Well, maybe you have. A friend of mine recently told me of his new pledge every day – “Write something”. I guess if this is one of the things you consider a creative outlet (and this is for me), that is good advice. I’m done trying to explain why my updating has been so crappy lately, but I am taking steps to remedy it. I’m still working on a book, but writer’s block apparently doesn’t just apply to humorous musings. It also applies to lengthy projects of ambiguous origin and even ambiguouser definition. Everyone has been telling me to write a book. However, I assumed that meant “type a bunch of funny stuff onto your laptop porn machine and then drop it off at the book factory”. It is much more complicated than that.

Also, I’ve found that saying you are writing a book sounds about as douchey as any sentence ever uttered. It’s like when someone has the title singer/songwriter and they just mean to say that they have big dreams but are largely talent-free. Every retard with a laptop is writing a screenplay or something. So I’m not trying to be a douche.

But I will take the time to share a few things I have noticed recently that make little to no sense to me. I call them “Absurvations”. But then I call a lot of things a lot of things that aren’t real words.

If there were a gauge that measured things on levels of absurdity from green (everything makes sense and this item is useful and good, like breasts, the ipod, and the internal combustion engine) to red (should not exist in this or any other universe; like cilantro, Kanye West, and the instructions on how to leave a voicemail that play every time you call someone) these things would be in the yellow area (looks like it was legislated into existence; like warning labels on soda bottles and people wearing safety goggles on television while hanging a picture).

My phone has a particularly infuriating feature when you are writing a text message. But before we get to that, let’s examine predictive text on cell phones. That’s a feature that you can either use, or you can’t. It’s a fun game where the phone tries to guess what you are typing based on the keys you hit. I don’t have a full keyboard and mouse on my phone like the rest of you fancy boys. Mine’s the standard 12 button deal. Just upgraded from a rotary phone.

Anyway, they do a decent job of guessing words, except for the part where half of the words aren’t actually words, and no thought was given to context. Do you want to help of bury the body? Of? I know that the two choices the phone has when I hit the 6 and the 3 key are either “me” or “of”, but could we throw some kind of context sensitivity in there? Also, just so you know, “bikermo” is not a word in any language I know of, but an “aileron” is an oft-referred to part of an airplane. However, the phone’s vocabulary does not include fishing, aviation, or swearing.

In any case, I’m sure my boss will be glad to know that the left bikermo has a loose control jimlage.

And seriously, they couldn’t add words like shit and fuck to the phone’s vocabulary? Really? Nah. Teenagers and adults don’t use words like that. Nope, instead I either have to add a word to the phone’s library or be happy telling my friend that the weather is shivvy and the traffic is ducking bananas. Duck that shiv.

I swear to Christ I can’t believe I get emails asking me to write more. Reading this stuff is like when my cat gets a shoelace caught on her tooth (about once a month while idly playing with shoelaces) and enables the warp thrusters in any and all directions because there is a crazy sneaker bouncing along next to her head no matter what elusive maneuvers she attempts. No one knows where it is going. But it is always hilarious. So maybe there is a redeeming quality.

Back to the original point I was going to make. My phone’s strangest feature.

Sometimes I’ll be halfway through writing a text message and I’ll hit the little red square instead of the backspace button, and it will completely abandon me. The screen says “saved to drafts” and then it kicks me all the way back to the menu screen. That part is bad enough, but midway through trying to find the “drafts” folder, I started to wonder exactly why the hell anyone who designed a cell phone would think that there needed to be a drafts folder. Do people really write a draft of a text message and think better of sending it in the heat of the moment, or is there a lot more to text messages than I think there is?

“Yeah, I’m just re-writing this text message. It still has some rough spots in the introductory paragraph. I’m still not sure if LOL or LMAO is a more appropriate sentiment in this case, and I don’t know if I have an emoticon for cancer. Might have my editor look it over later.”

Has anyone in history ever submitted their doctoral thesis in 164 character portions?

On my way to work today I made another absurvation in the elevator. There are two buttons clearly marked “door close” and “door open”. You can push either of those buttons as hard and frequently as you want, but nothing happens. If I want to open the door while the elevator is moving so I can see if there really are dinosaurs walking on treadmills that control the elevators like my wife says, why can’t I? I just want the buttons to do what they say they do.

If I had to choose one of those buttons to keep and have the other one outlawed, I’d keep the “door close” button. Maybe that makes me a pessimist. Whatever. I just think it would be cool to slam the elevator door in my loud neighbor’s face when she comes running to catch it. Even better, to crush her leg in the door and have it eaten by dinosaurs as we head to the lobby.

Then as I was walking through the lobby, I saw I sign on a door that said “KEEP DOOR CLOSED AT ALL TIMES”.

So why would you put a door there if it is never to be opened? It’s probably where they keep the dinosaurs, but it still seems like a better idea just to not have a ducking door there in the first place.

I have been getting a lot of emails axing me to write more. And I desperately need to if I want to salvage what is left of my sanity. Making the money I make (which would be on the poverty side of the scale) for the job I do (which has considerable inherent responsibility and risk involved at times) does strange things to the inner workings of my mind. But you can help.

No, I’m not asking for money…unless you will give me a dollar a day if I post pictures of myself with flies all over my face. I just applied for a part time job washing cars, so don’t think I won’t sink lower. I’ll do it.

Send me questions, comments, ideas, thoughts, philosophy, or anything you think would be worth hearing me bitch or pontificate on. You don’t have to, and it may be a bit presumptuous of me to assume that anyone cares what I think about anything, but you guys all know me pretty well if you’ve been reading for any length of time, and I have to admit I’m curious for feedback. Even if you write to tell me something you hate about me, I’ll be respectful if I decide to write about it. I know that’s tough to believe, but I’m serious.

My next entry (saved securely in the drafts folder of my cellphone) is going to cover things that fall on the red end of the absurvations spectrum, including (but not limited to) the repopularization and growing acceptance of the douchebag in polite society, cultural differences in electronic communication, and why married people become retarded. If you have anything to add, feel free. And if I don’t post another entry within 10 days of today – November 13 2009 – please send me an email and scold me as you see fit.

46 Responses to “Oh Yeah? Well you haven’t been writing much lately either.”

  1. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:05 pm Brennan

    Good to see you again!

    Honestly, one reason I am pushing my better half to get an internship in Atlanta is to possibly encounter you and the shenanigans that follow you while out on the town.

    As a newly married man myself, I think it would be interesting to hear you pontificate on the new arrangement. Marriage is one of the funnier institutions ever created…and I would imagine it has presented you with more than a few new thoughts on life.

    Take care.

  2. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:09 pm Navy Mom

    wat the duck? wher the shiv hav u ben?
    welcome back !!!

  3. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:12 pm AndyR

    Dusty, I’m so glad to hear from you again!!
    I’ve missed you! I figured you were still “honeymooning” and didn’t have time for us mere mortals. I knew you’d get around to writing as soon as your arm muscles had quit contracting! Now that we know you’re still alive, I have reason to check my emails again.

    I started to send you a couple of emails recently, just to see if I could get a response, but figured you’d write when the mood (or a brick) struck!

    The only thing I hate about you is the long periods between posts!! Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:12 pm Nightmare

    You need to be a regular call in guy on my new Radio Station…..Judd, Pete, Joe Peacock all do it, you should too…www.blackskyradio.com

  5. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:12 pm Gregg

    Dusty i’ve been reading your clog for a long while and an glad to hear you’ll try treating more often. By the way i love the idea of sending tets ithout correcting the auto guesses&

  6. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:15 pm Gregg

    I also love the idea of not proofreading my comments (which I’m typing up while looking at my cell phone draft text). It adds a new level of text auto guess nonsense.

  7. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:15 pm Cathy

    Happy to see you posting again!

  8. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:19 pm Jess

    I was pretty sure you had been captured by Columbian drug lords and have been forced traffic cocaine for the last few months…which of course would be fun and all…and BOY would that plane be going FAST…GLAD YOU ARE BACK!

    I once was trying to text Brian Adams (long and naturally hilarious story) and it typed Asian Beans. Almost the same, so I sent it anyway.

  9. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:25 pm Ellen

    way.! you posted a new clog!

  10. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:29 pm bishop

    just when i thought i would never hear from you again. i’ve missed your outlook on lifes little annoyances. welcome back and see you next week.

  11. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:46 pm JamesC

    Dusty,

    I think you should write about the glaring idiocy of our society as it pertains to wealth and fame…that the daily machinations of complete and utter wastes of space like Britney Spears dominate the media while the real issues are ignored and real role models (what few there are) are marginalized. I realize this is not a novel subject area for you to touch upon, but I think people need a regular dose of reality to make them wake the duck up.

    Regards,
    James

  12. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:49 pm SeaD

    Hallelujah! The Secret does work, and I have proof. Just yesterday I was wondering what ever happened to that Dusty character who used to make me laugh, and so I searched for new bits o funny on your website. Nothing. Lo and behold today, what shows up in my junk mailbox (probably because it has been so long) but a new post from the one and only. Yippie-kai-ya! Laugh time at work again. Although I literally had to stop reading after

    “Yeah, I’m just re-writing this text message. It still has some rough spots in the introductory paragraph. I’m still not sure if LOL or LMAO is a more appropriate sentiment in this case, and I don’t know if I have an emoticon for cancer. Might have my editor look it over later.”

    Because a.) I can’t see through buckets of tears and snot, and b.) I am pretty sure my boss is aware that no part of my job should cause fits of hysteria.

    Seriously Dusty, you do need to write more. I cannot wait for your book. It’s bound to be the shiv, just like you.

  13. on 13 Nov 2009 at 2:51 pm JM in NJ

    “someone has the title singer/songwriter and they just mean to say that they have big dreams but are largely talent-free.” Priceless!

    I work at a public radio station and we call them singer/songwhiners.

    Good to have you back!

  14. on 13 Nov 2009 at 3:05 pm Biff

    Dusty, the time has come for you to explain why certain politicians make me want to piss on their graves (and they are still among the living) while other politicians merely make me want to rent a bus with no bathroom and 5 kegs on board, invite 50 drinking buddies, and drive 300 miles to their house and turn the drunken fools loose on their lawn.

  15. on 13 Nov 2009 at 3:12 pm Valerie

    Hey Dusty,

    As they say in the business… “first time/long time”. I’m glad to hear you’re writing a book because I get through these blog entries in a couple of hours and crave more of your witticisms. 🙂
    How about writing about traffic jams/idiotic drivers/foreign drivers/why do people pull into a right-hand lane to go straight and cause all the right-turners behind them to idle? (Shouldn’t there be a law?)
    Love your stuff!

    ~V.

  16. on 13 Nov 2009 at 3:22 pm susan

    I was so glad to receive this little gem in my email. My phone swears. Maybe you got a dud.

  17. on 13 Nov 2009 at 3:37 pm FawnDellMaititz

    Dusty, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the following:

    “Sully” Sullenberger
    The Balloon Boy saga
    Healthcare Reform

    Regards,
    Fawn

  18. on 13 Nov 2009 at 3:49 pm Beth

    I started calling my friend Arnold because text wouldn’t say Brooke. She is not so fond of being called Arnold.

  19. on 13 Nov 2009 at 4:04 pm Ryan

    Great to have you back! I’ve been missing reading thoughts I agree with. No shiv, just yesterday I heard Kanye West mentioned and thought someone should pontificate on how his existence in the media is an abomination to everything that is good and sane.

    My favorite feature of my cell phone is when a call comes in and I’m two button pushes away from finishing a painfully lengthy text (I’m slow at it.), the ducking phone ditches all my efforts to tell me I’m receiving a call! Makes me want to wipe my Kanye with it and throw it in the river.

    Feel free to rant about anything… We’ll read it. Things like religious equality for immagrants (only for them, not for citizens for some reason), why toilet seats don’t close themselves when you flush, the fact that most of the people around the work place get paid more than me (or you) for being half as good at their jobs as I (or you) am (are), or the $24,000 per car the cash for clunkers supposedly cost tax payers, while taking perfectly good vehicles and throwing them into land fills when lost of people can’t afford a used car.

    You want ideas? I got your ideas!

    God speed!

  20. on 13 Nov 2009 at 4:05 pm Cecilia

    I want to know what phone Susan has so that I can get one like it!

  21. on 13 Nov 2009 at 4:45 pm Random

    Hey Dusty,

    Missed laughing along with (or at) your posts, I am glad you are back, for however long.

    My son got a hold of my phone and drooled in it. I am just happy that I have a slidy phone with the keyboard because the 3 and 6 on my phone no longer work. And every phone number around here starts 326.

    As for retarded married people, they get seriously dumb as hell around their single friends. I have had 3 friends get married this year and have heard every snarky comment on how I am still single. “Being married makes everyone think you are SO adult, do you feel like an adult Random?” No I just have a kid and a mortgage, but since I am not married I am automatically less than you. How about we hang out at your place, oh right your mom doesn’t allow noise after ten. Enjoy married life. Bastards.

  22. on 13 Nov 2009 at 4:47 pm Patti

    Glad you are back. How is married Life?

  23. on 13 Nov 2009 at 5:03 pm Asmith

    My 21st birthday is in 10 days!!! another new entry from you is a great birthday present!!!

  24. on 13 Nov 2009 at 5:28 pm wwarcrygirl

    Dude, TODAY is Nov 13. Ten days from now will NOT be Nov 13. Get a ducking clue, man. I can’t think of a single thing that you would either enjoy writing about or I would enjoy reading you tear to shreds so how about you write more about your cat? I’m assuming you have a new one or is this one the Wife’s?

    You think married people are retarded just wait until you two have kids (and I’m making the horribly rude assumption that you two will be breeding in the future. I honestly can’t remember your stance on kids).

  25. on 13 Nov 2009 at 6:45 pm bree

    Ducking great to see you writing again. I haven’t peed in my pants for a while so look forward to changing my undies for you soon.

    Why not pontificate about engaged people. Bridezillas is my guilty pleasure. If you think married people are retarded you should follow some of the ass-wipes that are planning to get married. Seriously, I’ve been around deranged monkeys that have better manners than these women.

    Or another suggestion would be to go to a restaurant and when some idiot gets on their cell phone and STARTS TALKING REALLY LOUDLY, get on your cell phone and speak like you’re talking to the other idiot on the phone. Then tell us about your conversation.

    Welcome back…I’ll be waiting in 10 days with clean undies

  26. on 13 Nov 2009 at 9:23 pm WriteSomethingHole

    D-bag,
    “Write Something” every day? Sounds like awesome advice for someone who’s considered a “writer”.

    Wonder if your friend follows this advice… hmmm? Has he sent you any of these “Write Somethings” as proof?

    I wouldn’t trust him… or her… could be a “her” because I wouldn’t know who you’re talking about.

    Could be worse, we could be in a band. Think about that.

    Little tiny catlicks, J.

  27. on 13 Nov 2009 at 10:05 pm kekoas mom

    Just yesterday, I was thinking about trying to get you to repost that avi of the stick finger you in the shower in with the spider, and corresponding entry. Makes me cry just thinking about it.

  28. on 13 Nov 2009 at 10:19 pm cindy

    wow. I’d actually forgotten about you. This is cool – like finding a 20 in the pocket of a coat you never wear anymore….

  29. on 13 Nov 2009 at 10:53 pm marc

    I don’t text…I don’t get it.

  30. on 13 Nov 2009 at 11:42 pm Katie

    I miss stories about Queasy. I don’t know if your current kitty is half as cool as Queasy, but you could write an entire book on the daily musings of your cat, its love affair with the hammer and sworn revenge on the vacuum. Those are always my favorite.

  31. on 14 Nov 2009 at 2:27 am SkitzoLeezra

    Dude, I’ve been waiting so long for you to post that I contemplated deleting you from my favorites list AND started posting my own damn blog.
    After reading your latest, I realize that you are much like the Saturday morning cartoons of my youth: funny then, not even close to amusing now.
    😉
    Marriage stories – trite.
    Near brawls with dirty hoboes – blog gold.

  32. on 14 Nov 2009 at 6:30 am Sarah

    You made The Skirt and honest woman! Fabulous! I miss hearing about Queasy too ~ and the spider in the shower story is still a giggler.

  33. on 14 Nov 2009 at 9:19 am e-man

    Take it easy dude. Good writing is a state of mind.

    Sometimes it’s okay for anyone to hurl shit at the audience. So take it, easy.

  34. on 14 Nov 2009 at 11:55 am Janet

    I would love more cat stories. Did you ever sell your first condo or are you still renting it out? What kind of cat do you have now? How is married life? I can’t believe the skirt finally made you an honest man. Thank you for posting again, you have been missed.

  35. on 14 Nov 2009 at 1:05 pm Rene

    Great to see you’re back again!

    You want a subject? How about, when you’re in an elevator, and the doors open, there’s people waiting outside and then ask you “going up?” even when there’s a clear lit up arrow outside the elevator? If you can’t read the arrow you have no right to ride an elevator.
    Or you’ve pressed the button for the elevator, the button is clearly lit, and some impatient bugger comes along and presses the button again. Pressing it again will make the elevator come quicker?

    Just a thought…

  36. on 14 Nov 2009 at 1:44 pm Jonn

    Funny thing; there is at least one book written by text message.

    http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2007-01-24-textmessagenovel_x.htm

  37. on 14 Nov 2009 at 11:14 pm Jim Cook

    Why are the packages for CDs more flimsy than the CD itself? Why do DVDs have three stickers, an indestructible cellophane wrapper, AND an electronic protection? Why do people believe that actors have any credibility when promoting items?

    Why, I mean WHY, do political signs work?! Why does the ability to spell one’s name correctly on a piece of cardboard qualify anyone for office? This one bugs me no end.

  38. on 15 Nov 2009 at 3:35 pm Mary

    I’m with Kekoas Mom… I actually had my teen-age daughter read about the spider in shower blog for her english class. (She has to read and respond to blogs in a journal.) We laughed, cried, and peed our pants a little. Good to see you back!!!

  39. on 15 Nov 2009 at 11:55 pm Alison

    Great to see you back! Love your writing and your opinions. Here are some topics I’d love to see you address:

    1) Pros/cons of living in Atlanta. My job may be moving to Atlanta, so I’m wondering what it would be like to live there. I currently live in the midwest, and am wondering if it really is 10-20 years “behind the times” or if that is just rumor. Have you ever lived anywhere else?

    2) Healthcare reform (as someone else mentioned).

    3) Holiday traditions – especially now that you are married…

  40. on 16 Nov 2009 at 12:59 am missgnomer

    Here’s an absurvation for you. We have an elavator in the two story building that I work in. The only people who use it seem to be myself and preggers but I’m ok with that. What I don’t understand is why there is a button for floor 1 and floor 2. No matter what place you enter the elevator, due to the law of elevating (what about descending which should happen about 50% of the time), you will be going to the other floor. All 2 story elevators should have a “Go” button that just go’s to the floor you are not currently on.

    Perhaps there is a sweatshop in China that makes only floor 2 elevator buttons and my suggestion would cause a considerable number of people to loose their jobs, but they would be picked up quickly by the new “GO button” shop down the street. Given it could require a different skill set, but I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt.

    As for subject matter, here you go:
    chiggers
    Britain vs the United Kingdom – is there a difference
    Crazy things experienced as a pilot (it’s amazing that we pay people who have the most responsible jobs such as pilots and teacher teh lowest amount of money)

    Please don’t talk about healthcare reform. If there is anything that your blog has done well over the years it is to have stayed mostly out of mainstream politics. Cat stories are good. Especially tinsel ones around the holidays.

  41. on 16 Nov 2009 at 12:18 pm MelissaInAz

    I’ve personally always enjoyed the posts where you show us some of your hate mail, and then pontificate about it. I vote for public floggings.

  42. on 16 Nov 2009 at 2:11 pm Slutface

    I just recently came across some photos of you in a child’s spiderman swimming get up. That was a great laugh! I’ll have to email them to you. I also read somewhere not too long ago that a death-row inmate got the judge to agree on gassing him instead of lethal injection because of his phobia of needles. Not sure how true it is, but totally crazy. Tax payers paid for that motion to wave lethal injection. Why? Because it would scare him to death? Dumb. And finally, I’m thinking about starting a purse hook (that attaches to a bar or table) company where I would buy them online for $7 and sell them for $15 at local markets. I will name it “Hookers.” And my slogan would be, “Has H1N1 got you down? Get yourself a Hooker!”

  43. on 17 Nov 2009 at 11:05 am Uhhh.... Yeah.

    I’d be curious to hear your take on socialized medicine — that is, I think I know where you come down on it, but I wonder if the tiringly long debate is as annoying to you as it is to me…

  44. on 17 Nov 2009 at 2:07 pm davejase

    OOH! OOH! Do Kanye again! The “Voice of his Generation”! thanks for writing again, I leave MEETINGS to read your latest missives. I tell them I am going poop.

  45. on 17 Nov 2009 at 2:08 pm davejase

    Or maybe a piece on Oba-Mao?

  46. on 18 Nov 2009 at 8:23 am Lisa

    My life has been so ducking shivvy and empty without you! But seriously, your relentless bitching and moaning makes me happy, plain and simple. If you ever get an itch to write about little office douchebags that have only been attorneys for about a year or so and don’t feel the need to appreciate their very wise and talented office staff AND refuse use hand sanitizer when they’re sick and sharing a computer, just to be a ducking shivhead with passive aggressive tendancies, that would just be lovely Dusty. Or, if you have any awesome office practical jokes with which to torture him, I would be forever in your debt.