First I’ll call the flower people and ask why they delivered dead flowers when I clearly asked for them merely to be injured and humiliated-

*ring ring*

1-800flowers, this is Juan, how can I help you?

Hi. My name is Dusty. What are you wearing?

‘scuse me?

Oh, sorry, I thought this was 1- 900 flowers. Well, while I have you on the phone, I do have a question about an order from last week.

Yes sir, how can I help you?

I sent some flowers to my chick when her cat died last week, and while they were pretty and smelled really good, they were dead by the time she left work the same day she got them. I find that a little…crappy.

Oh, I’m sorry to hear about her cat.

Yeah, it really sucked. Honest mistake on my part. In the early morning light, the boxes labeled “RAT POISON” and “CAT POISON” look so very much alike…

What?

Anyway, the flowers died six hours after they got there, and I just…you know…Is that normal? I mean, between the cat and the flowers, that’s a lot of death. She probably thinks I hate her or something.

So, do you want us to deliver them again?

As long as I don’t have to kill another cat. She only has one left, and she’d notice if it was gone.

No sir, don’t kill any more cats. Not necessary. Let me get your order number and we’ll have a fresh batch of flowers out to her in two days.

Okay, the number is 009w124433589-7312-18-33494457229043844-kl078812275509322jgf4492347440228332-230855733023-0128324924-24308354-29837249-35449823-342057315087-jju-230423432-9921756932723-1

Sorry, can you read that back again?

009w124433589-7312-18-33494457229043844-kl078812275509322jgf4492347440228332-230855733023-0128324924-24308354-29837249-35449823-342057315087-jju-230423432-9921756932723-1

Was that a four or a six?

(screaming)

Ah, here you are, Mr. Scott. I have it scheduled for redelivery.

Juan, would it be lacking in class to change the note to read “Sorry your flowers died, here’s some more”?

Yes.

Okay. Well, then that’s great. I appreciate your help. You guys rule really hard.

Thank you, Mr. Scott.

*click*

Next up, it’s the collision repair shop that will be restoring my g-ride to its formerly badass condition. I hope the accident somehow dented the timing belt so I can throw that in there too. $675 to get that little gem replaced. I think they’re made out of the internal organs of aliens or something. And I don’t mean Mexicans. I mean space aliens.

*ring ring*

Classic Collision Buckhead, how can I help you?

Hi, My Name’s Dusty, and my insurance company recommended you guys to fix my bucket.

Okay sir, what’s the claim number?

2.

Okay, was that a 2?

Yes. You guys should talk to the flower people, their job numbers suck.

Mmm hmm. Can you hold for a minute Mr. Scott?

Sure.

Hold music- “I believe I can flyyyy…I believe I can touch the sky…I think about it every night and day…spread my wings and I fly away…”

*this goes on for however long that song is, repeating the chorus about nineteen times. By now I am sitting at my cube at work, singing my balls off, halfway crying…strange urge to pee on a young girl…(R. Kelly reference, no need to call police)*

Sir…um…sir? I have a whole office full of people here and I’m going to need to call you back. So you won’t have to listen to that music any longer than you have to.

But I was just beginning to believe I could fly.

Yes, we heard you.

Seriously?

Uh…yeah. (laughter in background)

Cool, was I on the intercom?

No, just my speakerphone.

Okay, pass around a hat and collect donations for my try at American Idol. Let me know how much you have when you call back.

Haha. Will do. What’s your phone number?

That’d be 4.

Okay, I’ll call you in a minute. Keep practicing.

*click*

Now it’s time to call the Traffic Violations Bureau and find out who I have to throw money at to make this whole car accident thing go away. I haven’t figured it out, but for some reason every government employee at a relatively low level really seems to hate themselves, their jobs, and everyone around them. I don’t know if it is a nationwide thing or maybe the customer service people are there because they are being punished for being bad cops, but it’s really hard to get any information.

*ring ring*

Fubbaconnypoleedepahmuh, hakkannaheppy?

Holy crap. What?

Wha’ whut?

Uhh…I’m uh…I had a crash..er..crashed my car and got a ticket, and I wanted to see how much it was so I could pay it.

Ibunnageeo, uh, pikkitomma. Fa da meepo.

I…I’m…sorry. I can’t understand you.

AHH SAYYYAAD- DID YOU HA’ A ACCIDENT?

(oh bring it ON with the sassy attitude)

yes. I think that was the first thing I told you. Maybe second. Not sure.

WELL OKAAYDEN.

…okayden what?

Jessaminnit. Imolugganuptchew.

…mmmkay.

Sait heer yougamakeapeersinco.

(slightly more exasperated) What?

AHH SAYYYAAD-

WHOA. STOP. Okay. I can understand four spoken languages, and you aren’t speaking any of them. Can you please enunciate a little for me? Just for a minute. This will be much easier. (losing my nerve because I know she’s about to yell at me) …you know, just so I can understand…and stuff…hhhe. You’re going to kill me, aren’t you?

(muttering) bwah, ah mo’ ‘nuncyate yo ass innaminnit…bah muffk.

Can I speak to whitey? He’s my dad.

(just kidding. I didn’t say that. But I might next time.)

I just need to know the fine for improper lane change, and if I can pay it over the phone.

Impropah’?

Yeah, I guess I was supposed to be sitting up straight with my hands folded in my lap when I hit the guy or something.

Ha haaa. Okay den. If they was a accident, you hadda goda court.

Aww, come on. They know it was me. I was there and I admitted it and everything. I even signed the ticket and pointed to the damage on my car.

Signin’ tha ticket mean you agree to come ta court.

Awesome.

Huh?

Just something I say when stuff sucks. Like now. Thanks for your help.

Okaay den, habbanaday.

Gezundheit..

*click*

I get to go to traffic court on October first in the middle of the day. I get to wait some number of hours to tell a judge that I did actually make a mistake and hit another car EVEN THOUGH THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THE TICKET ALREADY SAYS. Then said judge can fine me a gazillion dollars and send me to the chair.

I can only imagine the stories this will spawn.

oh yeah, don’t forget to read this one.

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