Guest Writer: Buttless Chap

February 25th, 2004 by

I overslept this morning, and as I crawled out of bed I realized that this was going to be a bad back day. Not the kind where I need to have another operation on it, but one where the muscles are very sore and stiff. The first indication was my inability to move my legs in any way that would provide locomotion. The screaming and crying with every step was another indication.

I’ve gotten used to my friends laughing at the way I limp when I throw my back out, but that doesn’t mean I don’t cry when I’m alone. Pack your bags, we’re going on a guilt trip.

Tonight my brother, the Butless Chap, is playing his bass guitar in a rock band and I plan to bring all of my friends to cheer him on and throw stained boxers on stage. ALL of my friends- between the three of us, hell will be raised.

The Chap sent me an e-mail this morning that deserves posting in this here webscreen diaryblog rag thing, so here’s the background, and then I’ll put the funny: He works at the Flight School behind the desk, and he sent this e-mail regarding the on-line flight scheduling software we use. It is a relatively expensive piece of software, and has been performing shittily of late.

To: support@xxxx.com

Subject: Website SLOW

Hello,

I am contacting you from Peachtree Flight Center concerning extremely long wait times during navigating our company’s online scheduling system, which is hosted by you. We seem to be able to pull up any other web sites without trouble, but the online scheduling has been ridiculously slow. Several minutes go by and the page doesn’t always load after waiting that long. It’s been doing this since about Friday (intermittently, but several times per day) and is getting to be a little frustrating. The boss man wants some answers, so if you can furnish me with a reason for the delays, I’ll pass it on and hopefully alleviate any further research on his part.

Thank you very much,

Buttless Chap

PFC Dispatch

Now, My brother spent several years working phone tech support for a software company, so I have no doubt as to his ability to correctly phrase a question. It was a nice, diplomatic way of saying “Give me a reason that this is happening and a course of action so I don’t have to get the boss on the phone with you.”

Here is their response:

Subject: RE: Website SLOW

Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2004

Buttless Chap,

Thank for your message and I will be pleased to respond. I have just finished a conversation with our hosting vendor about reliability since 2/13 and particularly over the last four days. There are also options that are available to Peachtree to upgrade your service availability. Would you please send me the name and the e-mail address of the “boss man” so that I can properly reply to him? I will be sure to include you in my response.

Regards,

XXX XXXX

for XXXX.com

As with almost any company you call for help with their service, the only thing they did well was not answer the question, but they did that part brilliantly.

So, in response, he came up with this gem of a first draft response:

Dear unrelenting whoremongers,

Nice try and it’s PEACHTREE FLIGHT CENTER, not ‘Peachtree’. From this point forward, we shall be referred to by YOU as ‘The Overlords Who Furnish My Salary’. Let’s get started. What exactly is it we are paying for here if it isn’t ‘timely and reliable service’? I suppose we COULD buy upgrades until we’re blue in the face and you are able to retire and move out to the beach in your little myfbo beach house, but it won’t happen on my watch, pal o’ mine. I’ve never seen a support call turned into a sales call so quickly in my life. All this and you didn’t even answer my question. I guess that’s how you keep us hanging on in hopes of us buying the new “myfbo-turboplus5000gold.com edition”. Well, I got a news flash: the BOSS MAN is pissed. He doesn’t want your upgrades, He wants to know how your imaginary conversation with the hosting gods went and why these lifelong delays are not going to happen again. He also wants some of his money back that he spent last month on your slow ass service so he can afford to pay his employees for all the waiting around they did and so they can catch up on the work they missed while waiting a cumulative day for a simple schedule to pop up on their screens. By the way, he said it would be ok if you went through ME as a relay man. Let’s start from scratch, shall we?

I’ll ask the question again if you missed it the first time, or even the second time in my long-winded diatribe. Oh and as a side note, if I WERE to sick a slimy sales guy on the boss man, I’d rather not be ‘included’ in your sales spiel as the gateway to his annoyance, but thanks so much for thinking of the little people.

-Buttless

Of course he didn’t send it, but it was extremely good reading. He learned the art of getting sarcastic with corporate America partly by watching me deal with them, but we both learned from our dad, who is truly a wonder to watch when someone tries to give him the runaround.

Now’s the part where you all tell buttless to start a frigging diary already. I’ve been trying for about a year now. Seems a pity to let all of that humor go untapped.

I’ll be rocking my ass off (slowly and carefully, so as not to hurt my back) at the Brandy House On Roswell Road tonight for those of you locals who want to come see a good show. Tell ’em I sent you and get a free glass of water.

See you at 9:00.

Comments are closed.