New Year’s resolutions for those who have none
January 5th, 2008 by Dusty
I commit to a few resolutions each year. I always have one big one. Last year it was change my career to one that is less likely to end in murder/suicide. That one required basically a year of preparation and planning, and it was the most important and personal. For that reason I can’t tell you what your big one should be – only that you should have one. This year my big one is to get an airline job and keep it.
I will also set a few that I can’t miss, just so I don’t feel like a douche for failing at everything. These are things like “Gain 10 pounds”, “Stop eating Feces”, and “Poison a hobo”. You’re on your own with these, too.
What I can offer is my set of universal truths; things that every human on the planet can – nay, SHOULD – do to improve the general quality of their lives
1. Stop trying to fool yourself – I am astounded by the number of people who are well into their adulthood and still think they are going to play pro whateverball or that their crappy paintings are going to make them famous. Having a hobby and being good at something is one thing. Pinning your dreams on it at the detriment of things like your family or something that can realistically benefit you is another thing entirely. On a small scale, stuff like setting your clocks ahead so you won’t be late is a sign that you are developmentally disabled. It is your clock. You set it ahead. What part of that makes you think that you will be fooled by that? Help others out with this one; if you look at the clock at your friend’s house and say, “Well, it’s 3:45…” and they say “No, that clock is ten minutes fast…” berate them accordingly. Better yet, wait for them to leave the room and set their clocks to the right time. Do you know the main benefits of having accurate clocks?
- Not having to do extra math eighteen times a day.
- Knowing what time it is.
- The warm, secure feeling that comes with being a functional human being
2. Throw some crap away - You have a box that contains old CD cases, keys that fit no lock currently in existence, those big square “wall wart” style power supplies that charge a phone you threw away , and maybe some smaller boxes that you haven’t opened since you moved out of your crappy apartment two years ago. Gather it up, throw it away, and start a new box – something about 12×12x18” any time you are cleaning up and moving the same shit to a different location and wondering why you have it, put it in the box. When the box is full, tape it closed and keep it for 90 days. If you have no need to open said box in that time, throw it away. Do not open it and don’t pretend that you’re going to go through it and donate it to charity. Just throw it away. And stop keeping the stupid shit that people give you. Sure, if you got a set of silverware shaped like human reproductive organs for Christmas, it would be rude to open it in front of your aunt and immediately throw it away. That is why you say “thank you” and throw it away when you get home. Or give it to charity. There are dozens of children out there who have to eat mayonnaise off a spoon that is not shaped like a scrotum.
3. Turn off your phone whenever you are doing something that could be made less enjoyable (to you or to others) by a phone call. Unless you are an on call doctor, pilot, or cop, there is no reason that a phone call should interrupt dinner or a conversation with your family. Please stop acting like anything is going to change or anyone’s life is going to be affected if you wait until after dinner to tell your secretary where the extra toner is. You are not that important and no one thinks you are because you always walk into the next room with your stupid phone up to your stupid ear. Enjoy the here and now because it will go away and you will miss it.
4. Dump a friend and replace him with a better one– Everybody has at least one friend who either always has been or has become more of a chore than a joy to have around. The one who borrows shit all the time, gets too drunk every time you go out, or otherwise isn’t doing anything to enhance anyone’s life. Get rid of that person. Don’t focus on how you do it, just do it. I have completely removed all such people from my life to the point that I am actually working on the second tier. There are a few people I have known over the years who are negative, disagreeable, self-absorbed down-draggers. These are people I look at and wonder how anyone could be friends with them. Then I talk to my other friends who still hang out with them and they say the same thing, “Yeah, he’s still constantly trying to outdo everyone and lying about his station in life and it’s just a joke. Last month he got arrested and mike and I had to bail his dumb ass out.”
…and I can’t help but wonder how bright he and Mike are for still willingly hanging out with this person. So maybe they have to go too. The adage “you can tell a lot about a person by the decisions they make” should never be far from your mind.
Once you have lightened your load, find someone worthwhile to fill the space. I’d offer my friendship, but no one likes me, either.
5. Be realistic with the things that you hear before you repeat them – In my lifetime I have witnessed the collective retardification of humanity at the hands of things like Monkey Pox, Bird Flu, the “super Bug” bacteria, near earth meteors, global cooling, SARS, gay marriage, the teaching of evolution, the teaching of creationism, global warming, antidepressants, fluoride, organic foods, peanut allergies, vaccinations, anti-bacterial soap, and so on down the retarded line ad infinitum. Has anyone else come to the conclusion that that the very worst of these is barely worthy of a double take, or am I the only one?
Here’s my secret, and the secret that will set you free-
Logic.
I’ll explain it in case it is confusing: Saying that someone got a flu shot and it caused them to get Alzheimer’s is very a very caveman way to think about things. I saw video of an earthquake in San Francisco that happened during a baseball game. That has to mean that baseball causes earthquakes, right? Do you know anyone who won’t go somewhere because they got in an accident when they went there once? That person is an idiot. If you eat at McDonalds every meal every day for a month it will cause bad things to happen to you. Really, Lieutenant Deducteypants? What if you ate four meals a day at a five star French restaurant? Are you dumb enough to think that would turn out any differently?
Look at all of the bullshit that has caused media panic in the past 20 years and think of how many of them resulted in anything. The answer is none. In fact, the only ones that really caused any harm are the ones that genuinely scare people and they usually ignore. Focus on the stuff and the people who can kill you and enjoy the fact that you live in a society that basically has no problems and therefore has the time and resources needed to devote thousands of man hours to a shocking exposé on the dangers of Neoprene.
If someone begins explaining to you that there is a strain of acne going around that is deadly, ask how many people it has killed. When they answer “Katie Couric said that three people died of it last year”, punch them in the nuts and explain that there are 280 million people in the United States and ask them to express their number as a percentage. The problem with an “epidemic” that claims 2 lives is that it is niether epi, nor demic. The problem with reporting it as an epidemic is that stupid people repeat it. The problem with repeating it is that it tells logical people that you are stupid.
Don’t let anyone get away with the slippery slope argument, either. “If we let the fags get married, next thing you know your son will want to marry an air conditioner and your dog will marry a starfish and everything will go to hell and the human race will be extinct.” Yeah, moron. If we hadn’t allowed women to vote, we wouldn’t have this problem with Sharks and rocking chairs clogging up the polling places, would we? Oh wait. That didn’t happen BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
If they can’t wrap their tiny minds around that, assume that anything can marry anyone and ask them how they will be affected in their personal life if a cloud marries a pizza.
6. Try something uncomfortable and scary – You will be a better person and more respected by yourself, your friends, and your family if you find something you are afraid of and walk toward it. If you are afraid of snakes and you know that is an unfounded fear (unless the snake can kill you), go to a pet shop and hold a snake. I know it sounds minor, but take whatever is your biggest thing, and fix it. If you sleep late and miss appointments, get your dumb ass out of bed earlier by doing whatever it takes. If you are afraid to fly, book a flight the next time you go somewhere and force yourself onto it. Keep doing it until it is no longer a source of stress.
The comfort zone is a dangerous place. As soon as you have convinced yourself that this is all you are capable of, you have gone as far as you will go. Whatever it is that you have to work around, don’t let it win. Then after you are comfortable flying with a pocket full of snakes, go to the next thing and keep on going.
I just overheard something on the radio about the black caucus. Is that really bigger than the average white caucus, or is that just a myth?
Dusty’s suggestions sound a helluva lot better then the “I’m not going to say the Ass word in front of my kid anymore so her first words are ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ and not Ass”. I should seriously rethink and add on to my resolutions.
I wish so badly that some people would take 4 minutes of their time to read this.
Instead, they’re listening to crappy club rap music, not making new year’s resolutions and not laughing.
Personally, I just laughed until I teared up. I succumbed to the hilarity as soon as the dog married the starfish.
–Bekah
P.S. Whenever I read back over your blogs, I feel as though my tongue gets a bit sharper every time. Yeah, you’re a bit of a teacher/celeb… Get used to it.
Let me just say, the whole of post numero 5 on that list… If you and your friends can grasp that concept, then that’s a good long step towards making America more liked by the rest of the world.
Not that there’s anything wrong with-
Wait, yes. Yes there is a lot of wrong stuff with America, but you know what, that’s not the problem.
The current issue, and one that’s plagued you for several years now, is poor management.
What’s worse is, I know only half the country supported that management, which quite frankly scares the bejeesus out of me, because that means that here’s a superpower with nukes and the whole nine yards, and HALF of the citizens of this great coutry have absolutely no faith in their leader. Half.
Anyway, I’m rambling, so I’ll try and get back on track here:
If, like Bekah says, people would take 4 minutes out of their day and come read this post, tomorrow might just be a better place to live.
I’ve got a big problem with the way media are handling things, and pretty much keeping a stranglehold on society by creating an artificial an abnormal fear for anything out of the ordinary.
Who knows, crazy cat lady down the street (everybody has one) might just be a terrorist. Then there’s the whole invasion of privacy things, which allegedly is meant to protect all of us. Are we really willing to give up that much of our privacy for a false sense of security? If so, maybe we don’t really deserve that privacy in the first place.
Hm. Looking back on that, I think I started rambling again. Maybe I should put away the bottle of Whisky now and go to sleep.
Dusty for President.
Kim, Norway
Hey Dusty,
I’ve been an avid reader of yours for years and you never fail to make me burst into uncontrollable laughter. It’s a bad idea to read your stuff in the library and yes I learned it the hard way. Anyway…
More people should read this!
-Jen
I liked your post, but I feel I have to take issue with some of it… namely section 5, or at least the science aspects of it.
You advise people to be realistic about risks. Excellent advice, and I wholeheartedly agree. Unfortunately, with some risks that would involve at the very least an undergrad degree, or perhaps years of experience in the industry.
For example, you mention the vaccine/Alzheimer’s scares. Millions of people get vaccinations every year, and live happily ever after. How can you make a realistic risk assessment without knowing about contraindications with your current medication? Genetic susceptibility? Future vaccinations? What if you have the vaccine, and you’re absolutely fine, but it starts a process that takes years or decades to have an effect? You can’t know this, unless you take it on trust from someone who should know better - and that’s not the same as making your own assessment.
Or, global cooling. You want to make your own assessment? Great, you’ll need a network of climate monitoring stations, both land and sea. Ooh, some satellites, too. Couple of hundred underpaid postgraduates to develop and refine the models, and crunch the data. Oh, and about 50 years, to observe the trends and account for fluctuations. Or you can talk to someone who’s done all that work for you.
My point is that you should be critical of your sources. Very, very little science makes it through the mass media undistorted largely because there are few concrete ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers. On the other hand, it’s impractical to do this research yourself. The middle ground - reading papers and talking to researchers - is only for the dedicated, bored or lonely.
So, when you urge us to be realistic, aren’t you really urging us to consider our sources? Then, it looks like your target becomes the media itself.
Also, in re:3. I’m at a dinner party with friends. It’s great fun. Meanwhile, my grandmother has a nasty fall. I’m the closest relative, and I don’t find out about until I turn my phone on, several hours later. Still, at least I didn’t spoil the party.
But what do I do if I’ve already dumped ALL of my friends?
Fantastic. #6 especially.
@nitpickers:
Geez. I’m sorry Dusty didn’t give us instructions for every case that might pop up in live. Obviously there are exceptions to everything. Knowing grandma’s frail and you are closest to her, you can politely end a conversation and pick up the phone.
What’re we, a bunch of robots?
Happy New Year Dusty.
As usual you rule over everything I’ve read. Avoided all news etc over the holidays. Just got back into the saddle and you are always my first port of call. I’ve just checked all the news stuff on the net and wise choice it was too. Lets have some fun this year. Good luck with the airline thing too. Keep up the writing for us your avid readers as well. Cheers from Oz.
Oh and by the way Urg, I bet you are the one who gets dumped every year!! You tool!!!!
Ooooo…pretty boy also has a brain.
Yum.
Dusty,
All the best to you and yours for 2008! Great to see you back online kicking some blog ass!
Cheers from Singapore!
Happy New Year, Dusty. Hope your new gig goes well for you and the bad times leave you be….
Jill,
At least that’s what they’re calling it now. They used to call it intelligence, but we all knew he was smart. Erm, I mean a smartASS!! Aint that right, Dusty?
I think we should vote him Smartass of the Year for 2007, and then for US President later this year. He could do a lot better than some that I’ve seen up there.
TL…
A great way to start the New Year, Dusty!
Laugh, use logic, believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you actually see, then laugh some more about that. Drives people crazy.
gl
You’re a genius, Dusty.
Wow, I managed to do #4 before Christmas break! Of course my former friend would see it differently but I don’t care as long as she stays the hell away from me.
There, I feel better already.
you nailed it on the head. Mom and Pa will be proud !!!
so when’s the wedding Dusty? have you asked the skirt yet?
The only thing that baffles me more than your utter brilliance is the fact that you seem to be perpetually unaware of it.
Because of this, it’s tough wanting to hug you and punch you in the scrote at the same time… but somehow I manage.
You somehow rock, you fuckhat.
Smooches.
-Judd
“Try something uncomfortable and scary”
I did, but I ended up on the floor of the bathroom crying and trying to wipe the shame off myself.
And…what Pete and Judd said.
I see time has not deteriorated your wit or wisdom. Wishing you all the joy, great friends,and laughter you can handle. Oh yes, and of course world peace..
I’ll take the last one, “try something uncomfortable and scary”. Honestly, I’m old enough to try some stuff, right?
(Not like flying with a pocket full of snakes, but idea still the same good idea.)
Urg. I’m really honestly not trying to be a dick here. I appreciate you taking the time to read and post a thoughtful comment, so take this in the spirit in which it is intended:
Yes, there will always be the .0001% chance that foulness will befall you and you will wish that you had your phone on at dinner, but if you approach everything with that mindset you are crippling yourself by having it ring on the 99.0001% chance that the call is about buying encyclopedias.
As far as considering the source, the same rule applies (and you were dead on as far as media sensationalism being the cause). If you want to live your life building bridges over the street before you cross because last year 21 people were run over by buses, no one is going to stop you, but you are going to spend a lot of your life building walkways. At the end of it all, you’ll be able to say you didn’t get killed by a bus. We’re all going to go one way or another.
You are all up in your own head because you are a bright person. Your new year’s resolution should be to get out of there a little and take a few things at face value.
-d