I’m noticing a shift in the paradigm of spam lately. It’s like the CEO of Spamco got together with his maggot-mouthed minions of crapgobbling fuckmonkeys and said, “You know, this whole prescription drug thing is becoming passé. I just got a shipment of fake rolex watches I need to unload. Let’s see how creatively we can misspell R-0-1-E-X and send it to everyone in the world 15 times a day. Just because a person doesn’t want a counterfeit watch in the morning doesn’t mean he won’t want one by dinner, you know. Now go out there and PISS PEOPLE OFF!”

*Fuckmonkeys ooze away, leaving a putrid trail of mucous and anti-spam pop up ads in their wake.*

They used to send me all of those p3nis 3nlargement offers, so I finally sent them a picture of my love truncheon and they stopped. At first I thought they felt sorry for me and wanted to send me fake watches as a consolation prize, but then came the lonely housewives whose husbands no longer please them. They came by the dozen, and I intend no pun. These poor women are horny, people. Think of the horny women, for the love of Pete.

I never use phrases like “for the love of Pete”, because saying things that don’t make sense is for retards and democrats. I’ve heard “for the love of God” before, but when did Pete make the scene? He probably married into the family and got sick of God getting his name in all of the cool sayings. He wormed his way into “For Pete’s sake”, which also sucks, but no one will ever exclaim “Oh my Pete” or “Pete damnit” when they are in a horrific amusement park accident. I have heard rumors that the sinners who want God out of our money might settle for “In Pete we trust”, though. I’d be cool with that, but I’d want to see a picture of the guy first.

A couple of “isms” that I’m doing my part to re-invent include “That’s for the birds”, and calling individuals “cats”. After I die and there are plastic statues of me cutting down a tree with an axe made of spotted owl beaks ironically erected in every state park in America, this will be known as my “animal phrases period”. People will have celebratory orgies to mark the occasion, for it has been decreed.

“This crap is for the birds” is cool because it somehow implies that birds deserve all of the crappy stuff, like they’re Mexican or Presbyterian or something. (I’m kidding. Put down the keyboard, Francis) Birds everywhere will be offended every time that phrase is uttered. In case you don’t know, an offended bird is the sixth funniest thing on earth. One time I told my friend Dave’s Parakeet that I thought canaries were smarter. You should have seen his offended bird face. You’d still be laughing.

I’m not sure what draws me to call people cats. I think it’s because I have this image of the Tom and Jerry cartoon where Tom is all dressed up in a zoot suit, calling his friends cats (and they just so happened to be cats), swing dancing with a woman who is actually a stick of dynamite with lipstick and a dress. So maybe if I call you a cat, it really means I want you to explode. I can prove it is a rad phrase, too. Try this- Say “That guy’s crazy”, and then say “That cat’s crazy” and ask yourself which is radder. That’s what I thought. I’m glad being right all the time doesn’t cause pain.

What the hell is wrong with me today? I just re-read this, and JEEZUS. How do you write an ending to something like this abomination? I guess the most important thing is that you don’t just awkwardly end it.

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