balls? What would you do if Sara was talking to another guy on facebook?”
“She probably is. Shit, last week she went to dinner with her former intern when she was in Chicago.”
“A Dude?!”
“Yes.”
“No fucking WAY. Not a chance I’d be cool with that.”
“It helps if you think about it this way – She married me. She didn’t marry me for my money or my looks, that is for damn sure, but I’m sure she has her reasons. I married her. I married her for her money and her looks. Just kidding. I married her because she is right for me. If she or your wife or anyone else decides they want to go elsewhere for some affection, there is not one single thing on this earth you will ever be able to do to stop her. Except killing her, which I do not advise.”
“You had to be a little jealous, though. You aren’t perfect.”
“Absolutely not perfect. If something mechanical doesn’t work, I will hit it with a hammer and run it over with my car and basically go bananas. I’m sure I’ll hurt myself or someone else eventually if I don’t get that under control. Jealousy is not one of my flaws.”
“I just can’t think that way. I’m always wondering.”
“Okay, dig on this vibe, my main man (I’m trying to bring back the language from the 70s as long as the haircuts and economy are headed that way) – what do women find more attractive than money, muscles, cars, or anything else?”
“Girth?”
“Exactly. Confidence, jackass. Now think back to when you were 19 and blind with jealousy. How much energy did you waste worrying about a chick who ended up with another guy anyway? I personally wasted enough energy to form a tropical depression that eventually became a hurricane. You may have heard of Hurricane Grace? Not a big one, but considering it came entirely from the power of my jealousy…”
“Hold on. I have another call.”

Ironically, the hold music was “Take it on the Run” by REO Speedwagon.

“Yeah. Okay. I’m back. Do you have a point?”
“Shut up and learn. In theory she married you because there is no one on earth better than you in her eyes. Just be that guy. If she goes to a bar without you, do you REALLY have such a low opinion of her or yourself that you think she’ll be able to find someone better than you in a waist-deep doucheswamp?”
“Well, you have to…”
“Not finished. Have you ever once looked at another chick and thought ‘Yeah, I’d risk the five years I’ve been with Julie for a chance to angrily pump one out in the stairwell with that broad.’?”
“No way. But I do see chicks I think are hot all the time.”
“Everyone does. They didn’t go extinct after you got married.”
“But see, she gets pissed if I say another chick is hot.”
“That’s because she is crazy.”
“Huh? Wait…Dick. She’s not crazy. Well, if she is, I married crazy.”
“I dunno. Maybe crazy is the wrong word. Control freak life-ruining whore?”
“Ass. You barely know her.”
“Seriously I don’t know if there is a solution to it – I doubt it’ll ever be fixed, honestly. I’m just saying jealousy is a younger man’s game and you two are wasting your time worrying about it.”

So they still have one email account and JasonstilllovesJulie and everything, but seriously, what is with married folks?

Don’t call my wife hot.
I was at a party last year and was talking to a girl named Kim. Amazingly Sara was off talking to someone else and not trying to gouge my eyes out for conversing with a girl who was not her. At some point I mentioned to someone else, “Kim is really pretty” in the same way you’d say “That’s a red car” or “I bet that nun looks weird naked”. It is implied that I have no interest in having relations with the car or the nun. Or so I thought.

I was instantly met with “She’s MARRIED.” In a rather accusatory tone. I replied “So am I. Are other girls not allowed to be pretty, or am I just not allowed to be observant?”

I even remember once a long time ago when I complimented a chick on her coat, which was made out of old pairs of pants. Before thanking me for the compliment she informed me that she was married, which sort of pissed me off. “I wasn’t asking you out, I was just going to see if you knew where I could buy one for my grandmother.”

Bitch.

Not everyone who is married acts like that, but I’d say a solid 5 of ten do. I’d be almost as amazed if it was 2 out of ten. Exactly as amazed if it was 2 out of 4.

I was discussing this very subject with Nightmare and Jenna on Blackskyradio.com CLICK IT, FUCKER. And Nightmare offhandedly called my wife hot. I went insane with rage and had to be sedated. Or maybe I said, “Hells yes, she is. Her need for glasses and better judgment definitely worked in my favor”

By the way, Black Sky Radio on Thursdays at 4:30 EST. Be there. Every Thursday. Don’t be like everyone else in my life who says “Oh, you were on that show again? I would listen, but I never know when it is on.”

4:30 PM ON THURSDAYS. EVERY THURSDAY. AT 4:30 PM EASTERN. IF YOU LIVE IN OKLAHOMA IT WILL BE 3:30 PM and so on…

Having children also makes people retarded.

After learning that it was not I that was wrong when it comes to marriage making people do stupid things, I started thinking, “What about all of those mental cases who have kids and start doing weird things?” Again, I do not have kids myself, nor do I claim to know how to raise a child. I was a child once, however, and I also happen to have plenty of common sense.

“She won’t eat dinner unless the giggles are on TV”
One of you is the one who bought the TV and pays the cable bill and made the dinner, and the other one of you weighs 22 pounds and shits her pants. If you want her to eat without the television on, turn it off. I’ve done this and seen it work. Kids can’t use the remote, especially if you hide it. They also don’t know there are other ways to control the television. The response I got was “Turn the TV back on!” to which I responded “Santa isn’t real and your dog got hit by a car. Eat your eggs and I’ll turn the TV back on.” Plates were clean in 2 minutes. Of course, that was with my niece and nephew who have been raised to understand that the biggest person in the room makes the rules.

“He only eats ravioli for breakfast. He won’t eat cereal”
Again. One of you is a grown up, and one is a child. I’m not saying he has to like eggs benedict, but it would seem (from a purely common sense perspective) that teaching a person that all they have to do is refuse to do something in order to get things the way they want it is setting them up for a lifetime of bitter disappointment. My brother had cold peas for breakfast more than once when we were kids because he wouldn’t eat them for dinner. He hated it, but guess who got pretty good at eating what mom fed him?

“I was going to go to the store and grab some beer before you came over, but she doesn’t like when I leave her with mom lately. She was freaking out.”
This looks like a great opportunity to prove to her that you will be back in ten minutes. It also seems like a great opportunity to teach her that she doesn’t make those decisions unless she does so by avenues other than screaming.

I have a friend who has three of the smartest kids I know, and I attribute their maturity and problem solving skills largely to the way they are parented. They do not believe that the world revolves around them, nor do they believe that they are inherently awesome just because they are on this earth. They have never been taught that they will get anything without working for it, but they have been taught to come to their parents not to report a problem, but with potential solutions. They have been taught to think, not just react. It really is a contrast to some of the other little bastards I have been around.

Of course, Sara and I might have huge differences in parenting philosophy, but we don’t know yet because if we talk about kids she will become pregnant. It’s science. Look it up.

I could get started on the scientifically baseless panic that surrounds vaccinations too. If I ever have kids, they will get vaccinated. Know why? Because vaccinations keep people from getting really bad diseases. Yes, a small percentage also have developed big problems, but there are two things to consider (forgive me, this is just logic and reason here) – 1. Since the 1960s when a bunch of kids got a bad vaccine, there has not been one case of autism, downs syndrome, club feet, bad attitude, or peanut allergies that can be scientifically linked to a vaccine. Scientifically linked. I feel I need to repeat that. 2. Let’s just say that one in 10,000 kids died from a vaccine. I’d also estimate that one in 10,000 automobile accident fatalities were caused by a seatbelt. So if you are freaked out about vaccinating your kids, keep them away from those dangerous seatbelts too.

Use your brain, not your emotions.

Oh yeah. Black Sky Radio at 4:30 eastern on Thursday. Call in if you want.