Bad things happen in threes, right? So if your exhaust pipe rusts through and makes your car sound like a model airplane, you get a flat tire, and you have a leaky valve gasket, that’s three, right? Right? I mean, if the leaky gasket caused oil to foul the plugs and now the car needs a massive tune up, that should be four or five, right?

Or is it just one bad thing called “car fell apart”, and I still have a lightning strike and a gangrenous hangnail to look forward to?

The thing is, I knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed yesterday. I just had that feeling. I got in the car, backed up about three feet and realized I had gotten a nail in my tire the day before when I went to clean my old apartment so I could turn the keys in. It’s like the old apartment didn’t want me ever to forget how much it sucked, so it gave me a going away present. Actually two. The back parking lot is so full of mud puddles that my exhaust system rusted to pieces over the course of the year that I lived there.

Luckily, I always keep a can of that aerosol tire sealant stuff in my car. If you don’t do that, you need to. That is twice it has saved me from having to change a tire or have the car towed. What it didn’t save me from was locking my keys in the car (with the car running) while I fixed the tire.

I also keep a spare car key in my wallet for jus such an eventuality. I stopped and thought about how much of my time and energy is devoted to protecting myself from myself. Didn’t do much for my mood.

I filled the tire up the rest of the way at the gas station where compressed air costs 50 cents because they fly it in from the Antarctic compressed air mines or something. As I was filling the tire, I noticed one of those warning stickers on the air pump that said “Do not use this pump if your tire contains that aerosol tire sealant stuff because it is explosive and can cause harm such as death” That was paraphrased, but I don’t have my car right now, or I’d go back to the gas station and get the exact verbage. More on that later. The sticker made me scared, so I just left about 20 p.s.i. in the tire and decided to take it in and get new tires since the front ones are all smooth and I don’t do any drag racing.

As I’m pulling out of the gas station, I hear a thud. Actually, more of a “clink, ka chuh…vrooommm..”. My muffler was hanging down after having separated itself from the rest of the exhaust system, and now my car was loud. I guess I have neglected my car a little too long. I then found myself performing a little redneck car repair in the gas station parking lot. I got the muffler to stay put temporarily, and had enough air in the tire to get it to the Exxon that works on it. I was “that guy” on the highway. Seven lanes of cars going one direction at 70 mph, and me going slow so nothing falls off my car. Now I’m the guy going 50 while everyone zooms past me making faces and fingers that say “go faster”.

I gratefully pulled into the car service place, and gave the guy a list of crap that I knew the car needed, but I told him to call me with a price before doing any work. Still hadn’t heard from him by 5:30 pm, and I’m guessing that the damage is pretty bad. He finally called me this morning, addressing me as “D”, which I found at once endearing and uncomfortable.

Can someone tell me what a “massive tune up” is? I know the basics of a tune up, but when it falls into a vat of radioactive waste and gains powers, does that make it a massive tune up? Do they open a special air-lock chamber and equip themselves with bionic body parts so that they can massively tune up my Honda? So the damage is as follows- two tires, pipes and muffler, flush the transmission and change the oil (to avoid any future unpleasantude), the most massive tune up imaginable, plugs, plug wires, and at least one belt. For the low-low price of $1000. This is approximately 30% of the book value of my car.

They’d better wash it, for that kind of money. Hell, I’m expecting a sponge bath myself when I pick it up.

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