Dear Kinko’s,

I have written about you before, and this time will be no different. You are a print and copy center, so one would surmise that your employees would know something about printing and/or copying. However, your recent merger with a shipping company, coupled with your universal incompetence has led me to suspect that you may be somehow involved in the drug trade. If that is not the case, I can only guess that FedEx has decided that they are too good at what they do and need to tone it down a bit, lest they become too successful.

Let’s talk about success, shall we?

I consider myself to be reasonably successful in the graphics industry. That is to say, I have eked out a living for the past ten years or so in part by designing things for people and in some cases having that design reproduced for all manner of uses. While I see the value of using a competent vendor, most of my clients are more concerned about the bottom line (as well they should be), and prefer the cheap route. Because of this, I have been forced to add a clause to any work-for-hire agreement I enter into that states that I will take care of print production, provided Kinko’s is not the chosen vendor. It is companies like Kinko’s that gave rise to terms like “you get what you pay for”, “exercise in futility”, “do it over” and “what the fuck is this?”

In any case, my continuing success depends largely on my vendors and service providers doing their jobs with a minimum of hand holding from me. The vendors I have come to trust are the ones to whom I can give instructions and not feel like I have to call them every hour to determine the exact point in time the job was ruined. I have used various Kinko’s centers around the united states for printing over the past few years and they have done it correctly exactly zero times; everything from printing it in black and white when I asked for color to cutting to the wrong size, to simply not printing it. I understand that things happen from time to time, but if the manager’s retarded brother needs a job, it’s best not to put him in charge of the guillotine. I also understand the value of consistency, and I can honestly say that Kinko’s has that in spades. “Consistently wrong” may not be the best business plan, but it’s honest. It would also make a catchy tagline.

I’m not entirely without fault here. I incorrectly assume that the person to whom I am entrusting my file has had some training- perhaps they know what CMYK stands for, what a trim mark looks like (and its function), and how to determine whether something is, in fact eight inches wide and ten inches high. The fact that you only accept two file types (and one of them requires Kinko’s software to create) should serve as an indicator to the contrary.

The last time I wrote about you, one of your employees who learned to type wrote me a letter stating that although I told the Kinko’s guy the file type, size, format, color build, paper weight and color, resolution, desired output, quantity, deadline, and gave him a completed prototype of the finished product along with written instructions, I was still being very vague. I’ve only been working with print companies for a decade, so I’m sure I’m missing something, but I can’t figure out what- especially when my regular vendors only require a file and a printout.

I only use your services at the demands of my clients, and then only after heated debate and sometimes a fist fight. If they are okay with saving $50 to have it done wrong and come in late, I am too. Fortunately, most of them have come around to the idea that quality is worth the price and are happy to pay a small premium to have the job done correctly.

So congratulations, Kinko’s. I hereby induct you as the newest member of my personal Hall of Ineptitude. Chosen based on qualities like disorganization, inefficiency, dishonesty, maladroitness, lack of clear goals, deficiency of moral fiber, and a general douchebaggery of those employed or otherwise involved, you are alongside such people and organizations as Georgia Natural Gas, Jesse Jackson, NASA, the ACLU, Comcast, Bank of America, Mike Moore, BellSouth, the United States Postal Service, and the FCC.

Your award is in the mail.

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