For reality television, merely jumping the shark wasn’t good enough. They’re going to marry the fucker.

It started with The Real World on Mtv. The boybandesque formula of the “reality” shows to follow. I remember watching the first season when I was in college, thinking, “Wow, what an intriguing concept.” Then the next season came along and oddly enough there were the same seven people staring back at me. Of course this time the gay one was gayer, the black one was angrier, the fat one was louder, the redneck was more racist, and the attention whore was actually mentally ill. The good looking ones were even better looking…and reality television took its first step away from reality.

But a step away from reality proved to be a step toward billions of dollars. If being buried in scorpions while forced to solve a math problem is reality, I’ll stay here in my little fantasy land.

As long as we’re in fantasy land, let’s pretend the world needs another reality show…

I had an idea to have two groups of contestants running in parallel. Both groups of people would be picked by the formula. All races (or at least the big three), sexual orientations (probably just the big two), and emotional issues (god knows how many of those there are. Ask me about my dating career) would be represented, of course. The only difference between the two groups would be their ages.

The first group would be the 18-25 crowd that they always use. Possibly very bright people, but not yet completely in control of their emotions. A volatile group not given to thoughtful conflict resolution or team based problem solving…like democrats.

The second group would be in their mid thirties; fatter versions of the first group, but with that very valuable ten years of social and professional experience under their belt. Not former celebrities or career reality contestants either- I’m talking about regular people who have experience in actual reality.

Both teams would be put in similar situations and given the same tasks. For a while I thought that it would be interesting to see how the teams solved problems differently, but then I realized that the mid thirties folks would be about as interesting to watch as golf. On the radio.

Here’s an example- In this week’s episode, someone eats the last of the tofu and doesn’t tell anyone.

First, the younger group-

Who the FUCK ate the goddamn TOFU?!?

OH NO YOU DIDN’T! *Throws a shoe and gets kicked off the show*

[fade to the bathroom, and the girl with the eating disorder is cutting her face with a steak knife so she’ll seem like her problems are more “real” than this petty bitching.]

Then the older group is faced with the same situation-

Hey, we’re out of tofu.

Yeah.

[fade to another non-dramatic scene]

Which one would you rather watch?

As long as I’m asking unanswerable questions, would you rather be retarded or paralyzed?

Reality television sucks because it is out of ideas. We’ve seen good looking people eat the reproductive organs and fetuses of almost every species of animal, we’ve lost faith in the concept of a committed monogamous relationship, and we’ve gotten dumber by the millions. I personally hope the shocking twist in the next marry a millionaire/bachelor show is that at the end the guy turns out to be a suicide bomber.

Okay, a gay suicide bomber.

Whatever it takes to marry the shark.

Trackback URI |