First, a very sincere thanks to everyone who left the nice notes on my e-vite and sent e-mails. Believe it or not, it means a lot to me to know that I am making people laugh in places like Beijing, the Pacific Northwest, Australia, Singapore, and some other places that I doubt the existence of. Is there really a Timbuktu? I guess I could google it, but then what would be the point of this diary?

Extra thanks to the people who came from far and/or wide to attend my birthday hodown. Oh how the ho’s got down. There are questionable reports that I was seen bumping asses with Quagmire at one point. Sure, they back the statement up with a photo, which I suppose is cool if you believe that sort of thing. That guy doesn’t look anything like me.

The party was great. The only thing that could possibly have made it greater is if that girl had been able to come to Atlanta and join in. I made a joke about her not coming out because she hates me. She had been busting her ass to get the time off work, and my comment almost made her cry. I felt like a dick. I’m smooth like that.

My parents even showed up for a couple of hours. That should stifle any rumblings of doubt about whether I actually have parents who would claim me. They are not paid actors. They are my mom and dad- for real. Even more difficult to believe is the fact that they each have only been married once and it was to each other. And they are still married. I know. 39 years. It’s like some sort of anomaly. Here are some pictures. My dad thinks that having his picture taken will steal his soul, so he won’t look directly at a camera.

I know I got my “thinking on my feet” wit from my mom- the quickest mind I know of, but I still wish I was as inherently funny as my dad. Most memorable dad line of the night was when he met my friends Justin and Gabby Seeby.

Justin’s the one who sold me my house, and we have become good friends since. His wife is having a baby in January, and my parents asked if it was a boy or a girl. The exchange went like this-

Gabby- We’re going to let it be a surprise.
Dad- Oh really? That’s great. You know, I’m 63 years old, and I was raised on a farm (so far this is all true, but I was all ears. He has never let me down when he starts a story with that sentence) and we learned things like how to tell if a melon was ripe by thumping it with a straw, and various other tricks like that.
Gabby- mmm hmm…(looking a bit worried)
Dad- And I actually figured out how to tell the sex of an unborn calf in a similar way by listening…
Gabby- …
Dad- So I can tell you the sex of the baby if I lay my head on your abdomen for six hours.

Justin laughed so hard he almost fell down. My mom just stared at my dad as if she just realized she was married to a dirty old man. It was a beautiful moment.

Before my parents left, Justin and I had the manager approach my dad and thank him for having his son’s birthday party at their establishment (even though he had nothing to do with it), and hit him with a bill for $1493.42. Then he offered to give him 10% off because I am “a member in good standing”. You can’t bullshit the master. Without missing a beat, he pulls out his wallet and starts peeling off bills like he’s going to pay it in cash. He didn’t buy it for a second.

My request that no one bring gifts fell on deaf ears. At the end of the night, I found myself making the walk home carrying the following items-

2 boxes of band-aids

Regulation basketball “Final Four” edition by Rawlings. You know that sucker’s going to see a lot of action.

1 can of spam

4oz. Tube of preparation H

3 bars of home made soap

A mix CD of hip hop songs (someone knows I like to dance when I’m alone)

A 3 oz package of Oscar Meyer Deli Fresh™ pastrami

A 3.2 gigaflop digital camera (actually a very nice gift from the parents)

1 rearview mirror air freshener (new car scent, so now my car smells like someone vomited in a new car)

1 partially used roll of scotch tape

1 “flaming 8-ball” steering wheel cover

1 card with buttcrack cleavage cleverly disguised as boobies

Oh, don’t believe me?

The Preparation H and the spam aren’t pictured because I got hungry on the walk home.

I started wondering “what if I got hit by a car and they didn’t find my body for a few days. Like I was knocked into a ravine or something. With those items scattered around my bloated corpse, what conclusions would the detective draw?”

I know they wouldn’t instantly assume that I was a pseudo-funnyguy with a bunch of enabler friends who feed my insanity.

Here are some random pictures with randomer captions. Enjoy.

I like this picture because everyone looks a little bit (or a lot) retarded except my brother’s squeeze on the far left. If these people were talking, here is what they would be saying from left to right-
“I’m going to look so hot in this picture”
“Sometimes things scare me.” (looks like she might have a nose whistle, too)
“I’m the sherriff of this here town, and I just made a stinky”
“I really really like cheese”
“Gaaargh”

In the foreground is the overexposed face of one Justin Seeby. Behind him is a waitress (who looked much less dominatrixy in person) shamelessly checking out his junk. Justin is going to be pissed when he sees this because if there’s one thing he hates, it’s girls treating him like a piece of meat. You can see it on his face. In the background Josh appears to be explaining the subtleties of fresh mozzarella to his girlfriend Jennifer.

The hot chick with laser eyes was the surprise hit of the evening. Every party needs one.

That’s Quagmire in front. On his knees. Mouth open wide. Beer resting on top of his head. Yeah, we all have questions.

This is Nathan. He took my camera this morning and snapped this flattering picture of himself. He thinks that because he is webmaster he can do whatever he wants, including wearing a cape to work every day. He keeps a blog of thoughts for his two young daughters so they can read and learn from their dad when they are old enough to do so and he is too old to remember the point of the story. Good idea for any parent. The part that pisses me off is that he writes such heartfelt stuff sometimes that it makes water come out of my eyes. I’ll post a link when I get his permission.

The funny part about last night was that I had such a good time I forgot I was supposed to be getting wasted. I drank five beers (three of which were bought for me by charitable partygoers). My tab came to $8.40. What a night. Thanks again to everyone for making my day.

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