Sara called me and told me to listen to a local radio show this morning because they were talking about my favorite comic and the fartiest man to have ever drawn breath on this earth – Louis CK.
“Fartiest” is a word I’m working on that is a sublime and perfect combination of smartest and funniest. There are guys who are funny but not very smart (Dane Cook), and guys who are super smart, but not very funny (John Stewart). CK is the fartiest. Maybe smunniest is better. Maybe the whole idea is a dumb hackey premise.

You may not agree with me, but it’s okay to be wrong.

I don’t usually listen to The Bert Show because although they are the best morning show in Atlanta and very funny and creative, at times they get a little over-outraged about bullshit. Like when someone publicly does something that is misinterpreted as sexist or homophobic or anti-whatever, they tend to go over the top with the politically correct platitudes so no one might accidentally think they aren’t sensitive…and I find that a little dishonest as well as the first step down the road toward missing a lot of very good counterpoints. I totally understand why they have to do that in this bowl of hypersensitive whiney infants we call our society. They want to keep their jobs, and there is a line that can’t be crossed. I just don’t really buy it. For instance, I am 100% convinced that the gluten fad is mostly fad and about 1/10,433rd people with an actual disease. I believe this because in February 2012 no one had heard of or gave a shit about gluten, and by the end of March it was the cause of all maladies. People stopped eating processed grains and magically started feeling better. Guess what – you stopped eating processed shit, and you stopped feeling like processed shit. Try taking a high quality colloidal mineral supplement for a few months. That will actually change your life. In this country we don’t have real problems, so we invent them. Ever hear about about the scourge of skin rashes caused by the consumption of non organic vegetables in Haiti? Didn’t think so. But saying it out loud might offend someone who has built a pillow fort of lies around gluten, and we just can’t have that.

My point – if the subject on the show was something like second hand smoke, the hosts would go a long way toward saying “Oh I know that millions of people die every day from it, and I have an uncle who blah blah blah because the previous owner of his Subaru smoked in it…” When the actual fact is that in the history of the universe – since the very beginning of time, not one single death certificate has been written with second hand smoke listed as the cause of death. No one would say that in public because you’d be called an asshole. I mean, what are you, PRO second hand smoke? No, idiot, I’m just reality-based. The retards at the ad council even made a commercial that shows a youngish dude on oxygen and makes the statement that he died at age 44 of lung cancer having never smoked and his doctor said “second hand smoke may have contributed to his illness”. MAY. HAVE CONTRIBUTED. The three most important words in that whole stupid waste of money ad are quickly lost as the very next screen has huge letters that say “SECOND HAND SMOKE KILLED FRANKY FLUBBERFACE.”

And we all wring our hands in quiet desperation because we believe the words on the screen. I feel like I’m being bullied by the dumbest guy on the playground.

I also don’t listen to the show much because they play music that sounds like eleven robots having an orgy during a blimp accident. Seriously, I think this music actually causes learning disabilities. But I listened today because I love Louis CK like a fat chick loves those absurdly huge cupcakes that are all the rage these days. Some are actually bigger than regular cakes. If you put a delightful patterned fluted paper thingy around the bottom, you can tell yourself that you didn’t just eat an entire birthday cake and a gallon of icing.

Speaking of which, on CK’s show he was seeing a woman of girth and she delivered a poignant speech about how difficult it is to be a big ol’ girl in a world where that isn’t considered attractive. It was an exceedingly well written soliloquy, and had all of the squirmy tension I have come to love about that show.

WATCH IT IF YOU WANNA

She made some great points, and I felt like Louis, standing there listening to her, thinking, “Yeah…all great and valid points, but it doesn’t change the way I’m wired…so…I gots nothing.” Bert (namesake of the radio show) made a comment that got me thinking – he said “I’m five feet four inches tall. I understand that girls don’t like short dudes. I’m okay with that…” To which I shouted “Huzzah!”, and then wondered what huzzah means. I’ve never been good looking or tall or super ripped in the abdominary region, and the vast vast vast majority of women on earth are not attracted to me. I have been standing next to a total douchebag at a party and seen girls flock to him because he has physical traits that I don’t, and thought “That’s not fair. I bet that fucker doesn’t even know what a jack plane is. Good luck getting that pantywaste to build you anything.” But I never went home and cried about it. I’m more of a cutter. So why does this girl get to make a big sweaty point about how impossible it is to be loved and she never feels important and I don’t? It’s not like she has a conjoined twin or an extra ear or some other genetic mutation that she can’t help. She’s overweight. There are probably more programs and ways to battle that problem than any other single issue in the world. It’s not even a real problem, to be honest. So shut up.

BUT, that was my first thought, I only had that thought because I’m sort of a dick, and I’m never happy with my first thought if I give it a second thought. Here is my second thought (and the one that actually made me call the show twice, but the line was busy and I’m not wasting a lot of time these days) – If you boil this down to the very most primitive wiring we have as upright monkeys, the situation is different for dudes and chicks. Stay with me – this is going to be long and stupid.

I am a dude. I am attracted to chicks (and John Hamm, but who isn’t?). As a mature-ish grown up, I am attracted to a sharp wit, confidence, competency, intelligence, tits, and ass. Come on. I’m being honest. I’d love to say that I’m evolved enough to only see what’s on the inside, and I am much more that way now than I was 20 years ago, but not one single man on earth can say that looks don’t matter. Every guy has had a relationship with a complete zero of a girl just because she was way too hot for him and he had absolutely no business fucking her. We have probably evolved or been intelligently designed to look for traits that are genetically positive so that we may produce healthy offspring. Again, the very most primitive wiring we have. That’s simple enough for us dudes, but a bit more complex for the gentler sex.

Women, at their most basic inner brain area – the part where it is all grey and sticky – are attracted to men who can protect and provide. That is a whole big goddamn spectrum of qualities. Don’t get your undies all wadded up because I’m generalizing. Generalizations exist for a reason; because they are general. I know there are guys who like women with tails and girls who like guys who are good at video games, but that is the exception. Back to the provider thing. A guy being physically large and in good shape is one thing a woman may be attracted to, but that same woman may be attracted to a short stocky guy who is an excellent leader. I know for a fact that I would be a virgin to this day if I wasn’t sometimes funny and sort of good at building and fixing things. Girls like funny guys because it is usually a sign of intelligence, which is another providery quality. Girls also like guys who are motivated and competent, confident, kind, and a whole bunch of other traits that fall into that spectrum. The kicker is this – a guy can be completely blinded in the face of a host of wonderful qualities if you throw a hot rack in front of him, but women can look at any of a few dozen qualities in a guy and be equally attracted to any of them. Even if the guy is short and ugly.

So it is, of course, different for the two sexes. I really think this is the answer to the question. A wildly unsatisfying answer because it provides absolutely nothing along the lines of a solution. The lack of a solution is probably why guys don’t explore this topic very much. We HAVE to solve things. Even reading this right now, I feel like “Well, that was a bunch of nothing.” because there is no answer and never will be. Women are attracted to lots of things, and men will never be attracted to something they aren’t attracted to, and we can’t help it. So we are left standing there, hearing the explanation and understanding every word of it, even empathizing to the point of physical pain, but still helpless because we simply are what we are.

12 Responses to “Fat girl – the time I actually tried to call a radio station.”

  1. on 15 May 2014 at 11:16 am Brennan

    If a woman complains about her physical appearance and that it keeps her from getting a man, the men are blamed for being shallow and the woman is encouraged to just “love herself.” If a man complains about his physical appearance and that it keeps him from getting a woman, he gets his ass handed to him by his friends and a gym membership gift-card at his next birthday/holiday.

    Women aren’t, in general, asked to shape up as much as men are…but since men are marketed to using t&a, women constantly see in shape/sexy women and assume that’s what society wants them to be. Can’t it be possible that how men are sold cars and shaving cream doesn’t necessarily determine with whom we want to share our lives?

  2. on 15 May 2014 at 11:40 am davejase

    … and here I was hoping for a solid answer on that age-old question.
    Great rumination as always Dusty, right on with the hypersensitive part… BTW you ever listen to Marc Maron? A little dreary at times, but farty as all get-out (whatever THAT means). Peace dude

  3. on 15 May 2014 at 12:59 pm Amy

    I must be wired like a guy, I’ve gotta have a physical attraction. I’ll admit someone has become more attractive to me in the past because they were funny or had some other talent but once it came down to the opportunity to sleep with them I’d be out.

  4. on 15 May 2014 at 1:21 pm Gabe H

    Actually, eleven robots having an orgy during a blimp accident sounds like a pretty sweet show.
    I’d buy tickets.

  5. on 15 May 2014 at 3:09 pm Andrea

    Like you, physical attraction has to be there, but haven’t you ever met someone, and not been attracted to them until you got to know them better? One of my co-workers is a skinny, short dude, but with a killer sense of humor and a soulful quality that is palpable. I’d date him in a second and be proud of it. Louie’s girlfriend said it best, “I’m good enough to fuck, but not good enough to date.” Ouch. I don’t think many guys would get why that hurts so much (apologies to the ones who do). I’ve never cried about someone not being attracted to me because I’m not a size 4, I do see the absurdity of it, though. Indeed we are who we are in the end. I’m glad that you’re writing again, Dusty!

  6. on 15 May 2014 at 6:20 pm Me from Here

    For some reason, all I can think of is your recipe for carnitas with mole sauce.

    Love,

    ForneyCaterers

  7. on 15 May 2014 at 6:37 pm deborah

    You think Jon Stewart is smart?

  8. on 15 May 2014 at 11:27 pm Ken JP Stuczynski

    I married a self-proclaimed “fat chick” after dating girls of every girth possible. Perhaps the opposite of her diatribe is also often true, that what we are attracted to isn’t what we really want and need long-term. The “attractive” women are the ones “good enough to [date]”, but perhaps not to wake up next to for 60 years.

    On that note, I’m heading to be to watch Star Trek with my wife on a tiny screen and be ever grateful to wake up next to every inch of her.

  9. on 15 May 2014 at 11:29 pm Judd

    Dude, just for The Official Record: I’ve never farted or shat more in my life than in your tiny condupartmentplexdo. Seriously, no matter how many Mexican Brunches and bottles of Stella I knock back, I have only replicated that kind of stank once and wife nearly divorced me.

    Coincidentally enough, it was yet another glorious New Year’s night.

    Do you get Louis CK to write you emails too? There’s no way anyone can convince me that they’re not written directly to me, so don’t give me that “they go out to thousands on his list” bullshit.

  10. on 16 May 2014 at 5:12 am Sara

    Long-time listener, first time caller.

    Dusty, you make some really interesting points and I agree with you to an extent, but I think there’s a lot more shifting of the gender-lines than you think there are. My panties aren’t in a wad or anything, but I have a lot of girl friends and most of them have deal-breakers for physical characteristics. As a fat chick myself, I was indignant for a long time until I dated some fatter-than-me chicks and realized possibly it IS a wiring thing. I’m not going to rule out the possibility that I’ll fall for some person who I’m not initially physically attracted to, but it is something I am more wary of nowadays. Also, another interesting thing to remember is that cultural and racial ideals for beauty are different. Black and Latino guys hit on me way more often than white guys.

    And I’ve brought nothing useful to the table, but it’s interesting to think about and question our beliefs and ideas about society and the way things are or how they’re “supposed” to be.

    Glad you’re writing again! I laughed at the cutter comment.

  11. on 23 May 2014 at 6:20 pm Jeanie

    Sweetie, I love your writing, but one thing I just couldn’t hold back on: it’s “pantywaist” not “pantywaste”. Changes the whole meaning, as it was actually meant to refer to a girly-man rather than a waste of panties (although, that could be up for debate…).

    Also, I’m a girl (OK, woman, and OK, older than you, but also not fat and my only genetic “abnormality” is being a ginger) who finds guys like you way more attractive than guys who are tall or super ripped in the abdominal region – and from your picture, you look about on par in the looks department with the man I’m fixin’ to marry (plus he, like you, is intelligent and funny and good at fixing things). So, I guess I’m kind of backing up your point.

  12. on 27 May 2014 at 1:18 pm Alan S

    On reflection, I like “pantywaste” better, especially in context.

    Oh, and put me in the category of “dated a professional model, married a fat girl.” And couldn’t be happier about it.