Just in case you were starting to think that the ENTIRE REST OF THE COUNTRY might be figuring out that not all southern people are functionally retarded, we have this article to save the day. Feel free to read it, if it is still there. Most of it is just marginally interesting stuff about the G8 conference on Sea Island, but at the end, they get the opinions of the locals. I really don’t want to believe that these people are real, but I have a feeling they are. I wonder how many people they had to interview to get these statements. Granted, were I the interviewer and I heard these gems exiting the toothless mouth of a south-Georgia marsh dweller, I’d be pretty tempted to use them, too. Isn’t there any sense of journalistic responsibility that would keep you from perpetuating the myth that everyone in Georgia has a piece of straw hanging out of their mouth, a second grade education, a banjo, and a pair of their sister’s panties hanging from the rearview mirror in their Camaro? Maybe there used to be, but it went the way of the cassette tape and Michael Moore’s credibility.

Residents along Georgia’s marshy coast spent months worrying about the potential for mayhem at the summit: violent protesters, terrorism, traffic snarls, you name it.

Good start. Conjure images of a subhuman race of people who live in stilt huts in the marshes and have pet alligators that they use to keep the law away from their stills.

Now, people like Linda Mahoney are wondering what the big deal was.

“We got to meet a protester. She was really nice, a Christian,” said Mahoney, a St. Simons Island resident.

What? Diddy tolt me that all a’ these protesters was from the devil cause they had tattoos and don’t love Jesus, and some of ‘em girls what don’t wear bloomers has their hoo-ha’s pierced. How can someone be different than me and still be sort of like me? I need a nap.

The lack of trouble seemed to transform residents’ fears into curiosity.

I’m seeing small heads with two different sized eyes peeking out from behind things to see what all of the hullabaloo was. Mentioning that they had a certain level of “fear” of these different people was good too. Because people in the south are afraid of everything they don’t understand, and we only understand white heterosexual Christians, moonshine, and songs about racecars.

The military has some neat trucks and helicopters, they’ve noticed, and it’s fun watching two dozen state troopers line up to ride in big patrol parades, lights ablaze.

What the fuck is this? It’s not a quote, but it really reads like one. Of all of the residents in an otherwise civilized area, the best descriptor for trucks and helicopters was, “neat”? “Yeah, me an’ Shucks saw this one kinda’ motorcar with real blinkin’ lights on it, and while we ‘uz fishin’ this flyin’ machine with a spinning thang on top came over. It was…NEAT! I ain’t seen Shucks move that fast since he woke up with a snake in his britches!”

The chairman of the Glynn County Commission, Mark Bedner, said he is still worried anarchists might try to start trouble as the summit ends Thursday.

“They’re off by themselves. What are they doing?” he asked.

Did he really say this? Hey Mark, you know they’re up to some sort of tomfoolery. I bet they’re off figuring out a way to overthrow you so they can install their own form of anarchist government and take away your guns. Better go stop them.

But Mary Gatch said the summit hasn’t been nearly as bad as she feared.

“I don’t know what I thought they’d look like,” she said of the protesters. “Orange hair, gays and lesbians arm-in-arm … Your imagination runs away with you. But they look like regular folks.”

Oh god. Run for the hills. Orange hair. Orange is a natural hair color, by the way. When my imagination runs away with me, it’s more of a post-modern apocalypse and my turning in to a robot shark and saving the world from doom on my flying unicycle. If your imagination can only run so far as to think of gays and lesbians arm-in-arm, there’s a place called Atlanta you need to see. In this magical city of godless indulgence there are neat flying machines, Special trails for the motorcars to ride on, gays and lesbians (and heterosexuals) arm-in-arm, and buildings so tall that on some days the tops actually touch the clouds. We go to picture shows, hear bands play rock and roll music, and some go to church on Sunday. Even the gay people, if you can imagine that.

I saw a comedian who said “interviewing a terrorist to get the islamic viewpoint of middle eastern opinions of America is like interviewing the grand wizard dragon guy from the Ku Klux Klan to get a feel for western Christianity.” Very true. Unfortunately, it is infinitely more entertaining to listen to some yokel named “Lugnut” describe what the tornado sounded like than to hear the weatherman talk about it.

Yeah, short entry. I have stuff to do. I’ll see you assheads at the Ballyhoo Orchestra show tomorrow night.

9 p.m.

I’d better see you all there.

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