Reasons Comcast can and should suck it. My pants will be down between Noon and 6 pm.
July 29th, 2010 by Dusty
What is to follow is the only way I can physically keep myself from going to the nearest Comcast Customer Service Center with every piece of comcast hardware I have and a roll of toilet paper. I was going to include several guns on my list, but I think even joking about that is illegal in this brave new retarded post 9-11 world.
I am still on the fence as to whether I would throw the hardware through the window and smear my feces on the door, or take it inside and set it on the counter and shit on it. And then set it on fire. Or eat every piece of Comcast equipment I have and mail them my shit.
Anyway, this will be a tour-de-force; an epic tale of the culmination of a needlessly expensive product, horrible website usability, inept customer service, and the Scotts – A family who does not like wasting time trying to fix shit we are paying for on a monthly basis.
As such, I’m sure it will draw at least a few readers who think I am overstating, overreacting, or not being fair to Comcast. To those people I would like to make one thing clear-
Fuck you.
I mean, feel free to tell me that I am an asshole, but also be prepared for an immense amount of humiliation at the hands of my keyboard. Trust me – I am better at this than you are. If after reading this you think that I am not justified in my anger, you are wrong. It is that simple.
I guess I shouldn’t oversell it. On with the statement…
It is a fairly well established fact that we are in an economic recession. People are hurting for money. With that in mind, think about a free-market economy where price and service drive sales. Basically if you want a job, you are going to have to provide better service at a lower cost because if you don’t someone else will. I love that about this country. I’m not going to go into the lack of competition in cable television because while I know it is complicit in the problem I am having, I want to keep this relatively simple.
With the present state of the economy, I am constantly amazed that companies refuse to work with paying customers to retain their customership. A friend of mine was signing a rental agreement at Alexan360 (a huge new apartment complex in Atlanta) and they pulled the bait and switch on him – making him pay for the credit check, and then informing him that his rent was almost $100 more per month than they had initially agreed to. He basically said “Listen. That is not what I was told. We agreed on this price (pointing to the shiny brochure it was written on), and if you are going to change that, I will need my $150 credit check fee back.”
Here’s how that conversation should have gone –
“Let me check with a supervisor (if necessary)”
“Okay sir, we will honor that price.”
Or maybe –
“Let me check with my supervisor.”
“Okay sir, we have very strict guidelines on pricing, and I have no idea why you were told that price, but we will be able to offer you a free storage unit for a year/ upgrade an appliance/subsidize your drinking habit/give you free internet access/sing you to sleep at night and fellate you awake every morning. Anything to ensure that $1000 a month does not walk out that door and have its friend mention us in a popular blog with a link to our shitty apartments.”
Good deal. No one walks away pissed, they get their $1000 a month, he gets a place to live, and their anemic 30% capacity is now 30.18%. If they couldn’t honor the price, they should do something else.
Instead, they called him back and essentially said “take it or leave it.”
He left it.
Case in point – Comcast. My wife and I have been customers for several years at $100 a month for Cable, Phone, and Internet. A couple of months ago Comcast sent us a package that would “allow us to continue enjoying television programming on any channel higher than channel twenty”. Hm. I thought that was what the hundy a month was for.
Inside the box were two black boxes about the size of Pandora’s. They each had a power cable and a remote control. The instructions said “These stupid boxes must be plugged into any television you own that does not currently have a digital set top box attached to it. Now you have two more fucking remotes to keep track of. By the way, if you have a DVR plugged into any of these televisions, take it apart and plant flowers in it because it will not work with this little gem – but you’ll still have to pay Tivo $12 a month. Also, it will now take 30 seconds to change the channel and you will see several random channels during this delay that will confuse you and cause you to keep trying to change the channel. We call this ‘The Comcast Customer Suicide Assistance Game’. By the way, if you would like to get rid of these stupid little boxes, we invite you to pay $199 a piece for additional digital set-top boxes that will allow you to watch all of your favorite shows in standard definition. And also an additional $10 a month per box. And a good dry anal fisting, as that what we at Comcast think our customers need.”
So yeah. Eat a dick, Comcast. The fun hasn’t even started yet.
The search for a new provider started the next day. First, let’s scope out the competitive landscape. Fast forward 2 hours and basically no matter what I do if I want to be able to watch television and view pornography on my computer while talking to my dad on the phone, it is $100 a month. Lots of offers for “$39 a month, but that changes to $90 a month after 12 months and then to $900 a month after that, and you have to sign a contract in which you agree to willingly be raped for at least two years, after which we will probably make you pay to return your used equipment or something. We haven’t thought that far ahead.”
To start with, I’d like to suggest to all of these companies to change your strategy to something other than “Piss off your customers – the more loyal they are, the more we charge them.”
Now I need to look at my Comcast bill and see what we are currently enrolled in. Would anyone like to point out where I log in?
Click for full size
Didn’t think so. Pay my bill? Well, I want to look at a bill, so maybe…okay, now I’m logging in. username soandso…klackity smackety….password…clickeroo…
And I get this screen.
Click for full size
Let’s take a look at this. My goddamn CAT knows that if you ask for something on a web page, you’d better offer someplace for the input. The only option is to make a payment. “Yeah. We got nothing for you because of another in a long line of new federal regulations (by the way, does anyone actually think this is a good direction for this country?), but we’d love for you to pay us!”
Diabolically, I was forced to click the pay now button. At this point, they amazingly don’t give a shit about the security they are working so hard to protect. I was taken to a page where I could choose from any of fifty ways to give them money, but no way could I see my bill.
Assuming I ever find a place to input my PIN, I should probably know what my PIN is. Since Sara set it up, I asked her, and she said she couldn’t log in either so she went the route of the helpful online chat agent.
Suffice it to say the Customer Service [sic] agent informed Sara that Comcast had assigned her a user name without telling her. They had also assigned a PIN that they emailed us four years ago and had never been needed prior to today. She needed to verify the PIN, but could not do so unless Sara left work and came home, stopping to buy a telephone that plugs into the wall, plugged it into the wall, and then had Comcast call her on a number that we don’t even know because we only use the land line for the security system. By the way, they can call between 10 am and 7 pm.
The alternative? Mail it to us. Apparently the most foolproof, high security way to transmit information is to write it on a piece of paper and then have it transported across country via a series of trucks, vans, and ex-cons in blue uniforms who hopefully put it in a 20 Gauge aluminum box with no lock at the end of your driveway. I bet you thought it would be “over a secure internet connection”, didn’t you?
A week later, we get the holy goddamn grail of numbers, our security PIN. It is 8515, in case you were wondering. Please log into our account and do whatever you want if we still have an account by the time I post this. Change our subscription, call support, whatever you want. If it wastes Comcast’s time and money, please go sick.
So now that I have the number, all is good to go. Simply log in and…
click it.
Oh yeah – the minor detail that this ever-so necessary PIN cannot be entered anywhere. Ooh. A FAQ section on the right…funny I was just wondering what I could do from my email toolbar in my SmartZone Communications Center. If you are using something called a SmartZone Communications Center, my guess is you are the guy who prints out email forwards and brings them to parties as a replacement for your personality.
Here is what the SmartZone Communication toolbar enables these power users to do –
Attach cute smileyfaces to stupid emails about your cats.
Create a custom signature in a green script font with a bible verse in it and an animated butterfly with glitter spraying out of its ass.
Store and organize your photos because you are unaware of the existence of DVDs or the hard drive in your computer
Make a stupid photo album with a Jack Johnson song in the background (be sure and set transitions to “random” in case you have any friends left who don’t want to kick your ass).
Keep track of the list of “friends” you can forward shit to daily.
And many other things that will erase any doubt that you are retarded.
Anyway, where do I go from here. Maybe “account and bill” has a place I can update my account information.
Kuh-lik.
I posted this one really small to make it difficult. JUST KIDDING! CLICK IT!
White hot rage is all I can feel. I am left with but one choice –
“Thank you for calling Comcast. Our menu options have changed, so please listen to all options before dispensing turkey baster full of ammonia into your pee hole just to distract you from what will be an agonizing phone call.”
Existing customers press 1.
-boop-
Please enter the phone number on the account
-beepboopbopboopbeepboopbip-
“we’re sorry, that number is not associated with an account. Please enter the phone number we secretly assigned you when we installed that shitty modem. The number you have never used.”
(me hitting the pound key a bunch of times as if it is my cellphone’s fault)
“main menu – existing customers press one, if you do not experience enough daily rage and would like to join Comcast, press 2. Por favor espanol pinata, marzipam numero tres. All other questions, press 4.
-4-
For trouble with your ser-
-beep-
Please make a valid entry to continue. For trouble with your service, press 1. For
-1-
I’m sorry. I am a digital cunt without a brain. You must make a valid entry to continue. For trouble with your service, press 1. For sales, press 2
okay…-2-
I’m sorry, you must make a valid entry. Goodbye.
The white hot rage changed to something else. I mean something at a genetic level – a man who never thought he would be was now capable of taking another’s life. Hell, if I had a person to blame, it’d be easier in a way, but no, companies like Comcast have created this accountability-free behemoth and the only person I can unload on is some poor college fuck who didn’t sign up for a dose of me this early in the morning.
With my last fiber of self control, I dialed 1.800.COMCAST once again. Using a few tricks I learned from friends who worked at customer support, I circumvented the automated whore and got to a sales guy.
“Thank you for choosing Comcast. This is Andy. How can I help you?”
“Well, Andy, let me start by saying that I am about as pissed off right now as a human can get without being hospitalized. I know you did not cause this problem yourself, so I will try my best to maintain with you, but be assured that I am very close to losing my shit completely and for good.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir, hopefully we can fix this problem. Can I get your phone number?”
“No. I entered it in the website 5 times and it doesn’t like it.”
“hmm…what about the login information?”
“Username God of Thunder (all one word) password I will rape your mouth if you don’t get this fixed (all one word, no apostrophe)”
-klikketyklik-
“okay sir, for security purposes can I verify your address?”
“123 Asskick Avenue, Atlanta, Ga 30308”
“Alrighty – our records show you are a customer in good standing, and you attempted to log on this morning. Was it problems with the website?”
“Yes, oh god yes, Andy. Like you said, we pay you guys what I consider absurd money every month, and in your defense, the cable and phone service has not had many issues, but now we want to simply view our bill to see what we are paying for and it is impossible. I mean, I have four goddamned cable boxes that are about to become a smoking pile of melted plastic on the-”
“Sir, please don’t use profanity.”
“Andy?”
“Yes, Mr. Scott?”
“Now is not the best time to tell me what to do. I am the angriest person you have ever spoken to, and I’m really doing my very best not to physically explode into some kind of supernova, but if you can’t take this level of intensity, please escalate this case to your boss.”
“Please hold, sir”
“Yes, Mr. Scott? This is Mark. Can I help you?” came a booming voice wrongly under the impression that I would be intimidated by its boomyness.
“I sure hope so, Mark. I want to look at my bill.”
“Are you currently at a computer?”
“Yes, but if I log in and see the dead end screen again I fear for my health and the health of others. How about you do it.”
So Mark tries and gets the same screen. No to be derailed, he says “Oh. You went to Comcast.com instead of Comcast.net.”
“I’m sorry – can I interject something real quick? Look at that screen. How are you not getting millions of calls about that?”
“Haha, oh we are – we’ve had sev-”
“Okay, is it really cheaper to pay an army of support staff to answer the same question or to just create an input field on that page? That was rhetorical, of course, but surely you see my point.”
“Yes, sir, I do. But if you go to Comcast.net…”
Click
“Okay. I’m there. As long as we’re on the subject, comcast.net has precisely zero comcast branding on it and does not look anything like a part of your horrible organization. It is just a collection of headlines for stupid people who give a damn about lady Gaga’s Bikini. If I saw this page I would not be quick to enter any kind of personal information. In fact, this page is probably what terrorists look at if they start to forget why they hate America.”
“Well, that’s what we have right now. To get to your account information…if you go over to the right about ¼ of the way down, you’ll see an icon that says ‘email’. Just below that is a tiny link that says ‘account links’. Click on that and in the second column of the menu is another link that says SmartManager. Click that and it will take you to your account.”
“Really Mark? This is the website of the world’s largest ISP? I think if you made the link pop out from under the period after ‘all rights reserved’ if you clicked three times and named it something in Cuneiform it might be more difficult to find. You guys need an interface guy. This is really the wors- Holy fucking mother of fuck, I am going to burst into a fountain of boiling blood.”
you know what to do.
“Mr. Scott, we do not allow cursing on these calls. If…”
“ARE YOU SERIOUS? I WANT TO SEE MY BILL. IS COMCAST TELLING ME I HAVE TO UPGRADE MY SERVICE TO DO THIS? BECAUSE IF THEY ARE, OOOOHhhh dear sweet baby jesus give me your baby strength…”
“No, sir…no. You have high speed already. Just log in using your password -”
Yes, this one too.
“MOTHERFAARRGGGHH! ITS THE SAME FUCKING PIN SCREEN WITH NO INPUT AREA FOR THE PIN. DO NOT TELL ME TO STOP CURSING, EITHER. IT IS HOW I EXPRESS MYSELF. YOU AND MY MOM CAN GET TOGETHER AND DISAPPROVE AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE.”
“Please calm down, sir. I-”
“Listen Mark. My anger is only directed at you because you happen to be the one on the other end of the line. I’m mad at Comcast, and this is as calm as I’m getting until this is resolved. I have an account in good standing and I want to see a copy of my bill. I am going to hang up now and I want an email TODAY with either a Copy of my bill and an explanation of what I am currently paying for, or the necessary account login information so I can get it myself. When I have that, I will be calling back to close this account and doing whatever I can to keep others from signing up.”
“Well, for what it’s worth, I understand your frustration and I will do my best to get this resolved. Please remember that the survey you will be asked to take at the end of this call is in reference to my service and not the Comcast company in general.”
“I know. You have been professional. I guess your job is like being Muhammad Ali’s jump rope trainer. Thanks for your help all the same.”
Comcast, you need to get your shit together like Mexico needs to get its shit together. Yes it is that bad.
My wife and I have collectively spent more than 2 days over the past week trying to view a bill. Not trying to order equipment, not trying to build a custom channel lineup consisting only of The History Channel, National Geographic, The Military Channel, The Food Network, and a live feed from the Hubble telescope (although if you offered that I would reconsider my stance). What we are trying to do is very very simple and it has become the loss of at least one customer as well as many future customers as this blog is read and I personally spread the word about how they are better off with any other company.
Still waiting on that email.
Hey, at least you have the opportunity to switch. Comcast (may they burn in everlasting hell) is my only option here in southern CT, since I don’t have “a clear view of the southern sky”.
I hope you haven’t seen your online bill yet, because the lack of itemization will probably send you off into another towering rage.
Anyways, I still had to laugh (out loud…really) at your barely contained fury…sorry about that.
Dustbuster,
If you have the option, try Uverse. I’ve been with them for a few years and they’ve been pretty good. Their web site is almost as big a steaming pile of dog crap as Comcast’s, but at least there’s only one domain name that I know of.
Although, to be honest, I have had my issues with Uverse customer service and their signal strength isn’t the super-strong harbinger of radioactive death that you get with the cable companies. It also has a nasty habit of just dropping periodically during the day, disrupting my “pantsless-research” activities and screwing up the stuff recording on the DVR, which is a drag.
So maybe you stay away from Uverse and go to…
They all suck. Whatcha gonna do?
Hey D -
If you would like, I’ll run through some customer service angles for you and see what can be done. Not an employee of that company, but I know some people and can get things figured out.
Usually.
I’ll see what kind of magic can be wrougt from this incredible pile of horrible.
Because I like you. A lot.
Are ALL cable companies a-holes?? Time Warner Cable is no better. Only NEW customers are offered the best pricing. How do they retain customers? OH wait, I know…..it’s either them or satellite (of which I’m not a fan either) because they are monopolizing the market in this area.
Oh Rusty! I totally feel for you. Cox Communications in California is exactly the same. I hate them so much but I do like my TV. What is one to do?
I feel your pain, man. Thanks for sharing as always.
Sorry. I meant, Dusty.
Dusty,
I am an interface designer for Comcast and I just wanted to say bite me…
Just kidding…I am a professional software engineer and I completely agree with your assessment and also support your homicidal tendencies in the wake of your experience. I cannot believe that companies the size and cash flow of Comcast cannot get their shit together with interface design. If your customer service phone system is impossible to navigate, you had better have a flawless web interface…or not, I guess. Anyway…I think you should embark on a Comcast hating crusade and create some Death to Comcast graphics and post them under the Worst Album Cover images.
Anyone who says violence never solves anything is either 1) a wimp who cannot fight 2) someone who has never dealt with a company that happily takes your money but refuses to tell you what you are paying for.
Dusty -
Don’t hate me but I was able to get in and view my Comcast bill within about 8 clicks…
But I feel your pain. Service as a whole sucks these days. And we are definitely paying too much for what we get.
B
oh.my.fucking.god. i feel your pain. we had a lightning strike near our back patio, and even though we have a surge protector, and the tv and computer and everything else plugged into that wall worked, we couldn’t get online. two weeks, one trip to their local office 150 convenient miles away, and a bazillion hours of phone calls later with comcast and a bunch of other idiots they transferred me to (thank god i was currently laid off and had the time, or we still wouldn’t have internet), TWO, count em, TWO home visits, they told me it was our internet card. not their problem. even though the fucking router STILL DIDN’T WORK. was it seriously that hard to figure out? i don’t know how to fix the computer because i PAY SOMEBODY TO DO THAT. aaahhh….feels a lot better to get that off my chest. thanks dusty
No, it’s something on their side – I have seen my bill before with relative ease. The CS guy and the tech guy still can’t figure it out, according to a recent email.
All right… I’m now completely on your side. I just tried to log back in (after just logging out) and now it’s saying that my user credentials are incorrect!
Comcast SUCKS!!!
there are no words for a) how right you are about comcast and b) how totally flippin funny this was.
Poor Dusty…
I feel your pain, man. All of these companies are nothing more than blood-sucking, dick biters. They sure as hell want your money, but they sure as hell don’t do jack to earn it. I would like to know exactly how much money it costs them to be the “designated” company in a certain area.
I used to live in Canton, GA. When I first moved up there, the apartment complex I lived in had cable with a company that charged $26.00 a month!! Sweet! After a year, the City of Canton, signed on with Adelphia and the rate went to $52.00 a month… not including the effin phone bill, which also doubled.
They are granted exclusive rights to service certain areas, and the peons have absolutely no say as to their preferences.
They all suck!!!!
I’ve had AT&T Uverse for about 5 months and I absolutely love it. It’s probably a little more expensive than Comcast, but they have a really neat web application and iPhone app that allows you to schedule recordings when you’re away from home.
I feel your pain. For me “Comcastic” has become synonymous with “so shitty I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemies”. I had to deal with similar ineptitude when I transferred my service from my condo to the house. Comcast happily kept accepting my payments but applying them towards non-existent service at my old address. It took 6 phone calls over the course of almost a month to get the credits applied to my new address. Meanwhile, Comcast kept calling us to say we were past due and our service would be disconnected within 48 hours. Assholes.
I love you Dusty.
Oh dear lord I thought it was just me! The EXACT same thing happened except I was less witty with my cursing. From experience though, you’d be amazed at how fast they get things squared away when you disconnect everything Comcast related and stomp into the service center and throw it all on the counter. I didn’t shit on the counter, now I wish I would have at least tried.
Dusty,
That totally sucks. We went through the same shit trying to get cable at our new place. We had satellite at our apartment and loved it! But when we moved we didn’t have a “clear view of the southern sky” so we had to switch. I had to call dish network 3 times to get them to shut off our service and then 2 more times to make sure they didn’t charge us a cancellation fee of 200 for cancelling early. At last, I cried on the phone to a girl telling her that I felt like I was being punished twice for really wanting satellite. (never underestimate the power of tears.) Then we went through a whole line of bullshit trying to get Uverse. So now we are with Time Warner Cable. Our 2 year agreement is up in Sept. I am not looking forward to that line of phone calls. UGH! I hope it works out for you.
Oh, man. Sorry, man.
I can sort of recommend my package deal with AT&T. The tv is through Dish Network and they’ve been pretty good with me except that I pay a good bit more than $100/mo to get any sort of hi-def tv and hi speed internet.
I too pay for phone service only for the purpose of having it for the security system and the dish, but there are ways around that I’ve chosen to be too lazy to pursue.
Good luck. Hopefully it’s better somewhere else, even if only marginally.
Dusty my dear unknown friend,
i cant believe how well you hit the nail on the head with the EXACT, let me repeat that, EXACT same issues i’ve had with Comcrapst. the new shitty boxes are the worst thing that they could have possibly implemented in to their service. they get shitty reception when you try to use the shitty remote. every time i want to change the channel to comedy central, i end up on QVC. WTF??!?!! they couldnt enable the service from there end?! the amount they’ve spent on those boxes for all of their customers i bet they couldve spent half that on technology to work on there end and not inconvenience their customers. fuckers.
fortunately for me, when i called about the security pin, they told me over the phone that it was the last 4 digits of my phone number. wow, fort knox level security there…
don’t even get me started about the time i had modem trouble THEY caused and wouldnt/couldnt send out a tech for 4 days. my porn machine was just an expensive calculator for over half a week.
as a suggestion, i did claim to want to move to dish or fios or someotherfuckingthing and they have given me hbo and starz free for the past two years. not sure if you’ve tried that trick yet.
cheers,
bishop
You know, when I started reading this Dusty, I’m an Aussie and had no idea what Comcast was, so naturally googled them. Got to their website and read a bit more on your blog… compared the jpg of their home page with what I was seeing and I dunno if this is super new because of the threat of you being willing to rip them all new assholes, but there’s now a “My Account” button on the top right corner of their home page. Yes, this is on the comcast.com page, but I had to laugh cause you click it and it takes you straight to comcast.net login. Where you go after that is probably anyones guess. Good luck with a new supplier. They’ll need it.
Dusty,
There is another possible option, Clear 4G in combination with Netflix and Hulu. It’s not quite as convenient as a remote, but it beats the ass-raping you get from cable companies.
btw, I checked the Clear website and they claim coverage in Atlanta.
cheers,
First read this…
http://consumerist.com/2007/05/how-to-launch-an-executive-email-carpet-bomb.html
Then read this entry and copy and paste all the email addresses there…
http://consumerist.com/2009/09/eecb-results-in-deluge-of-comcast-callbacks-quick-fix.html
sit back and wait for a call. When comcast wasn’t able to figure out why I lost internet signal completely for over a week and the two techs they sent out were clueless too I sent an email to the entire board of directors. Within 20 minutes I had someone calling me, within 2 hours I had someone out connecting me temporarily, and within 3 days I had a node installed behind my house.
Just need to know where to hit…
Oh, Dusty, I so feel your pain. I had Comcast (FUCKERS) for more years than I’d like to remember, because they were literally my only option (zero network reception in my 100 year old apartment). WOW! didn’t want to lay more cable to cross the fucking street to my apartment “complex,” so until U-Verse came into the area, I had the same joys as you.
I am saving over $60 a month and even though I have no clue (still) what channels are where (as I DVR everything – w/o having to pay $14 a month for the DVR as I had with Comcast), it’s worth it not to have to deal with (or pay) Comcast anymore.
The best part was that when I called to cancel my shitty Comcast account, the woman “warned” me that U-Verse’s deal would only last six months and then they’d raise my rate…as if Comcast doesn’t do the EXACT.SAME.FUCKING.THING. In Comcast’s favor, the customer service people were always very pleasant, not exceptionally helpful, but pleasant. And that has to be hard when you work for such a shitty company and everybody who calls is pissed off.
And for the record, it’s been more than six months and I’m still paying my original rate.
Good luck with whatever you end up getting.
It’s funny ‘cuz it didn’t happen to me. [Yea, I'm a dick.]
Seriously though – free HD over the air? DSL on a land line? And TV content over the DSL? It’s just a thought. I’ve been pulling down OTA HD for a year now, free of charge, and I love it.
I too feel your pain.
The only difference is, that I have Cox.
But at least, I can call them Cox-suckers.
COX-SUCKERS
Love you brother
Dusty,
Also a “satisfied” Communistcast suscriber if you can truly characterize it as “suscribing”. Your characterization of “fisting” is more appropriate. Maybe they could add fisting to the bundle package….oh wait a minute, they throw that in for free. I also got the “you have to get these small boxes at no charge” letters. I think they provided like 4 notices to which I extended my middle finger to until I was staring at a snow screen one day. They are worthless. I can just see the Comcast CSR trying to follow the “pissed off customer” script when you called. Hilarious!
I sent in a tip to The Consumerist. Let’s hope they pick it up.
Just say no to cable television. Really. Your brain will thank you. So will your wallet.
I just have them send me a bill every month in the mail. (They can afford it at those prices) Also, I only use comcast for phone and internet. I watch TV on Direct TV – which also sends me a bill every month. I will not accept computer bills for anything.
Besides, computers are not here to stay, they are just a passing fancy. They were invented by the blood pressure medicine manufacturers, to “simplify our lives”. Computers and their ilk will be out of business at the first EMP wave. I will still have all my piles of paper that have been cluttering my office for years. Keep your Underwood V oiled and ready. That is an old typewriter, not an obscene remark.
Try this link………
https://customer.comcast.com/Secure/Account.aspx
Can’t help you with your username or password, but when am signed in to page….scroll down to the bottom of the page and there is a link called “Bill Details” and it opens up a PDF with your bill details.
Please try not to kill anyone.
As far as Comcast customer service…..go to twitter and get a hold this guy.
http://twitter.com/comcastcares
Frank will get your shit taken care of.
If what Dad says is true, can I expect a copy of every latest rant typed out and delivered to the 20-gauge box on my porch?
Comcast totally blows dog. My dad took advantage of their 30-day money back guarantee. The new service they hooked up failed right and left almost immediately. Getting them to cancel and refund anything was a total pain in the ass. FOrtunately he’s retired and could spend hours on the phone.
I probably would have opted for the shitting on their office carpet route.
This post on another blog reminded me of your fury with no concrete place to vent:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html
I had the same problem but instead of Comcast it was my bank and instead of “not providing a bill” it was “taking $500.00 out of my account and placing it into someon else’s account and then blaming me when I called to complain.” Good times. I imagine cartoon-like flames were about to erupt from the top of my head.
You’ll notice I have the class not to mention which bank it was, but it rhymes with “Hell’s Cargo.”
Comcast is my only option in Bumfuck Indiana if I want to see network channels. Frankly, I’m doing ok without network channels though Direct TV and Verizon aren’t much better for service than Comcast. It’s basically an era of screw the customer, so either lube up and bend over, getting what pleasure you can of the ass fucking, or give up TV and internet all together. I’m leaning towards the latter lately. The world sucks and I don’t really need to be reminded of that on a daily basis.
Your pain is my pleasure. As usual, your writing style and rants almost make me piss my pants laughing. I realize that is not what you want to hear…you would love to see the headline “Comcast goes bankrupt”.
Customer Service is shitty all around, and I have learned to find the simplest set up (basic cable, basic internet) and not change it is the only solution to preventing headaches with call centres, not to mention preventing ‘dry fist fuck’ (as you put it) inclinations with CSR reps around the country! I have been through your hell before. That is why I laughed.
My shitty day got better because you made me laugh. I look forward to the next post!
PS: maybe consider switching to a rabbit ears antenna, unless you have already ate them, shit them out and sent them to RCA back in the 1970′s
Thought you’d like to hear I just got transferred three times, hung up on once, waded through two automated menus, punched in and recited my account number twice, verified my information with every person I talked to, and sat on hold for 43 minutes when I called Verizon to cancel a fax line. Unfrigginbeoievable.
Dear Mr. Scott,
We’re sorry that you were dissatisfied with your latest experience and we are actively working to improve our customer service.
In order to aid us in these efforts, please… WHOA… get a whiff of this… who would’ve thought the actual nails on the bat still smell like your taint? I mean, blood soaks into the wood parts pretty quickly and can smell, but the nails too? Wild. And when those bits of assflesh dry on the main spike they’ll just crumble right off I bet.
So yeah, to yadda yadda we’re sorry and all… Spread your legs a bit wider.
Kind Regards,
Asspancakes
Dusty – Hilarious, and I feel your pain. These guys are really something. Incidentally, check this out, and note the date on the letter:
http://failblog.org/2010/07/28/epic-fail-photos-collection-notice-fail/
Seems about par for the course.
Another great read! Regretfully, I can’t laugh as it’s currently happening to me and my organs have melted together into a primordial soup of misery due to the uncontrollable hatred bubbling through my veins at 4000 degrees kelvin. I paid $1400.00 in Feb 2010 for a piece of shit computer (not Mac) that just freezes up, so I unplug it and reset it to a week ago when it was still working. Microsoft IE crapped out (I dared to try and install Thunderbird and Firefox) so I called Dell. Five reps and 1 hour later I was told they can’t help me cause I’m a Canadian customer, call back on Tuesday and talk to a Canadian rep. And then what? Holy rolling thunderfucks batman, that was just the tower I paid for, no monitor nada …when I got Satan’s box home I couldn’t connect a dam thing to it – my printer, fax, scanner … you name it – no longer useable because everything is now a USB connection. Fuck me. And we wonder why our landfills are busting at the seams with E-waste?! Billy Gates, ya ain’t helpin the world go green.
Why do we as consumers tolerate this ass-fucking from these companies? When will it be possible for us to use this shit without continually haemorrhaging money into these vampires who have no intention of helping post sale.
Dammit.
https://login.comcast.net/login?forceAuthn=1&continue=%2fSecure%2fAccount.aspx&s=ccentral-cima&r=comcast.net
No issues with the link above, but perhaps they fixed it since you posted this?
We can all go on ad nauseum about our experiences with Comcast. While I totally enjoyed your humor as you relayed your dreadful experience with them, my main question is how can they get away with their practices for so long? We have czars for almost everything nowadays. Why can’t we have a Comcast Czar?! Their practices are often unethical. Yet the FCC or whoever allows it to continue. I should think there would be grounds for a class action suit!
Dusty,
Just think of all the trees you are saving, as well as reducing the carbon footprint by choosing EcoBill through Comcast! That has to ease the pain of the Comcrap fiasco just a bit now right?
Christian
We ditched Comcast in favor of AT&T Uverse which is half the price. Comcast is retarded. And expensive.
This situation reminds me of this thing that Sony put out not too long ago….
http://www.theonion.com/video/sony-releases-new-stupid-piece-of-shit-that-doesnt,14309/
P.S. – A friend of mine used to work for Comcast in their sales and support section….says that they have lawyers up the ass…..think they’d prolly beat a class-action suit…..
Love your writings….
-E-
This is why I use Verizon. The end.
Dusty, how PAINFUL to have to deal with that! I have as much patience as you do with companies like that, which is one reason I would never go through DirectTV. He couldn’t access his account ever, even after customer service claimed to fix it numerous times. He changed to DishNetwork and hasn’t had an issue since.
When we were researching cable/satellite companies, we ruled out Comcast (the only cable provider in my area) as soon as we saw how much more expensive they are than DishNetwork or DirectTV. Rain fade be damned. That doens’t even happen all that often anyway.
I had pretty much ruled out DirectTV after what my friend went through, but researched them anyway. They’re prices, after all the “new customer” prices ended, were still higher than DirectTV.
We’ve been very happy with DirectTV. My only issue has been getting customer service agents who don’t live in the U.S. One time I was so frustrated, I gave up and kept calling until I reached someone who didn’t have an accent.
From 2003, when I lived in Atlanta and was stuck with Crapcast:
I HATE COMCAST
We’ve had problems with the local customer no-service people as well as the national customer no-service people.
Our problem involved Comcast sending out “repair” people in the middle of the night. They set up huge lights outside our bedroom window (the kind that work crews use to repair highways in the middle of the night). They kept me awake from 2:00 AM until almost 5:00 AM. When I finally got out of bed in the morning and turned on the TV, our cable was still out. I called customer no-service and they tried to convince me that there were no repair people at my home the night before. I told the customer-no-service idiot that I looked outside and saw the ATT truck. Ms. customer-no-service idiot then spoke to me like a three-year-old and informed me that I called the wrong number: they were Comcrap, not ATT. I pointed out that Comcrap had aquired ATT cable a week prior and I doubted that they had re-painted all teh repair turcks already. Ms. customer-no-servce idiot beside herself with confusion. (We later discovered that the repair crew were actually “mainenance” people not “repair” people).
Anyhow, I was furious and Comcast promised our cable would be repaired that day. In the afternoon, they left a message on our answering machine indicatig that the problem was
repaired. When I got home from work, the cable was still out. I called to get it repaired and was told that by Phyllis that I should have called earlier because it was too late to send someone out. I explained that I would have called earlier, if they had not left a message informing me that it was repaired. I was told that I could not speak with a supervisor, but one might be willing to e-mail me. I tried to explain that my internet connection was out too, because I have cable internet, but she couldn’t comprehend that, either!
I kept Phyllis, the customer no-service agent, on the line for 45 minutes. Then my husband took over. He finally got Phyllis to reveal that if there was an area-wide outage they would send a “maintenance” crew to fix it (because the “repair” folks only work until 6). I went door-to-door collecting neigbors. They lined up in my living room waitng to talk to Phyllis and report that their cable was out. Once we had 4 reports of outage in my development, we were an official “area-wide outage” and they had to send out the “maintenance” guys (the ones with the lights). I told Phyllis that was wonderful, but they better get here quickly, because if their lights were not out of my bedroom window by 11 PM, I would call the police. They were not going to
keep me awake 2 nights in a row.
They finished the repairs around midnight (I didn’t call the police because my husband was outside “supervising” them).
Anyhow, I HATE COMCAST!!!!
Shit. I just mailed the bastards their monthly due. Maybe next month will be boycott month in our home.
you documented your experience very well – and a hilarious story! i’m sorry for your pain and agony. Comcast and other monopolies should be more loving twds their subscribers….
Dusty, try Netflix. Easy-to-use website. Great service. Never a need for customer service. Tons of choices. No commercials. Less than $20/month, including instant viewing of lots of shows and movies. Portable. And you can tell Comcast to take a long walk off a short pier.
Dusty,
I know where you’re coming from. I had an even worse experience with Georgia Natural Gas, if you can believe it. Long story short, they changed our neighbor’s gas account to our name, left our gas account in the previous owner’s name, sent the previous owner our bills, sent us the neighbor’s bills, and then argued that somehow it was OUR fault (as if we don’t know where we live). Then they refused to just forward us the bills that they had sent the previous owner but with our name on them, accused me once again of not knowing where I live, and forced me to go to the Public Service Commission for help. A problem that could have been solved with a few keystrokes took FOUR MONTHS of twice (at least) weekly phone calls to get straightened out. Also, they refused to waive their “service” fee when I pointed out that I had not received any so-called “service”, so they can also suck it. I changed my furnace into a heat pump instead.
Huh…
5 clicks to a downloaded .pdf of my detailed bill.
does it.
Of course, different regions may put up other methods.
Huh…
5 clicks to a downloaded .pdf of my detailed bill.
https://login.comcast.net/login
Of course, different regions may put up other methods.
(Sorry, formatting, etc.)
So, assuming you haven’t canceled your service yet, you might want to try doing what it’s clearly telling you to do — LOG INTO YOUR PRIMARY COMCAST.NET ACCOUNT. Not your secondary account, or old gmail account from yesteryear. Not sure why you haven’t tried this yet, or asked what it is with a support rep. But if you with your vast intelligence you go on about cannot figure this out, don’t expect some “poor college fuck” to figure it out either. You are, after all, better than them.
Per FCC regulations Comcast must set up certain security protocols with the primary user of the account in order to authorize secondary users. If you already established a third party login (suchandwhat@gmail.com for example), this will no longer be authorized the moment you start phone service. Don’t be pissed at Comcast, be pissed at the FCC goons. Actually, be pissed at both, because it’s funny as hell.
As condescending as this is, I really do hope it helps if you’re still connected with Comcast. If not, feel free to email me privately about it, as I am sure you can see what I have put in this wonderful “hidden” mail field. :>
-Ian