Try this sometime at work (it’s my latest work trick)- go into someone’s office while they are in there and pretend to fart. Wave the fumes away from your ass and stuff, but don’t actually fart if you can help it. It is more effective if there is no noise associated with it. The person will be all, “Dude, take that out of here, you freak. GROSS!”

Then (if they don’t leave the room out of fear) they will start acting like they smell the most horrible thing ever. Guaranteed they will give an Oscar performance, and only you know the secret mind trick. If you tell them that you didn’t really fart, they will swear they smelled something, and they might have. Behold the power of suggasstion.

I have a friend who happens to be female, and she sends me all of these inane crappy e-mail forwards that her friends send her. Not because she really wants me to read the stupid card with ten great things about kittens and forward it to five friends, but because she thinks chicks are sort of lame when it comes to this kind of fake affection stuff. I might marry her if she lowers her standards, but that’s another story. She told me how when this group gets together you have to plan when you are going to leave because everyone has to be herded together for the hug line and some other ritualistic stuff that takes ten minutes and frankly creeps my shit out.

When I was in Greenville a couple weeks ago, I crashed on Mike’s couch after a night of partying. The next morning I found a piece of paper on the end table entitled “how to get out of here”, complete with directions to the highway. That’s dudespeak for “good seeing you. Don’t wake me up.” And I didn’t give it another thought.

From what I read as an honorary lurker on these girls’ e-mail list, I would have at least seventeen reasons to be offended by that note if I were a chick. Everything from the kind of paper he wrote it on to how many words he used. Oh, and where does he get off not hugging me when I leave?

I was in awe of the fact that he had the foresight to write it down the night before, considering that we had consumed several hundred gallons of beer. I even remember watching him write it and wondering what he was doing. He could have wiped his ass with it and I would have been okay as long as I could still read it.

So basically, I think it would be exhausting to worry about and examine every nuance of every person’s words and actions. That’s why I’m glad I’m a dude. One of the reasons. I also enjoy standing up to pee and being able to say pretty much anything I want. That’s also the reason women think I am an insensitive jackwipe. I generally pick up on nonverbal communication quite well. I just don’t care. If it’s not important enough to say out loud, then I’m not going to waste any mental energy on it.

Here are a couple of memorable quotes from my friend Dave in the past week-

“Check it out. OsTrim has real Ostrich Power. I’ve always wanted to eat a bird that could kill me.”

“You can build robots with artificial intelligence all day. The hardest thing to do would be to build a robot that was sarcastic. You can’t program that kind of thing.”

Maybe if they started with an operating system-

I have been awake since 2:45 a.m. and that just pretty much blows chimp. The term “blows chimp” or “blows chimps by the herd” comes from my very favorite radio show- a radio show that I would like to share with you at this time. Go to the website and listen to the free stuff, but not the Television pilot, as that sucked because Phil didn’t write it. Phil Hendrie is probably the most revolutionary comedic genius of our time, and if you don’t understand what’s happening on his radio show, I would like you to turn what passes as your sense of humor over to the nearest government official so that it can be put to use by a smarter person.

Thank you for your time.

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