Once in a while I like to do things just to get a reaction because I am starved for attention and legally insane. Sometimes I’ll tell someone I don’t know that I love them in a public place, scream violent obscenities after dropping my pen, crap in my hand and lob it into the next stall, or punch a child.

Sure, some of these things are complete lies, and others dance jauntily on the edge of social acceptability, but they came to mind last night at PetSmart while I was trying in vain to pick up women. Them bitches is heavy, and I got a bad back.

Anyway, This girl was poking around the aquarium supply aisle and I was about to spring my “You know, a penguin 901 powerhead pump with that setup will make you think you are in Thailand” line (too soon?), when a friend of hers who was very obviously pregnant came up to her and they started chatting. As I pretended to give a shit about a 150 watt aquarium heater, I listened.

Pregnant chick- Heeeyyyy! (In that annoying way dames greet each other and try to sound all excited) You look rough today…what happened to you?”
Other broad- “er…well, nice to see you too.”

Then the pregnant chick started apologizing all over herself for being such a dick and they talked about other stuff.

For some reason I wondered what would have happened if the other chick had said, “Thanks for noticing. I hope your baby is retarded.”

That kind of response would be like murdering your neighbor’s entire family because they accidentally opened your mail one day, but I just think about stuff like that.

So of course I started laughing really really hard in PetSmart. For some reason I had just crowned myself funniest man in the galaxy and was laughing accordingly. I actually had to go out to my car and get my mud together. I thought I had it under control, so I went back in and started to ask the cricket wrangler to bag me up 50 of their finest for my lizard, when that same girl came around the corner and I lost it all over again. I couldn’t even talk, and the last thing I was going to do is tell anyone what I was laughing about because there are some things that shouldn’t be explained.

Finally a girl named Sara (who just moved here from Ohio last week and has a huge boa constrictor, two cats, a turtle, and lives in a loft in a converted high school) got me calmed down enough to go about my business. I should have gotten her phone number, but I forgot.

I also saw this pair of tongs for sale that are used to hold crickets for feeding lizards. The picture on the package showed a live cricket firmly in the grasp of the tweezers, heading toward the gaping maw of a gecko. I wonder what that cricket’s agent told him at the audition for that photo shoot, because it had to have been a lie.

“Er…yeah, this job’ll put all 4000 of your kids through trade school…now if you could just sign here and here…”

Then I saw another model who apparently had the same agent-

“Okay, just look thoughtful, and maybe a bit itchy. The image is for a…new investment fund.”

My friend e-mailed me this thing he found on the internet. I guess he was shopping for chocolate. I didn’t ask.

Before you start flooding my mailbox wanting to know where one can buy a couple of units of religious cross foil chocolate eggs, I have to tell you that I don’t have the URL anymore. Try googling “bewildering candy.”

First, the only thing in nature that lays football-shaped eggs is a species of cave spider from the Brazilian Amazon, and they lay them in your eye sockets while you sleep. Come next morning, all you can see is agony.

Second, they have crosses on them and they are kosher. So incredibly kosher, in fact, that they are gentile. The folks at Happy Candy Distribute Park have some cultural and religious issues to straighten out. This is further evidenced by their candied bacon menorah snacks and swastika shaped piñatas filled with dreidels and heroin.

Mine’ll be here in 4-6 weeks.

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