My friend Josh and I were talking over lunch about things like women, food, cars, television, and roller coasters. These are things guys talk about. He mentioned a theme park in Ohio that was nothing but roller coasters. They had the world’s largest, the world’s fastest, the world’s highest, and so on. My conclusion? Heaven is actually in Ohio. Imagine a place where really good-looking people sell you tickets to ride the world’s bluest roller coaster…

If it were my theme park, I’d take this roller coaster crap to the next tier. I’d put in new coasters every month and claim new titles for all of them. “Ol’ Heavy” would be touted as the world’s heaviest rollercoaster, and since no one is going to try and weigh it, it could just be a normal roller coaster. “Trust me. It’s very heavy.” I would say to the anxious riders. I’d also buy one of those stupid little train rides you see at petting zoos and on the ranches of pedophiles and call it the world’s most boring roller coaster, “Flat Slow Circle Ride”.

To save money without losing an attraction, the world’s most poorly maintained coaster, “Potential Disaster” would be the ride of choice for true takers of risk.

I’d even have one that would claim to change the sexual preference of the riders. Convincing them that they are now gay/straight after a 1 minute, 32 second series of loops and hills on “The ReOrient Express” would be as simple as saying “No. Seriously. You’re gay now. You’ll feel the full effect in a few days” as they exit the ride. You know they’d all leave with a tinge of doubt nagging at them. “Well, I do feel a sudden urge to be more fabulous…”

I’ve been working on another idea called “Virtual Boredom”, where a person would be riding a roller coaster, but they would be inside a box connected to a 3-axis hydraulic motion controller watching a screen that showed a long, flat road. This would effectively trick the rider’s senses into believing that he or she was driving through Kansas when actually they were on an exciting roller coaster. I was going to call this one “The World’s Worst Idea” until someone called me on the fact that country music is actually the world’s worst idea.

Later that day I was waiting for a date to show up at a restaurant, eavesdropping on a table full of girls next to me. Shut up. There is no crime in eavesdropping, especially if they are talking at a volume that leaves you no choice. They were talking mean about people in a disturbingly nice way, lowering their voices when they said the bad stuff in case the guy at the next table was listening. I found the ratio to be three compliments for every cut down. For instance “You know Amy in marketing? The really pretty one? Yeah, I wish I had her boobs. Have you met her boyfriend? He’s so hot.” There are your three compliments, so brace yourself, because Amy’s a slut and she’s knocking around with John from HR behind her boyfriend’s hot back. Oooooo.

It seemed later that the “merry-go” round (the single round of drinks that pushes everyone over the edge) came, and they were all suddenly and simultaneously intoxicated. The three compliment rule and the courtesy of lowering one’s voice before slander were thrown out the window. Now it was full volume “I hate that bitch”, “What a disease-ridden jizzmonkey”, and “that guy at the table next to us is an intrusive asshole.” Maybe the parabolic mic/digital monitor headphone set up was a bit much for simple eavesdropping.

By the time I gave up waiting for a date that never showed, two of the girls had started crying, one was mad, and the other one was just quiet, but looked like she was about to laugh, cry, burst in to flames, and rob a liquor store. Then one of the criers started laughing, and made the silent one mad.

I was just getting freaked out. Having dated women, I know how things can take an unexpected turn several times a day, leaving the male feeling like he just got slammed in the face with a really beautiful can of insanity, but I was witnessing what was truly the world’s most bewildering roller coaster, “The Estrogen Nebula”. Coming soon to Ohio.

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