A new member of the household.
February 23rd, 2009 by Dusty
Sorry it’s been so long. Microsoft Word decided to stop working, so all of my blog drafts have been held hostage for a while. It’s cool now.
As some of you know, I murdered my cat Queasy in June. I was pretty much done with cats after that. Sort of because of the issues with the world being her litter box, and sort of because it sucked so much to watch her die after 13 years.
But I guess it’s like losing a child. You’ll eventually want another one so you can forget the first one. That may be the most insensitive thing I’ve ever typed. I’m getting good at this.
A few weeks before Christmas, I decided that what Sara needed for Christmas was a new cat. I wasn’t sure if she’d throw it at me or appreciate it, but I figured either way I’d be covered as “having made an effort to give a gift”. So I looked around. I liked the Queaser because she was small and quiet and didn’t jump up on tables and break stuff, so I figured I’d try to find another ugly flat faced cat like her. On the internet they call them “Persians”.
Persian cats cost like $300.00. Seriously. That’s almost a year’s salary for a flight instructor. I’d need to find one that was missing a leg or a head or something. So I started calling and visiting animal shelters. About the third place I went, they had a Persian cat in a cage so I asked “What’s the adoption fee for this one?” “It’s $75, but he’s already been adopted.” She replied. “Even though its nose got cut off? I figured there’d be a discount or something. Plus, isn’t being adopted by an animal shelter about the worst luck a cat can have?”
“No, his breed has flat faces and he was adopted by a family who is coming to pick him up this afternoon.”
Well, if you can’t at least laugh at me because you feel sorry for me, then I don’t want your cats anyway, I thought to myself.
The next place I went was one of those places where they keep them indefinitely. They also treat the adoption process with slightly more care than you would expect if you were adopting an actual child.
I filled out three pages of forms, submitted a DNA sample, had a credit check, did the FBI background search, and so on. I finally balked when they said they would be visiting my house unannounced.
“Really? This cat is living in a cage with another cat, you guys have to feed and bathe him, and I am asking you if I can have the privilege of paying you so that I might assume those expenses and someday feel very sad when the time comes to take that last trip to the vet…”
“Yes, but you know, some people are very cruel…”
“And I think that we have more than established that I am not one of those people as long as you don’t read my blog.”
“huh?”
“I said, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m not irresponsible”
“Yeah, but what did you say after that part?”
“Nothing.”
“Well, we need to have you agree to home visits before we can go forward.”
“That’s fine if you call first.”
“No, it has to be unannounced.”
“Yeah, so you can catch me in the middle of the afternoon cat beating session? It’s how I relax and I could never expect you to understand.”
“Ha ha…No, I know, it’s just a formality, but the box has to be checked.”
“I understand, but I’m a bit of a vigilante against stuff that doesn’t make sense, so I’m going to put a sort of fine point on it. In order to get into the parking structure at the building I live in, you have to call me. Then, when you get to the front door, you have to call me to have the door opened. Then you have to register with security, guess which floor I am on, and then figure out which door to knock on.”
“I know. Really we never do it anyway. It’s just one of those things that they won’t let go of.”
“Hmm. Well, if it is a complete non-issue, then neither you nor I should have to be bothered with it. Check and see what can be done about that and I’ll call back tomorrow.”
I don’t do wasted effort and I think it might become my life’s work to ensure that no one else does either.
I left a little demoralized. I really didn’t want to have to go through all of that again at the next place. As I was heading to the airport, I passed another animal shelter, so I went in and asked if they had any smashed-face cats. They said that one had just come in a couple of days before. She was black (we needed to diversify the household anyway), and they found her stray, declawed, spayed, and matted so badly that they had to anesthetize her to get her fur all shaved off.
Sounds like the last time I did this. I brought Queasy home bald, ugly, and abandoned too.
I left my info and a few hours later a lady called and told me about this pathetic creature. Over the next week I filled out a bunch more paperwork, went down and let the cat sniff me or whatever they need you to do, and finally (two days after Christmas, but not for lack of trying), I went to pick her up. The fur they had shaved off of her was in a grocery bag. Weird, but cat people usually are. The fur in the bag weighed 6 pounds. She weighed just under 5 pounds after the haircut. It was gross and is now in a landfill somewhere even though I told them I was going to untangle it and make a blanket and maybe some earmuffs depending on how much was left over.
As for naming, we initially assumed that she would do nothing but sleep, so we went with “Bonkers”. However, she has turned out to be partly to mostly bonkers, so the name was a little too on-the-nose. Right now her working title is “Jukebox Tampon Scott”. Don’t ask.
Needless to say, we are taking suggestions.
She has no idea what a well known cat she will be on the ‘net, nor would she care. She’s a cat, and she cares about food, water, sleeping, and this little toy mouse that has become the center of her universe.
Oh, and she cares quite a bit about the space heater. We have one in the living room that she is terrified of, although it has never made any kind of aggressive move toward her. She sat there staring at it to the point that Sara and I were convinced that the house was haunted.
I tossed a twist-tie at her and it hit her tail. She jumped straight up, hissing and making another weird cat noise, and proved that the laws of physics do not apply to cats. By the time she hit the ground, she was turned 180 degrees from her original heading and running as fast as she could. We have polished concrete floors, so the cat did quite a bit of treadmilling before she picked up any speed. When she got to the rug, the rear claws dug in and she was probably doing 40-60 mph by the time she ran out of rug. Then she had to convert all of that forward energy into a turn, handily dumping most of it into the wall outside the bedroom.
Good start. She also has a bit of a love-hate thing going with Sara. By love-hate, I mean mostly hate. Great christmas present, huh?
Sara will pet her and she’ll be cool with it for a minute and then she’ll get all slappy with her paws and run away. The best one was when she was laying on Sara’s chest and decided to box Sara’s ears. She reared up on her honkers and hit Sara on both sides of her head simultaneously with her paws. Like a retard catching a beachball. It was awesome.
So here’s to whatever her name turns out to be.
Holy crap. I am not ashamed to say that I am afraid of your cat. She has that death stare down pat.
My vote for name is “Xenomorph”
My daughter volunteers at a shelter up in Mass. When I visited her last week, she took me on a tour. Pretty sad, except this one cat called Sammie who tried to rip my arm off when I went to pet it. She told me last night someone adopted it, so I am pretty certain the local emergency room will be kept busy the next week or so. Blood donations welcome.
My wife and I know a couple who have a cat and it has 8 paws! 2 paws on each leg. Pretty damn cool, but not as evil as your cat. Anyway, they called it FON (Freak Of Nature) I would think a cat with no nose could be called FON.
Clairebell is right though, it does have that evil look. You could name it Lector.
How about Pug?
She has a pug face – cute but definitely puggly.
I second Lector. Soooo appropriate for that look. As always, thanks for brightening my afternoon with another freakin’ hilarious blog!!!
We took in an a stray cat a few years ago…it was deaf, had frostbitten ears, missing a front paw, very few teeth and had one good eye.
I don’t know why…but I named at Dave.
OMG ~ That cat looks as if it wants to kill me! I would just give her the simple name of “Bitch”…seems fitting to me! Or Missy McPissy.
I hear cats just LOVED to be swaddled, much like infants do! You & Sara try that with Bitch for some bonding time. At least that way she can’t bat her paws at you or try to get away. Show her ass who’s boss.
This is funny reading this today ~ my beloved Boo Boo kitty has been missing & JUST returned home.
Must.go.swaddle.him.now!
XOXO’s!
Congrats!
Hubby wanted to name mine SmellyCat. While she does smell a little bit, her official title is Irys Phoebe Buffay. I believe all cats should have pretentious names. Our male is Captain Ernie Ernest Hemingway the First — of course we add our last name to the line to add irritation to other humans in our tribe.
Ozzy, Princess Consuela Bananahammock, Salami Junior Junior (yep two juniors to help your beautiful feline sound a little hillbilly). Don’t be suprized if you call her Queasy by accident though… I called Irys – Apryl for a while. It’s tough to bond with newbies after 20 years of the same little friend – but it happens.It’s also hard to get used to a kitten personality when you’re used to a geriatric cat… my two freaks are finally starting to settle down.
I know you didn;t ask, but, as far as expensive kitty gear, you may want to check into the litter ro bot (LOVE it – haven’t scooped in about six months! I’m lazy though) and a roomba. Great gear in the fight against poop and hairballs (specially since you have concrete floors). That should set you back about $600 – double what you would have paid at the breeder for just the cat part – so you’d really be ahead if you can follow that logic.
Good luck with your new Troublemaker! I’m sure you’ll find a great name for her.
New name: Murderface Lunchbox Scott
Wilford Brimley. or BEETUS, after ole Wilford’s DIABEETUS commercial.
Murderface. Just pissed myself. Also, I do have a litter robot. Queasy ignored it, but shitforbrains uses it like its her job. Good thing, too. stupid litterbox was $300. I think I wrote a blog about it. Something about crapping in the death star.
Damn straight… Murderface is a name guaranteed to loosen any bowel… thanks for the afternoon upgrade, D…
OMG – your cat stories are freaking hilarious. The one you wrote about bathing or brushing Queasy – I can’t remember – that you wrote a few years back was so very funny.
Commander Zorn
Mrs. Nasty?
That cat has the same look that Micheal Corleone had when he asked Moe Green “You straightened my brother out”? Call her Abbath Doom Occulta (google that) Panzer Murderface Murderface Murderface Murderface Lector Scott.
We took a poll here at work and decided you should name her Lucifur-less and call her Luci for short.
Yesssssssssss!! I vote for Murderface! She definitely looks like she’d shank you with her claws!
Welcome back. Your blog brings much needed hilarity to my work day. I vote for Murderface………Love it!
Dude. Watch Metalocalypse on Adult Swim. William Murderface is the bass player for the animated band, DethKlok. And he looks exactly…like…your…cat.
How about Alister (Crowley)? She does have Satan all over her face.
Shrapnel.
I think you need to resurrect the “thought bubble” you used with Queasy. Where Queasy looked at you and was giving you the finger . . . this cat has the same look.
“She reared up on her honkers and hit Sara on both sides of her head simultaneously with her paws. Like a retard catching a beachball..”
That might be the funniest dual mental image I have had in a long time. (Both Sara and Special Ed catching a beachball)
I think I have a little pee in boxers..
“She sat there staring at it to the point that Sara and I were convinced that the house was haunted.”
When my wife’s cats used to do this it meant “the mouse is hiding there”. You might’ve got yourself a hunter that looks like an Ewok. Congrats!
I can’t think of a name for your cat,unless you want to name her BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
My vote goes to Murderface Lucifer-less
She looks friendly.
Swayt Jeebus, well done. That one got me spitting on my monitor not once, but twice.
Sorry dude, but “Jukebox Tampon” is a fkn winner. “Murderface” though, is disturbingly apt.
That said, I suggest “Half-Eaten Asshole”. Enjoy.
The cat reminds me of the Brain, from Pinky and the Brain. Seriously.
Can’t go wrong with Pasta Batman.
I have no idea what one would name something like that, then again my cats names are MilkFat, Stanley and PukesAlot. Anyhow, I just had to say that last line is THE funniest thing I have read anywhere in a very long time, thanks for that. Good luck with that creature.
I’m thinking you should name her Clairebell. Or Steve.
RIP, “Queasy”
Hello, “Greasy”
Suit Dude
Considering the fact that you’re diversifying up your household: how about “Token”?
Or, perhaps considering the beat down she tried to lay at Sara’s door, “Shaft” or “Tubbs”. Greasy Tubbs? Nah – Greasy Shaft. That’s got to be it!
Any other votes for Greasy Shaft?
(thanks to suit dude for the set up…)
“Fuckroot”
that’s my vote.
phil
jax, fl
…as in “suck the snotty end of my fuckroot”
…which is what your pussy seems to be saying with that expression.
phil
jax, fl
Murderface is good.
But I have a few other suggestions;
Cuntpunt
Fister
Wilma Fingerdo
Snatch Basket
Bob
Grievous Bodily Harm
Sister Mary Angery
Father Dowling
Lori (my first girlfriend who broke my heart and I hope she dies, the bitch!)
Anywho just some choices. Don’t forget people love reading about your pussy!
nice kitty:))
Congrats on the new cat. We took in a stray Persian many years ago and it would just randomly bite people. As with Sara, you could be petting (or trying to) pet her and bam! Out come the claws and teeth.We called her Satina (Say-tina) maybe Satan finally called his kitty home.I think a coyote got her. Shame…
or if she’s all black you could just call her Mojo.
I’m pretty sure that I should never read your postings at work ever again. I tried reading some of your post to my co-workers…I got the blank stare of death. I guess I’m the only one at Ye Olde Baptist Church with a sense of humor.
Oh yes, and I like Murderface…it has a nice homicidal ring to it.
Murderface has my vote!
Another hilarious blog entry, thank you so very much for it!
(although i’m a dog fellow myself)
How about Boxxy?
Oh thank the heavens that you’re back…I really needed a good laugh today, and I was sitting at my desk laughing out loud.
Bonkers looks like a gem…enjoy!
Miss Belvetriss Cara Plana
She looks like a Persephone to me (the Queen of the Underworld who was abducted by Hades).
“Pug”
Looks more like a pekinese dog because of the hairiness of the face but also looks like a pug (hairy).
BlogFodder
She will be anyway…
How ’bout VaJayJay.
Grawlix (those nonsense symbols [!#@%&] used to indicate swearing or cursing in comic strips)
Queasy 2.0
Squeamish McAlpo
Crapotron
Or you could just Wikipedia a random article.
Cooper Brannan, for instance.
York Regional Road 83
Shibram Chakraborty
Richard “Murderface” Sackville, 5th Earl of Dorset
Surprised no one has mentioned it, but she looks a lot like Darth Vader. Yeah, OK, so he’s male and she’s not, but still… Dartha maybe?
Glad you’re posting again. Welcome back.
Hmm…with a face like that one, maybe:
Countess Elizabeth Bathory (Hungarian noblewoman who bathed in the blood of virgins)
=^..^=
I’m not sure what’s uglier…the cat or the thing it’s laying on.
Spastic Rage McAngery?
Darth Murderous?
Or, there’s the oh so subtle Happy Butterfly which is not only contradictory but gives you the added advantage of being able to shorten it to Butt or Happy Butt.
Congrats!
In my late teens I ‘volunteered’ at a humane society for 3-6 mos (dependant upon good behavior) and while I was there I became rather good at determining names for animals. In the case of this cat, she’s fairly screaming her name at you in the picture. Her formal name is Bitchy Cunt. I believe that she would prefer to be called Bitch for short, but it looks as though she may also be amenable to Mother Fucker. I would suggest Bitch, as it’s much more versatile when it comes to terms of endearment such as PMS Bitch, Fucking Bitch, and Bitch Queen when one feels the need to lay the smarm on.
At this point I must confess I’m weighing the advantages of recommending Cunt. On the one hand it may cause a bit of a kerfuffle amongst the feminine population of your next party, on the other hand that would be highly amusing blog fodder. Dusty being handed his ass on a platter vs. personal amusement. Hmm. I’ll have to think about that.
On second thought, I wouldn’t recommend calling her Cunt. All it would take, really, is one ill-thought out vague gesture in the general direction of where your wife and the cat are located and saying “this is Cunt” for you to be separated from from rather vital parts of your anatomy. The potential for the complete loss of the blog outweighs any amusing party confusion.
How about Anton Szandor LaVey? I believe he founded the Church of Satan.
I am a fan of cunt, and the hilarious trips to the vet that will ensue.
“what’s your precious baby’s name, Mr. Scott?”
“Cunt.”
“‘scuse me?”
“CUNT. Her name is cunt. My cat’s name is cunt. Write it down, and be gentle with my little cunt.”
And things like “I gave cunt a bath today. I’m pretty much all scraped up and there is water and blood all over the bathroom”
And
“I had Cunt’s teeth cleaned. It’s expensive, but we didn’t want her to die.”
However, I don’t know if it’s any more practical than if I were to call her “N-word Queasy” as far as it being a usable name in mixed company.
“Ugly” Simple, descriptive, and to the point! Sorry Dusty I have seen it and it is not pretty…
I have to let you know that when I read “like a retard catching a beachball” I fell in love with you all over again. Heavy sigh.
Wow, that’s an ugly ass cat. I’m gonna throw in with Team Murderface on this one. Barring that, may I suggest the name my nephew came up with when discussing names for his future baby sister, Hate. Seriously.
Congratulations on your new family member and many thanks for all the laughs over the last few years. We all love you, Dusty Scott.
As to the cat’s name… I was initially going to suggest “Crabapple McNasty”, but after reading the comments I’m going to have to agree with the consensus on this one. “Murderface” is absolutely perfect. Here’s a thank you ahead of time for the hilarity that will ensue.
Satan wants his cat back. Beelzebub
I don’t know. I have one gnawing at my will to live, and my feet, at this very moment. I ran out of the little creative flow dedicated to naming pets in my brain with “Dr. El Wray Sawbones, MD”.
Though, I have a few other unsavory names I’d like to call him right now.
I had a persian that some people were going to take to the pound in like 1982…it was a 400 dollar cat then..so feeling sorry for the nose-less thing I took it for free..It finally passed away in 2001…I thought it would out live me and my future grand children..anyway i named it “Cat”..original huh?It couldn’t ignore me when I called it…The thing grew up on french fries and cheese…ate both of those things like they were crack-coke…Throw a bag of fries on the end table and “Cat” would drag them off somewhere alone where she would eat,smoke or inhale them..I never found the bags either..My vote is you call it “Cat Scott”
I take that back…after reading the line “like a retard catching a beachball” there is really only one name::
Special EDna
Like the cat. Look has attitude. I suggest “Vertigo”.
I think Sphinx would be a good name. It lost its nose too.
El Diablo.
here is an evil name generator which is quite entertaining to help….
http://www.seventhsanctum.com/generate.php?Genname=evilnamer
Calamity Jane.
or Mousse, for all the hair-related products she’ll require.
or Sunshine, for that face.
monkeymug
Kung Pao
- j
How ’bout “You asshole” for the cat’s name??
Do you realize how many cats you can buy for $300.???
About 300 or so……
Don’t you have enough stress going on??? LOL LOL…or were you evil in another life and this is your punishment?
Remember in junior high science class…they always had a cat hide fur thingy to show how static electricity worked…??? So they ARE good for something.
Perhaps you could treat this one with a little love…?
I’m a sucker for guys who love cats. Ü