I was completely uninspired for so long that I decided to write something that would reflect the degree of my uninspiredness. Last night I ordered Chinese because I was working on a painting and didn’t feel like cooking. If you spend $12 or more, they throw in some carifornia rolls. Whee, free sushi, I thought. No, I didn’t get food poisoning, so don’t skip ahead to the part where I use forty different words to describe diarrhea. What I did is mix a bit of wasabi with soy sauce because I had seen other people do it. It was pretty tasty, if a little spicy at times. A few minutes later I was sitting there painting and stuff, and I rubbed my eye. I guess I had a tiny wad of wasabi on my finger or something, because the pain was instant and ripped my soul out through my tear ducts. Let me give you some advice- if you are ever held captive by Chinese chefs and the give you the choice between a white-hot steel suppository and putting wasabi in your eye, choose the former. You’ll thank me. The part I hated the most was that even thought I only got it in one eye, my reaction was to start rubbing both eyes, which caused that temporary blindness you read about on bleach bottles and other things you shouldn’t put in your eyes. I figured I was finished painting for the evening, and decided to stagger around and say bad words for a while. I finally did the “flush eyes with water” thing I had read about, and it helped some, but everything was still all blurry.

So why not have fun with it?

That philosophy can make your life much more fulfilling. And it can make you millions of dollars. Case in point- I have a manifestation in the floor of my living room. People came from all over the southeast to see the image of the NASCAR goat after number three “THREECAR!!” Dale Earnhardt ate asphalt a couple of years ago. ‘Cause God needed a driver…sniff.

I don’t know if he charges people to look at it, but he should. A redneck and his money are easily parted. If they think that is cool, they’re in for a treat.

So back to the image. Everybody sees the Virgin Mary or Jesus or whatever in trees and reflections on buildings and puddles and stuff, but I am the first to have a manifestation of senator John Kerry in the concrete floor of my living room. And I would never have known if I hadn’t gotten a certain spicy green paste in my eye. At 10 cents a gander, 25 cents for a stare, I shudder to think of all of the revenue I have lost by not having sprayed Tabasco in my eye sooner. I’m going to post pictures, but you have to use the honor system and pay me for every time you look at it. My e-mail address is chameleondzyn@hotmail.com. Okay, now that you’ve donated, check out the pictures-

This is what I initially saw. Just the concrete floor of my living room. With Senator Kerry’s face in it. Not so obvious? Maybe you aren’t crazy enough. I’ll increase the contrast-

Still can’t see it? Well, maybe you’re just more normal than I am. It jumps out at me like mount friggin’ Rushmore. I outlined it and overlaid it so it was easier to see-

I know. Well worth the money.

Seeing the obvious possibility of overnight riches and fame, I looked around to see if there were any more apparitions in my house. My cat left a turd in her litter box that looked like Michael Moore, but when I got closer, I realized it really was Michael Moore. That guy’ll eat anything, and you don’t even have to dare him. He never calls before he comes over, either.

I didn’t see anything else, but I still haven’t checked the tile in the shower or the granite on the counters. I’m sure I’ll see batman in there or something.

Another thing happened later, after my sight was back to normal-ish, but my eyes still looked really swollen and red. My cat (who had a long standing affair with a hammer for a while) has become smitten with the handset of my phone. She had a short, turbulent thing with my TV remote, but we all know that TV remotes have the highest rate of failed relationships of any small electronic device. Even the Ipod. I’m not sure if she’s really interested in the phone, because here you can tell she is clearly trying to make the TV remote jealous.

I don’t want to be around when this comes to a head.

I have often made fun of the cat when she gets scared and flips out, but I made a big discovery last night. I was half asleep on the couch, she was totally out and snoring, and I forgot she was next to me. I somehow accidentally put my hand on her as I was getting up, and she freaked straight the hell out. My discovery is this- Terrified cats are not nearly as funny when you are more scared than they are. She jumped and hissed, I jumped and hissed, we had a little boxing match in mid flight, and she fell off the couch and stared at me. I was crouched in “Fighting monkey stance #3” on the couch, and we were all “Alright, punk. Go ahead and jump. See what happens.” We both wisely backed down and no one was hurt.

Well, I have more crap to write and draw and make fun of, so I gotta’ go. I also have to look more closely and see if I can find John Edwards in the concrete next to Kerry. I’m doubling the price if I do.

Trackback URI |