I’m really only listening to the voices in my head right now, so I don’t know where this is going to go. Hopefully somewhere funny and possibly profound. I have felt something creative bubbling up for a few days now. Very subtle. I thought it was gas…and admittedly most of it was gas. But I am sharting out the following-

I wonder if I write less frequently because I have meaningful ways to spend my time now. Not that writing isn’t meaningful – just that when I had a 40 hour a week job it was a foregone conclusion that I’d be sitting at a computer for eight hours a day. Sometimes with 9 hours of work in front of me, and sometimes with 2 or 3. I think if we were all brutally honest about the percentage of time spent actually working while at work we would be ashamed and maybe unemployed. When I am left alone with my mind and an intense desire to forget my environment and those who surround me, I get typey. So I guess if I am ever to regain blogging consistency I will need some form of structured employment.

Don’t worry, I have some plates spinning in that direction. Either flying for an airline or being a creative graphics guy of some sort.

For now I am a contractor, getting paid by the hour. Knowing I get paid for the hours I work is pretty motivating. Especially when I am doing Graphic Design, which is neato, but it seems like it is really frigging easy considering how much people are willing to pay for it. When I’m not laying out pages, designing package graphics, or abusing my vendors, I am teaching people to fly airplanes.

Talking about money is rude but relevant to this point, so jam your etiquette up your ass for a second and dig on this vibe, daddy-o – If I sit in my living room with my computer and move pixels from one side of the screen to the other while drinking a hot cup of coffee and listening to the fire crackle in the fireplace, cat purring at my feet, getting up every half hour or so to stretch, masturbate, and/or make a sandwich, I get paid anywhere from $55 – $90 an hour depending on the job.

On other days I put on my pilot costume (including a tie) and drive to the airport where I meet with a student who did not study what I asked him to study. I say things like “You are paying a lot of money for this. You need to know this stuff. Next time you come in here, you’re going to explain to me (insert relevant flying knowledge) before we fly or we aren’t flying.” Then we go out and scrape frost off of the wings, realize that the last guy who flew it left the master switch on, go get a car or some other form of power with which we can jump start the plane, and two hours after I left the house, we are flying. I do not get paid for those two hours. Inside the cockpit it is cold (or hot, depending on the time of year), cramped, loud, and the student is doing his best. Sometimes I think they are waiting for me to stop paying attention so they can kill me. I do not think flying is dangerous, so don’t misinterpret this, but it’s one of those things that can get dangerous really fast and you have never known vigilance until you are responsible for a student and an airplane that costs more than your house. I get paid $17 an hour to do that job. And I love it just as much as the other one (every day except payday).

I am also gunning like crazy for an airline job now that they are hiring. Starting pay is $19 an hour. Yes, you read that correctly. $19 an hour to sit in the right seat of a jet carrying 50 to 70 folks at 400 mph 37,000 feet in the air. So a smart person would ask themselves why in gods green fuck I don’t just stick with the pixels and tell airplanes to screw themselves. A smart person would. Fortunately I am not encumbered by such qualities. I still keep chasing this aviation dream for no other reason than it is something I decided to do a few years ago and I’m not really wired to admit that sometimes when you chase your dream it hops over a fence and then does that move in an alleyway where it pushes a bunch of garbage cans over to block your path, but you vault over them and keep chasing, but then it does a back handspring onto a dumpster and jumps ten feet to a fire escape, leaps across a chasm between buildings and onto an adjacent rooftop and you are left standing there like a dog who just heard someone squeak out a fart.

At this point I’m doing the first come first served deal as far as employment goes. The contract job won’t last forever, so I have applications at the airlines and for a few art director / brand manager type jobs. Whichever one hits first I’ll be happy with. Whatcha’ wanna bet I get interviews for both on the same day. Nothing’s easy.

Home Projects –

Is it part of a man’s life to want to build everything himself? Is it before or after the part where I am supposed to buy a sportscar and start banging a 22 year old jizzbag? My feelings on the midlife crisis – It’s something that happens to guys who get married too young. When you are younger than about 30 (depending on the person), you are not capable of making decisions like who to marry. That is why the divorce rate is 85% lower for couples who got married after the age of 30. It is a statistic, but I can’t remember where I got it. Imagine the moron you were at 20 marrying the moron you dated at 20. It’s possible to make it work and I have seen it work, but it is much more trouble than just enjoying your life until you know enough to marry someone you won’t want to kill in 5 years.

Since we bought this house, I have been improving it. Hackey comedy premise to be sure, but it is rich with stories. I have installed lots of shelving, and am almost finished with my first real piece of furniture. It started when I became obsessed with mission style design and furnishings shortly after we bought our house. Our house is “craftsman style” (loosest possible definition of the term). This means it is full of cool details that highlight the craftsmanship of the builder. Couple this with a commercial developer who just wants to save money and you end up the house equivalent of a retarded chick with a hot body. The more I look at it with my hypercritical eye, the more I see details that were well intended and poorly executed. For some reason I feel duty bound to bring this place up to my standards. With no background in carpentry or construction it is probably not the best idea from a life insurance standpoint for me to be using power tools.

Anyway, this mission style thing – nice furniture, and mostly high quality, but sweet baby Jesus in a stained glass onesie, is it ever expensive. Not like pottery barn expensive, either. I mean big time rich guy expensive. I was looking for a table lamp on line, and found one I liked. It was $900.00. After cleaning the vomit off of the ceiling, I idly searched around for some cool wall switch plates. Little hammered bronze details that couldn’t possibly cost $160 a piece, but they did. And yes, I know you can get shitty manufactured stuff much cheaper, but I prefer the third route – I can make most of this stuff myself.

We have this light fixture in the kitchen that has always bugged me. Our house is all clean straight lines and solid colors, and then some fag decides to buy a Victorian pendant light with curly q’s and faux marble all over it and hang it in the kitchen. Not this fag. This fag decided to build a new fixture for the wifey’s birthday. I saw a light online that was made of wine bottles, and again almost tore my right ear off when I saw that it was $400. Three days and $67 later, we had this in the kitchen.

18” round wooden table top, 3 bulb hanging fixture, and 14 wine bottles. Email me if you want instructions.

I also decided to make a bed. I’ve never built a real piece of furniture, so I went into it with ignorant bravado saying things like “If I just use straight lines, how hard can it be?”

A lot harder than you think.

So I drew up some plans for a bed, and I actually found some great walnut at t local hardwood store. I’m going to come right out and brag here. I’m fucking proud of this bed. All of the walnut came from the same tree, and when I bought it it had bark and branches hanging off of it. Luckily a friend of mine
has a shop with a huge planer and table saw, so I was able to mill it down to the sizes I needed. After that, it was just a matter of drilling, chiseling, sanding, measuring, swearing, sanding, coughing, spending, sanding, and sanding before it started looking like a bed. Now I am at the finishing stage which requires more sanding. All of these pictures are of the footboard – the headboard looks the same, but with longer legs. There are more pics on facebook if you are interested. OMG! Friend me! LOLZ! Shut up.

When the house catches fire I hope everyone gets out because I’m going to be busy lowering this fucker to the front yard using a system of pulleys.

Having bitched about how much work it has been, I would really like to do it again. Now that I have all of the building jigs and stuff it would be a much easier process. So…you know…if anyone wants a bed *hand to side of head with pinky and thumb extended in universal “call me” fashion*

I now know why you don’t see much furniture made of walnut. Walnut is the most insane of all of the trees. It is just a little bit harder than granite, and it doesn’t really have a grain as much as it just has malicious desires. You can cut a perfectly straight 1x3x14” piece, set it aside, and come back the next day and it will look like a banana. The next day it might be straight again, curved in another direction, or it may have turned into a possum that is now trying to bite you.

The cat likes to come out to the garage and sniff everything when I am working. This would be fine but she never announces herself and gets locked in when I am done for the day, so at 3 am I awake to muffled meows and stagger downstairs to let her stupid ass back in. She comes back in the house covered in cobwebs and sawdust, leaves hanging off her tail, smelling like fear and shame. I’m really not sure what is behind the water heater, but I’m intrigued.

I have found a great way to flush any cat out of any garage, and I’ll share my secret with you.

First, it’s sort of like when a bird flies into your house – you need to provide the panicked animal a point of egress. Then you gently shoo it toward the open door or window until it flies unharmed back to its bird family and bird job. I don’t know what kind of job a bird would have, but much like humans, being a pilot would be a stupid idea for a bird.

Only difference is that birds are delicate beautiful creatures of god and cats are weird stretchy opinionated dickheads for the most part.

So open whatever door you want your cat to exit through. It is important that you open at least one door, too, because the line between abuse and entertainment is a thin one that can be difficult to prove in court. Kind of like the line between hugging and child molestation.

Next time your cat allows you to pet it, try blowing in its face. They don’t like it. They also dislike loud noises, so fire up a gas powered leaf blower. I think the leaf blower may have eclipsed the vacuum cleaner on the “shit cats are scared of” list.

My cat came burning out of the utility closet and rounded the corner like someone stuck a dentist’s drill up her ass. The she did that awesome Tokyo Drift move where her hind legs create a lot of smoke and provide the bulk of the thrust while the front legs are mostly for guidance and stability. She overcorrected and spun almost 180 degrees and found herself staring down the gaping maw of a leaf blower. The fact that I was wearing a respirator and screaming at the top of my lungs probably didn’t help much, either. I don’t know exactly what she did next because the human eye can only process so much movement per millisecond. I shut off the blower and all I heard was her thumping up the stairs. Not the stairs to the main floor, the stairs to the top floor. Still running.

Our cat thinks being chased is fun. I know this because she’ll chase me until I start chasing her. I also know this because the blower was still warm when she came back down to the basement. So don’t give me the animal cruelty emails. I get much more enjoyment out of being cruel to stupid people, and I’m a lot better at it.

48 Responses to “Projects. And my cat has 6 lives left I think…”

  1. on 16 Nov 2010 at 10:40 am DRG

    That is an awesome bed

  2. on 16 Nov 2010 at 10:49 am Neil

    Sir, you are a true craftsman – of wood & word!

  3. on 16 Nov 2010 at 10:55 am davejase

    Sounds like you have the Jackie Chan of dreams

    Totally with you on the flying thing… gave up a $75k/ year job to fly- I now qualify for food stamps, but I love every minute of it!

    Good to hear from your end of the earth, Dusty

  4. on 16 Nov 2010 at 10:57 am John

    Cats are fun, aren’t they? I didn’t know you got another one.

    I have those little pull string fireworks to get my cat(s) out of the garage. Before I lock up I get one of those out and it pretty much guarantees the cat will rocket out of wherever it’s hiding and fly back in the house.

    144 of them are about five bucks. You just can’t get that kind of entertainment anywhere else. And yes, they’re back at the garage door in 2 minutes so there’s obviously no permanent scarring.

  5. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:03 am Nightmare

    HOLY SHIT! I can’t believe you made me read all that crazy attempt at self molestation whether it be employment or wood, before you got to the pants wetting funny with feline angst! Fucking awesome! I’ll talk to you at 3:30pmCST on http://www.blackskyradio.com correct?

  6. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:05 am Ryan

    I am very impressed with your carpentry skills! That bed is beautiful.

    I’d love to see the plans for the wine bottle chandelier. My wife will want one when she sees it. And I know she’d love to add another project to my list.

    My cat not only likes to be chased, but loves to play fetch. Sometimes a toy is the object… sometimes it’s her. Kid you not… toss the cat into the next room (gently of course) and she’s back in 5 seconds to do it again.

  7. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:07 am Jess

    I am rather impressed myself! That bed is quite awesome!

    As for cats, you have it right on. Having a clowder of them myself, I may have to go out and purchase a leaf blower; I bet THAT will get them off my kitchen table…

  8. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:10 am Brennan

    That wine/light is very well done…and I can’t imagine spending $400 on it. I’d love the instructions.

    Thanks!

  9. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:11 am Jennifer Thompson

    I so needed this laugh today. Thank you kitty for providing us all with an entertaining story.

  10. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:19 am Andy

    Yea, what Nightmare said!

  11. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:23 am Tink

    Bout time we heard from you. 🙂
    Good stuff, the bed is beautiful and the light is very cool. Good work. God speed on whatever it is you end up doing. I just hope it propmts & affords more time to write for us!

    On-On,
    Tink

  12. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:32 am Jenn

    Awesome post! Needed the laugh; much better time spent at work the last ten minutes…You may as well just post the directions for making the cool wino lamp. Everybody and their mothers are going to want to attempt this at home. Thanks!

  13. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:33 am Meow!

    Nice bed for sure. Can’t believe it costs you $3,000 to make when your wife will throw clothes all over it. Oh well. Such is life my friend. Kitty go meow.

  14. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:35 am KCB

    OK – got your voicemail. I do so enjoy your blogs. I love reading then during a teleconference; makes them go faster and I’m happier at the end. And see… I’m not the only one. Tink was waiting too! LOL. The bed is absolutely gorgeous. You are a true craftsman. Loved the light as well. You are a creative genious. Thank you for updating. I’ll wait a few weeks before I start bugging you again :o)

  15. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:38 am CGS

    Our cat (a total wuss – inside cat) is convinced there are monsters lurking in certain places, like everywhere outside, and off the porch. I may have contributed to this concept by banging on the garage door and yelling when he ventures too far from the porch. The motorcycle, with me, helmeted, in full black leather and plastic reflective terror gear, yelling at him, while blowing the horn, revving the engine, and flashing the lights, may have contributed to his monster idea. He almost ripped the door off the wall getting back in. I must have left it cracked a bit when I went riding. I almost fell off the bike laughing so hard. You cannot make him go on that side of the house now.

    Beautiful woodworking.

  16. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:49 am Kat

    OMG — the bed? Will you marry me, when wifey leaves you? Awesome Dude! K.

  17. on 16 Nov 2010 at 11:51 am Adriana

    I have to remember to wait until I get home to read these. Pretending to work can be easy unless you are laughing your ass off. Thanks for the good times! =)

  18. on 16 Nov 2010 at 12:36 pm Bishop

    Dusty, wow! Nice work on the bed (that’s what she said…). Very nice craftsmanship. Looks way nicer than rich guy stuff any day.

    I took my house to hardwood floors for the purpose of my cats low traction to power to skittishness ratio. Very entertaining. Shaking empty plastic shopping bags over their head while they’re munching on dry food in the linoleum floored kitchen tops the list. Lots of clean up afterwards but well worth it

  19. on 16 Nov 2010 at 1:24 pm bree

    Awesome craftsmanship on the light and bed. I think you should up your rates for flying lessons to at least $20/hour if you have to scrape ice and jump start the plane. Or just sic your cat on the douche that left the master switch turned on.

    Those little cannister blow horns are good for cat entertainment as well. Especially if they are asleep on the TV or window ledge.

  20. on 16 Nov 2010 at 1:48 pm Missy

    thanks dusty!
    a true renaissance man, you are, my friend.
    man, that made my morning 🙂

  21. on 16 Nov 2010 at 2:00 pm Ben

    Beautiful work on the bed and the lamp. I’m sure I’ll be cursing you as soon as my wife reads this.

    Love to get a look at the plans for that lamp next time you come back to earth or make it out of the workshop.

    As for feline angst, my uncle used to rub their cats on the floor, on their backs, in the winter. They loved it… right until he let them go. Watching them try to walk across the floor experiencing the effects of static electricity was better than any football game at the holidays. Keep up the good work and thanks for waking up good memories.

  22. on 16 Nov 2010 at 2:44 pm Rene

    You know how many Dusty Scotts there are on FaceBook? Which one’s you?

  23. on 16 Nov 2010 at 3:08 pm Dusty

    The one that is from Atlanta and looks like me, I guess.

  24. on 16 Nov 2010 at 3:30 pm Christi

    Hey Dusty! Good to hear from you. Just yesterday I visited your site to see if you had updated since your last post. You must have known I was looking… Good job on the walnut bed! Gorgeous! Hook it up with the wine bottle chandelier plans, would you (please)?

  25. on 16 Nov 2010 at 4:23 pm Erin

    Absolutely beautiful bed! Beats the hell out of my mission style bed and dresser. I would love plans for the chandelier.

    I wish I had more to offer in the cat angst department. The best I’ve ever accomplished was lifting the lid on the toilet the same time the cat was trying to jump on it and let kitty go for a swim.

  26. on 16 Nov 2010 at 9:54 pm Meredith

    Gorgeous work! Schematics for vino chandelier if you please.

  27. on 16 Nov 2010 at 10:16 pm Heather

    I did a little happy dance when your new post came up on my feed! Thank you for finding some time to update your loyal fans.

    The bed is just beautiful; wonderful work done there!

    And thank you for making me practically pee myself with your cat story…funniest shit I’ve read in a month. 🙂

  28. on 17 Nov 2010 at 8:24 am Jim

    The walnut bed is amazing. I would love to have access to the right tools to take osmething from tree to nightstand. You’ve got to love the feeling of being able to walk into one of those pseudo-Amish craft stores, look at the price on a comparable item, throw your head back and laugh with wild abandon, saying “I could do that…” (and honestly mean it!)

    Beautiful work! You are the working man’s Norm Abram!

  29. on 17 Nov 2010 at 9:00 am Jeff

    As I’m sitting here at work, laughing my ass off, I have to agree with you. I spend a good bit of time not working at work. But C’mon when it’s reading your stuff, totally worth it! You do need structured employment cuz we need more laughs.

    Great Job on the bed. It’s effing awesome. I’d be first in line to order one from ya. ATL isn’t far from Orlando right? ha!

  30. on 17 Nov 2010 at 9:17 am anna

    hey dusty – i love you work. can you email me the wine bottle lamp directions? thanks, anna

  31. on 17 Nov 2010 at 10:14 am Jason

    Dusty….As a hobby carpenter myself, I will hang my head really low, cuz that bed is freakin’ awesome! Love the inlay on the posts and the walnut grain–c’mon! So jealous! I’d like the plan for the wine bottle fixture- great conversation piece.
    Great to see the new post, thanks for giving us laughs! As your other loyal blog fans mentioned…it IS hard to keep a straight face at work pretending to be mulling over spreadsheets.

    Jason from Toronto

  32. on 18 Nov 2010 at 2:16 pm RSoph

    Dusty, I’ve been reading you regularly since the album covers thing years ago, I still re-read it sometimes and die laughing. I cried when your last cat died, and when you proposed to Wifey (two different kinds of crying, I promise). Love you to pieces, and won’t stop reading for anything, but really, did you have to use the word “fag” like that? Some of us still find it offensive, and frankly, I think you’re better than that.

  33. on 18 Nov 2010 at 4:18 pm Gabe

    I know you said you would be interested in taking the cabinet making/wood working classes at Highland Hardware with me, but honestly, I think they are already below your skill level.
    I would be really interested in the technique you used to attach the bed posts to the backboards. Very nice. Very clean. Excellent work, man.

  34. on 19 Nov 2010 at 12:32 pm Dusty

    Rsoph,
    Sometimes a fag is just a fag. Not a derogatory term for a homo, but just someone who’s being faggy. With all due respect, this might not be the right place for you if you are offended by words. I hope you continue to read and enjoy, but you’ll have to take the shit with the sugar. Or the fags with the retards…or however it ends up coming out.

  35. on 19 Nov 2010 at 3:30 pm Amy

    I have a third job idea for you – publish a collection of your cat stories – so very funny. Laughed out loud at work and people are staring. It might almost be better than your washing a cat post.

  36. on 22 Nov 2010 at 9:46 am Mike

    Love it. Your description of walnut made me snork coffee all over my keyboard as it is so true and so well put.

    Love the writing and your extremely warped sense of humor. When are you running for president?

  37. on 24 Nov 2010 at 3:24 pm Robyn

    Sooooooo glad you updated. I’ve been waiting FOREVER.
    Love the bed, I sleep on a crappy futon, but eh.

    As for getting married at twenty, I’m about to. I know, I know, “terrible idea” but I’ve known the guy since I was 9. So its a wee bit different.

    Anywhoooo.
    Facebooked. I was a bit confused as to which Dusty Scott you were too. Until I remembered the Atlanta part [All by myself!].

  38. on 30 Nov 2010 at 8:21 am anna

    hey dusty – can you tell me what kind of wine bottles you used? thanks, anna

  39. on 02 Dec 2010 at 3:50 pm Incredipete

    You’re just like Jesus!!

    Way to handle your wood.

  40. on 09 Dec 2010 at 4:00 pm Marcos

    The lamp impressed me more than the bed, but only because you knocked back 14 bottles of wine in three days, and still managed to pull it off. If only drunken carpentry were a competitive sport.

  41. on 14 Dec 2010 at 1:10 pm Sarah

    Oh yeah? Graphics are really frigging easy considering how much people are willing to pay for it? I fight for every crappy quarter from every client that thinks their 11 year old’s website was “pretty great” with its tiled background of kitty cats – and if they could do it, then I can do it for a few bucks, including gutter cleaning and raking leaves in the price.
    In what magical land are people willing to pay for honest graphics work?

    Oh yeah, Atlanta.

    I facebooked you as well, but now regret writing “facebooked” as a verb.
    You’re from Escondido? Hey, cool! (Wait, no, I really didn’t like it there.) Were you rocket launched into the world at Palomar too?

  42. on 01 Jan 2011 at 11:11 am The Triond Experiment

    Those bottles …Oh those bottles.

  43. on 02 Jan 2011 at 1:25 am TLee007

    Dusty & Sarah,

    Just wanted to send you two a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year wish. May this year be funnier than the last!

    Trent 🙂

  44. on 15 Jan 2011 at 11:57 am leslie

    ….so….how’s the weather down there……?

  45. on 01 Feb 2011 at 8:54 am ferdi

    nice… 🙂

  46. on 10 Jun 2011 at 2:50 pm K

    Hey Dusty,

    I’m totally interested in the wine lamp plans. I’m just catching up on your blog. I don’t post that I lurk, and love reading what you’re up to.

    Take care and I’m glad you got a new cat. I was sorely missing Queasy stories from you.

    ~cheers
    Antarctic K

  47. on 30 Apr 2014 at 12:54 pm Holly

    I’d love the wine light instructions!

  48. on 08 Dec 2014 at 8:25 pm Lindsey

    Could you please send the wine light instructions? I love your fixture!