I thought I lost my wallet yesterday. I was not prepared for the level of panic that brought on. I was also not prepared for the tears of joy that squirted forth upon our reunition. Reunitedness? Reunificatiatude?

I’m even one of those people who keeps copies of everything in his wallet for just such an event. I also keep a car key in there because I lock my keys in my car almost every day. I figured that with my address on my drivers license and my car key right next to it, it would just be a matter of time before my car was gone. It was really ruining my day. I lose my keys about every fifteen minutes, and for some reason that never bothers me. They are pretty much in a default lost state because of the pandimensional keychain my brother gave me for my birthday. I think I don’t care if they are lost because if I am in my house I know they are there somewhere or I wouldn’t have gotten in. Two things I always know the location of are my wallet and my phone. Either one of those things goes missing and it’s defcon five terror alert red up in here.

One time I couldn’t find my phone so I called it. My cat was sleeping on it and the ringer was set to ear-splitting loud/vibrate. You know the rest of the story. I think it is the only way to get a live cat to dust a ceiling fan. Oh, it’s simple with a dead cat. Everything’s easier with a dead cat.

Here’s what I do when I can’t find my wallet-
I walk around faster than normal. I guess this is in case the wallet is on the move and I have to catch up before it finds a new hideout.
I cannot be distracted. I shuffle around looking at the floor, talking to myself about the last time I remember seeing it. Don’t try to talk to me if I am in this state, because I’ll make sounds, but I’ll be thinking about the task at hand.
I look in places where there is no way it could be. This stems from the time I lost my keys and found them in the refrigerator. I looked for my wallet under the sink, in the freezer, in kitchen cabinets, under my pillow, and in the water heater. The discovery of my awesome new digital camera (missing since early December) under the couch was a nice surprise, though. And here all this time I thought a Mexican stole it.

Then I found it in my coat. A coat I had not looked in because I hadn’t worn it the day before. I kept walking past it saying “I know it’s not in there, so I can add that to my list of places it isn’t because I’m so smart and I know it isn’t there. Nope no way in hell that jacket contains a wallet because I didn’t wear it yesterday.”

Okay, so maybe I did put that coat on to go check the mail. I brought my wallet because I seriously can’t function without knowing where it is.

Is there medication for that?

This morning I’m taking my car in to be pimped. Actually it’s a timing belt/water pump thing, but for what I’m paying I assume that both are liberally coated in diamonds.

You know, it would be cool if they pimped my ride a little. My ashtray or trunk or something, just for stopping by. Maybe sensibly pimped (which is not pimped at all)- replace that cloth upholstery with a nice tan leather and repaint the entire thing white. Without the flames and glitter, but with the flat screen monitors so I can watch the news, and a lighted matrix board that scrolls stock prices and tells me if I have e-mail.
I’m so white and not cool it hurts.

I’m getting my hopes up. My car’s going to look exactly the same as it did when I dropped it off. I feel like I should break into a sad song to convey my feelings.

Someday my pimp will come…

But I don’t have time to rewrite a song right now. I’ve gotta’ get up and get ready for work. And find my damn keys.

Hope to meet at least a person or two in Greenville tonight. Come by and poke me with a stick if you’re in town. I’m meeting a bunch of other people there and I’d guess they’d all love to be poked with sticks too. Who doesn’t?

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