Two new things I do at work now, to add to my daily routine-

1. When I get in in the morning, and take off my jacket/sweater, I do it very suggestively, strip tease style, swinging it around my head and gyrating my hips in a verrry suggestive way. Sometimes I throw it on someone and expect them to clutch it to their chest and start weeping with joy. They usually don’t, but that doesn’t stop me from doing it again the next day.

2. Every day when I leave, I act like I’m quitting. I stand up in a huff, say something like “This is bullshit, I’m outta’ here”, and storm out. No one really knows if I am coming in the next day. No one except ME.

Three days ago, I started reading “The One Minute Millionaire”, and made a commitment to work toward the goal of a net worth of at least a million dollars in a very deliberate way. In my wake, I shall leave the quivering heaps of flesh that once were those who stood in my way. That’s not part of the book, just something I added to make it more interesting. It is a great book. I highly recommend it.

This morning I made an additional commitment that may interfere with my road to fortune. I will never buy cheap underwear again. 92 pair for six dollars just means that by the time I walk out of the house, it feels like I have a twisted towel between my legs. Then after I wash them, the waistband looks like a lasagna noodle and has lost all of its stretchy properties.

In the outrage department, this makes absolutely no sense to me. If anyone knows how this is a good idea in any way, please shit in your hand and punch yourself. So, your feelings are hurt because you didn’t get your name on the honor roll? That attitude is why you’ll spend the rest of your life depending on someone else. Here’s an idea:

See, if you work hard, you are rewarded. You aren’t required to work hard, but you won’t receive the same rewards as those who do. If that is not the kind of society you want, join a commune, and stop getting in the way of those who would achieve. Pansies.

It’s a public school in America, for god’s sake. I think you get a B just for showing up and having your pants on.

I know… I’m an illegal and unjust racist conservative jackass capitalist corporate sellout. Whatever. You’re fired. I know you don’t work for me, but you probably will someday.

Here’s another one- James Brown is in jail again for domestic violence. I know, it was nigh as shocking as the whole “Michael Jackson likes little boys” allegation. So pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself off, and get ready to be knocked on your ass again.

I know. I think it is the greatest photo ever taken. He needs to jump back and groom himself once in a while. The whole thing made me wonder “Just how hard is it not to punch people when you are mad?”

When I was a kid, I had no control over my temper. That took years of therapy and drugs, and now the beast is only loosely contained, but I haven’t punched anyone since Jr. high school. I learned at an early age not to lose my cool with my parents, as the beating unleashed on me would far outweigh any shitty tantrum I could throw.

I think I took a swing at my mom when I was three or four. I remember turning to see my dad coming at me, and everything just going black until a few days before my seventh birthday. Consequences are a great teaching aid.

When I was about eight years old, one of my friends pushed me off my skateboard, and it pissed me off. On the way back up, I punched him right in the face, and he dropped like a sack of batteries. He started to cry, and his nose/mouthular area was all covered in blood and snot, so naturally, I started to cry. We both got in trouble- me for punching him, and him for being an asshole, I guess. Maybe it was for not fighting back. His dad was sort of weird like that.

Anyway, the point is that during the growing up process, I sort of figured out that it is almost never okay to punch someone, throw things at people in anger, or otherwise inflict physical harm on another person, unless she is wearing leather and holding a whip.

Where was I? Oh yeah. James Brown, his brother Bobby, Tommy Lee, and Mike Tyson seem never to have learned this lesson. We all get pissed at our significant other, and when it comes down to it, one of the two people has to maintain grown up manners, to avoid letting things get to the “police report/ domestic violence/ accidentally killing her and having to cut up her body so you can store it in the freezer and feed it to the dog in small chunks and no one will ever know” stage. I personally set my limits at yelling. As soon as the other person raises their voice, I am finished with the conversation. How many problems have ever been solved at full volume?

All of these guys have been arrested multiple times for the SAME THING. It would seem that the first time you had to pay a fine and do time in jail and have a picture like the one above plastered all over the internet, you’d just figure “Maybe I should try a different approach next time I get mad. Maybe one that doesn’t involve me breaking anyone’s nose.” It just seems so simple. I guess people who don’t grow up with consequences for their actions enjoy a different reality than the rest of us.

That doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of them.

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