First, an excerpt from the “when did I start writing this and why didn’t I finish it” files. I think this one is from a couple of years ago.

When someone has a bad experience with something, it is good to tell them to try again. If the horse throws you off, you get back on and ride it. Great advice for everyone.

Except maybe rape victims.

My friend Christian and I decided that a great tee shirt idea would be “I put the penis in happiness”, but there really is only a penis in happiness when the word is spoken, not read. Not sure how well “I put the piness in happiness” would sell. I do know that the word piness is highly objectionable to spellcheck. So is spellcheck when it is used as one word.

During that same evening, we were watching a football game at a bar. If you have ever heard me attempt to have a conversation about sports, you know I don’t watch much sports. If your facebook status is “I just met Devin Hester at a bar and he gave me a piggyback ride to my car”, I am the one who will say “who?”

Or I’ll comment about how awesome it is to get a piggyback ride anywhere. In fact, I had to Google the term “famous football player” to get that name, and that was the very first time I have ever seen or heard the name.

So as the teams achieved points, my buddy and I got increasingly intoxicated and creative with our end zone celebrations. Our chicks were with us. Well, his date and my lovely betrothed skirt, who was pulling for the Michigan States. We started with a lot of high fives, then I did a dance that ended with me crapping out a salt shaker, and it culminated with us fellating two to four imaginary men while pantomiming sex acts that are currently illegal in Georgia.

Quote of the night came from Christian’s date – “My favorite part was the touchdown blowjob explosion.”

Speaking of Illegal in Georgia, the sale of alcohol on Sunday no longer is. That makes me happy. Not because I need to drink 7 days a week, but because it is one step closer to a society that the rest of the nation won’t view as a bunch of backwards rednecks humping our sisters. Any state that bans alcohol sales on Sunday should also have to ban the sale of bibles on Saturday.

They had a vote on it a week ago, and every single county polled passed the bill by a wide margin. If someone had told me that it would take this long to get this retarded rule changed, I would never have believed them. And by the way, they need to have a big rally for all of the people who voted against the measure. Get them all together in a huge building and chemically sterilize them all. Then lock the door and burn down the building. Can’t be too careful.

Just had to attach that bit of verbiage somewhere…now for present day.

Speaking of sports, I was in Roanoke the other day and as I was walking around I passed a bar where a bunch of people were rapt with something on tv. My first thought, unfortunately, was “Oh shit, somebody did something all bomby and/or shooty in a school or something.” I couldn’t see what was on, so I asked somebody who told me the name of a sporting event I had never heard of (shocker). I said “What’s going on?” hoping to get a charming explanation filled with local color and at least one historical reference. “It’s the SuperCup sportsevent”. I asked for an explanation and got the shaming I always get (and have come to enjoy). “What?” elbowing the guy next to her – yes, to be clear, I was being shamed by a woman – “This guy’s never heard of the Oatmeal Pickleface bowl.” The guy says “Seriously? Don’t get out much, do you?” I cleverly said “Ehhh, just don’t…you know, watch much sports…ball. Races…? Is this a race?” The guy just started laughing, as did the girl. Making people laugh is making people laugh, I guess. They told me what it was, which I promptly forgot, and again reiterated their disbelief that I had never heard of it, and asked if I live in a cave. I then remembered a line I have heard a friend of mine say a few times. The first time I heard him say it, I thought it was the most arrogant thing I had ever heard. But after I thought about it, I figured it was okay to say it as long as you are sure it is true. So I said it.

“You’ve probably never met anyone like me.”

They had no follow up question, so they probably think I am a self-satisfied megalomaniac. They are one third right. I am satisfied. Rest assured if I was a megalomaniac, I’d be the best in the world at it. The thing I always struggle with is that people assume since I don’t spend my weekends watching football or really have a team, I don’t like sports. “oh, we’re having a few folks over but it’s a football game and I know you hate football because it irritates the lining of your vagina…” I usually take that to mean they just don’t want me there, which is fine, but I don’t hate things I don’t participate in. My friends say “I know you hate religious talk, but God gave me scurvy because…” I don’t hate religion. I just am not a part of it. I think religion is a beautiful thing that has done far more good than harm (siren call to the retards out there who will beg to differ), and have seen peoples’ faith get them through things that they might not have gotten through otherwise. I have also seen acts of near heroism on various fields and courts, athletic feats that seem superhuman, and I’ve been happy that a certain team won or lost. I don’t have kids, so lots of people assume I don’t like kids. I love kids and I find them extremely fun to interact with. I love kids like I love dogs; I’d do anything for them, but I don’t happen to have one of my own because you have to touch feces and I’m just not doing that.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate what others are capable of, I’m just more interested in spending my time seeing what I am capable of. If I thought I was going to live to 300 years old, I might have friends I didn’t like and spend more time playing video games or watching people far richer and more talented than I do whatever it is they do. I figure I’ll have time for that when I’m bedridden, body ravaged by a disease so rare that they have to name it after me. For now my mindset is “Why spend the day walking through someone else’s museum when you might be able to build your own?” Ironically, I heard that saying from someone else.

I hear the assumption parroted everywhere I turn – If you’re not this, then you’re that. I think it started with politics, because it doesn’t sound as sensational to say something that actually makes sense. “Conservatives are against giving poor kids free food at school, so conservatives WANT KIDS TO STARVE!” Bullshit. Conservatives – SOME conservatives – don’t think that the $2.00 a meal it would take to feed a kid should be a stretch for someone who chose to procreate. Some conservatives see the social folly of taking the basic responsibility of feeding your own kids away from the parent. Others have other valid points too. Nobody wants kids to starve, and you’re a fucking idiot if you think they do. On the other side – “Liberals are pro choice, so they want to COME INTO YOUR HOUSE AT NIGHT AND RIP THE LIVING FETUS OUT OF YOUR WOMB!” Also bullshit. Most liberals have fairly well thought out positions that you have never read on a bumper sticker, just like most conservatives. Here’s the easiest way to make yourself appear 50% smarter: ask yourself if it makes sense before you repeat it. It’s also okay to understand both sides of an issue and not really give one side any weight over the other. Try it. It feels good.

Conspiracy Theorists

I could go on for several days explaining why the human race is worse for the existence of these morons, but instead I’ll kindly ask them all to kill themselves. To be clear, the idea of powerful people being corrupt is believable. JFK being shot by the freemasons or whatever and everyone involved remaining completely silent for 50 years is not. I got a lecture about airliners spraying chemicals into the air to control our behavior (something I know for a fact has zero basis in reality), and at some point I thought “Every second I sit here is a second I could spend doing something more constructive, like digging a huge hole and then filling it back up, or striking myself in the temple with a billiard ball.” And finally I just walked away as he was in mid-sentence. I’m sure he took that as confirmation that his fairy tale logic was hitting a little too close to the truth.

Gratitude

Lately I have been on a kick to have more gratitude in general, and it seems to be working. People assume that because I write all snarky and cynical that I am a negative person. The vast majority of people don’t care, but that is very untrue. The most important lesson I’ve learned is from people who have gotten sick or hurt or lost someone and said “I wish I had appreciated what I had blahblahblah” (I wasn’t paying attention to their idiot mouth sounds). Seriously- it is an intergalactic shame that something horrible has to happen to most people before they have any gratitude for the basic things. It’s why I spend so much time building, writing, thinking, cooking, drawing, whatever. Because I physically can. It’s a big part of why I rode my bike 30 miles on Sunday and am going to work out after I finish typing. It’s cliche as hell, but my last thought is not going to be “Man, if I had one more day, I’d get to level 47 on Slaughter of Dragonboner. Then I’d watch a football game.”

11 Responses to “Big as Life, and Twice as Ugly”

  1. on 04 May 2014 at 11:53 am Andy

    I agree, Dusty. Most people don’t appreciate what they have until it’s way too late! As for opinions, they’re like a$$holes…everyone’s got one!

  2. on 04 May 2014 at 12:45 pm Bill

    Another awesome post. I always look forward to them. Welcome back, Your Dustiness!

  3. on 04 May 2014 at 12:56 pm Bert

    Great article. Your views of politics, organized sports and life in general are spot on with my own. I’m going to shamelessly steal your stolen quote about my own museum!

  4. on 04 May 2014 at 1:07 pm Cole Bouchard

    I would be so for banning alcohol sales on Sundays if it meant no bible sales on Saturdays. I’d give up my Sunday drinking right now as a sign of good faith if a) that would change the amount of alcohol I consume on a Sunday and b) if I believed in a religion that said it was wrong to drink on Sundays.

    How many times can someone write “Sunday” in a paragraph before he and everyone else gets sick of reading it? Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sun– 9 and a half. Nine and a half times.

  5. on 04 May 2014 at 1:54 pm Matt

    I want that on my shirt.
    A way around your dilemma is to Put the red speelcheck lines under it.

    BAM! Million dollar solution that opens it up to a whole new group of smartasses that will buy the shirt.

  6. on 04 May 2014 at 1:56 pm Matt

    Forgot to add the required accolades before hitting send…
    Great submission Dusty, I’m glad you are back to posting again. Missed reading your blog. Thank you

  7. on 04 May 2014 at 3:10 pm Cecilia

    So glad to be able to read you again, Dusty! You give conservatives a good name, and give me hope that some day this country may some day be able to move away from polar extremes and meet a little closer to the middle. Where people think before they open their mouths. And don’t wear cammo as a fashion statement.

  8. on 05 May 2014 at 8:34 am davejase

    Love it. How to appear 50% smarter: “Before I open my big stupid yap and tell a pilot why it makes sense that airlines carry an extra thousand pounds of fuel or so to lug around psychoactive substances in order to convince everyone they don’t miss the peanuts, maybe I’ll just comment on the weather…?” Thanks Dusty, as always.

  9. on 05 May 2014 at 11:20 am Slade

    Hmm, I’m not sure that Slaughter of Dragonboner has more than 30 levels. Have you somehow unlocked additional play through some hidden move?
    Like I would know. I’m with you on the gaming and sports. If I’m not playing it, I usually find it dull to watch and I can find more productive things to do while drinking beer.
    Thanks for the post. I hope you keep writing for a long time to come.

  10. on 07 May 2014 at 11:32 pm olderty

    Oh, Dusty. I’ve been clicking on a dusty salamitsunami link for what feels like forever, hoping something new would happen. And it finally did! Thanks for checking in with us anonymous readers who still live in the no Sunday sales region of the US (Indiana… WTFuck. I believe we’re the last state w/ embarrassing “blue laws”).

  11. on 20 May 2014 at 4:45 pm mrsfruke

    Olderty, you clearly haven’t been to Utah. Dusty, thank you for returning. Far, far better to be a Snarky Cynic (aka creative, honest, and reality-based)than a bullshitting, used car-selling Pollyanna.