Update- My Dance Dance Revolution Set was returned to sender because the address was messed up. It has been re-sent, and I’m looking for it in another week. I will be in the market for sweatbands, a wife beater type shirt, legwarmers, and whatever else I need to complete my dancing outfit, so feel free to send along any suggestions of places I can buy that kind of stuff.

Also, if anyone reading right now is the person from Quebec who wanted me to write a political article, drop me an e-mail- dusty.scott_at_gmail.com. The article is finished, but I lost your contact info.

Now I’d like to tell you a story about a birthday party I went to last Tuesday night at Chuck-e-Cheese’s.

It was Brian’s birthday, so Crystal decided to have a shindig somewhere that a kid could be a kid. It turns out that adults can be kids there too. It was way more fun than I thought it would be. I seriously don’t think I stopped laughing the whole time. I remembered Chuck-e-Cheese’s as being a really loud, scary place where bigger kids could play all of the games I wanted to play and steal my prize tickets. There was also a massive robotic rat playing weird music every once in a while.

Ajax and I showed up with a beautiful balloon that featured a picture of two teddy bears in a heart shaped hot air balloon with a rainbow in the background. Our first exchange was with the Hostess-

“Are you here for a party?”
“Yes”
“Okay (looking at the balloons) what’s her name?”
“Brian”
“Mmkay. (produces a special birthday balloon and writes his name on it) How old is he?”
“26”
“Ahhahaha. Does he want a crown, too?”
“Of course. Do you have a pink one?”

So we got Brian all dolled up with his crown and balloons, and the fun began.

I never remembered this place having this many games before, but I did remember the sheer joy that was skeeball. I’m going to start a skeeball league. We’ll use our tickets to buy the best uniforms and a team van with fancy rims, or maybe Xzibit will come to my house and pimp my ride with a skeeball lane in the trunk. I’m open to suggestions for a team name.

My former career as a bowling trophy model definitely shows through here.

My brother used his tickets to troll for children. “Hey kid…want some tickets? There’s a prize in my pants.” He is a sick man. He apparently looked a lot like one little girl’s dad from the knee down, because she kept asking him for stuff and hugging his leg. Girls like hugging my brother’s leg…and he’s not really a pedophile. Not a very good one, anyway.

You’ll also note that they do sell beer at Chuck-e-Cheese’s. Chuck-e is very strict about the beer situation, though. I’m not sure how they keep track, but you are only allowed to buy so much beer in a given period of time. I guess they have some retarded notion that intoxicated adults don’t mix with toddlers and really fun toys. Whatever, Chuck-e-fascist.

After about 9 pm most of the anklebiters were gone, so we could play all the Hungry Hungry Hippo we wanted…and play we did. It is a much more divisive game than the name would indicate. Like the nostrils of those adorable plastic hippos, tempers flared.

Stolly’s marriage is on the rocks after a particularly violent match with his wife. He’s a bad loser. “WHY MUST YOU DESTROY THE FABRIC OF OUR HOLY VOWS?! DAMN YOU HASBRO!! DAMN YOOOUUUU!!”

“Pound the Fuck out of the Shark” is much more than just a ripoff of that gopher game. It is also a very healthy alternative to beating your wife for kicking your ass at Hungry Hungry Hippos. Seriously, Stolly got OWNED by his old lady, and the shark got the fuck accordingly pounded out of it.

Another awesome thing they have at Chuck’s is the “make your own video and be a superstar” area.

Here I can be seen performing an artistic interpretation of the “Happy Hands” scene from the cinematic masterpiece Napoleon Dynamite. It pretty much rules. The tables were packed with families of invisible mormons who tipped heavily.

Once my Bro and I started counting our mad stacks of tickets, he realized that now was the perfect opportunity to make a rap video in which we could express our newfound sense of bling.

Being new to rap videos, we forgot the cardinal rule- no one smiles in rap videos. But still, check out our tickets redeemable for rad prizes. We have tons of them, and are therefore better than you.

At the end of the night, Ajax fed our wealth of tickets into the magical counting machine (can you believe Mr. Cheese’s stance on obese children? I was appalled.) Between eight adults we had just over one thousand tickets and a Chuck-e-Cheese staff who really wanted us to leave so they could go home and finish their algebra homework. We decided to get a fabulous prize for the birthday boy with our winnings, and nothing has ever been more fabulous than this-

It’s always nice to get someone something they really need.

Henceforth known as “the most expensive party light in history”, this item retails for $11.99. I estimate that between all of us we spent pretty close to $100 on it.

On a side note, I’d like to also tell everyone that I DESTROYED Ajax two out of three on the air hockey table. To further illustrate my point, I am having the following statement printed on a tee shirt-

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