I can’t write a title. The best one ever is already taken.
May 19th, 2005 by Dusty
What you are about to read is the most perfect headline ever written in any language since the beginning of time-
Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight
Spectators cheered as entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against African Lion
Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.
Okay SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. I don’t know where the hell Kâmpóng Chhnãng is, but I’m moving there tomorrow. The fact that the concept of a midget fighting league even exists is cool enough, but you throw an African Lion in there, and I get a fucking brain fever; synapses glowing white hot in a vain effort to comprehend the labyrinthine complexities of its magnificence.
Oh god I think I just had an accident.
The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters.
Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will “… take on anything; man, beast, or machine.”
This campaign is believed to be what sparked the undisclosed fan to challenge the entire league to fight a lion; a challenge that Sihamoni readily accepted.
Notice he said “man, beast, or machine.”, but stopped just short of biological agents. That’s good management- not over-promising results of your employees. His flaw, however, was not having started with a more realistic adversary. Maybe 50 midgets could take a Bakersfield chimp or a riding lawnmower. Work your way up and build team confidence, you know?
“Hey guys, huddle up.” *pitter patter* “Tomorrow we’re going to be fighting a Sherman crab flail tank driven by an evil clown, so get lots of sleep. I know it’s going to be a tough one, but angry fan keeps insulting my honor and vicariously, your honor, which is of smaller stature, but no less important…”
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
The CMFL needs corporate sponsorship (I’m thinking Miracle-Gro, but I may be reaching) and maybe little carrying cages for their fighters. From this moment, this is to be my life’s charge. Sure, I’m in the middle of writing a book, but I might as well roll it up and sodomize a dead animal with it now, because when the CMFL looms mightily over the horizon with the promise of fighting ANYTHING YOU WANT THEM TO FIGHT, reading will become (even moreso than today) something that only losers do.
An African Lion (Panthera Leo) was shipped to centrally located Kâmpóng Chhnãng especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum.
The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.
The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones and lost limbs, rendering them unable to fight back.
The lion returned to Africa with the following souvenir apparel-
I killed 28 midgets in 12 minutes, and all I got was this lousy tee shirt. -Kâmpóng Chhnãng Cambodia-
