Here are some things you can say if anyone asks if you saw the Transformers movie:
“No. I got laid once when I was a kid and that’s about when I put away all of my GI Joes and stuff. Just haven’t really kept up with it since.”
“I was going to, but then I remembered I’m not twelve.”
“I was going to, but then I remembered I’m not retarded.”
“It can’t possibly be as good as the book.”
“Go fuck yourself.”
If you can’t remember any of those, a flying elbow to the face will work too.
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The Skirt is out of town this weekend, so you know what that means – sleeping diagonally. It’s amazing what one can grow to look forward to.
Dude, I was geared up to do some serious sleeping last night. Now that my brain is back in a state of semi-functionality I have been sleeping almost all night. Last night I went over to a cookout with some friends, drank a couple of beers, came home and practically vaulted into the sack to begin snoring my ass off for as long as I wanted.
At about 3:30 am, I woke up to voices. As my head unfogged I thought it was the neighbor having a party with vampires or meth addicts or whatever other sub-species stays up that late. As the fog cleared further I realized it was my neighbor going absolutely apetaint about something. I lay there thinking “Really? Is now really the best time to melt down? Things seem to make so much more sense during the day when everyone is awake. She should really sleep on this and address it after I wake up.”
Whatever it was, it wasn’t getting any better. She was on the phone with someone, yelling louder and faster until shit started breaking. Things were getting thrown at walls and tipped over in a very trailer park fashion. I checked one more time and confirmed that I was not in a trailer park. I would have been very angry and a little confused if I had been.
I could clearly hear a lot of details about this girl that would normally be none of my business. It seems that her boyfriend had intimate relations with another young lady whose name was either Skankasstrick, Dirtyho, or some combination of the two. She went on to explain the things (and people) she had done and wanted to do to exact her revenge for this injustice, and I came to understand two things about her: 1. She is a horribly vindictive person who makes poor life choices (shocker) and 2. She probably doesn’t spend a lot of her spare time on intellectual pursuits – you know, reading the classics, studying grammar, solving for X, and so on. But then she said she wouldn’t do any more of those retaliatory things because she had kids and she had to set an example. I said a short prayer for those doomed children, wherever they were.
Soon I heard what sounded like an entire dresser hitting the floor and I had officially had enough. I pondered knocking on the door to ask her to kindly calm down and shut her fat gob, but seeing as how she is clearly insane and there is onsite security, I called Officer Bartlett to see if he could come shoot her or something. He came up and talked to her and she was quiet just long enough for me to get into this kickass dream where I was flying a stunt plane. At 5 am she yanked me out of my bliss in the middle of an eight point outside loop. All hope of my good night’s sleep had vanished.
In spite of what you might think about me based on reading this blog, I am a thoughtful person who makes an effort to give people the benefit of the doubt whenever I remember to. As I watched the horizon begin to glow with the promise of a new day and listened to this nutjob continue her marathon freakout, the benefit/doubt part of my brain had not yet initialized. I did silently commend her on being able to stay that dramatic for that long, though. That had to be exhausting.
Here’s the thing about throwing tantrums – It’s something that children do until they mature enough to know better. If you are a grown adult living in your own place, you should be able to take any news, no matter how good or bad, without breaking anything. The only exception to this would be the news that they are giving a trillion dollars to everyone who destroys all of their property. Aside from that, no exceptions. The same goes for people who yell. Yelling is something that stupid people do when they are mad because their little brains get so wrapped up in emotions that they can’t form a cogent argument.
If the first trait of acute stupidity is lack of control, the second has to be inconsideration. If you are the kind of person who has such complete disregard for those around you that you think it is okay to stop in the middle of the road and block traffic to talk to a friend, scream into your cell phone in restaurants, or go to escape velocity about your worthless boyfriend cheating on you at 4 in the goddamn morning, you really don’t deserve a place in society. So if you could do the rest of us a favor and spray your brains across the nearest wall, that’d be spectacular.
So now it is 8:15 on a Saturday morning and it sounds like she finally wore herself out and fell asleep. I think I’ll go hang a few pictures in the bedroom. Sometimes when I haven’t had enough sleep I forget to use a nail and I just end up hammering the wall for hours on end. I hope that doesn’t happen.
I feel for you Dusty. Last night my wife closed my foot in the gears of my reclining couch and when I showed that it actually hurt, I became the asshole.
Needless to say I slept on said couch, my foot is ok and I got a great nights sleep. However, I woke up wondering if the chef in my dream used human sabretooth in the recipe. Is that normal?
You’re so tired you misspelled “neither”. It’s ok. You’re allowed an occasional mistake. Go ahead big guy, rip me a new one for noticing.
holy crap. you’re right. Right there in the title, too. I must be losing it.
What an idiot. Go crap on her porch. Just go and take a huge dump right on it. It’ll make you feel better.
Just push two of the biggest speakers you own against your bedroom wall and turn on your favorite radio station. Or, just put on a news and/or talk station. She’ll lose sleep and get some learnin’ at the same time.
Warcrygirl has it right,excpet she forgot to mention (a) definitely go for the all talk, all sports, all the time station, and (c) crank it up just before you leave for a few hours of shopping, pub crawling or poker, whatever your thing. Especially after she’s been up all night, whether venting or partying, the efect is the same.
Out here in the hood, such subtleties go unnoticed, so I often am forced to resort to wild barrages of gunfire into the air at odd hours.
And yeah, I made some typos, but here in the South that’s perfeckly akkseptibul.
I’d by a hypocrite if I said I hadn’t done something like that before, but I’m still in my hormone-crazy early 20’s, and I’m a bitch to boot. I’m sorry you didn’t get enough sleep.
Hell, I found out my husband had a fiancée and wedding planned and I didn’t break anything… I’d like to break something in half, but it’s attached to him so it’d be hard to do.
Funny, I get the “forgetting the nails” thing too when I’ve been kept awake by neighbors all night. It must be a sign of intelligence.
Give her hell, Dusty!
…apetaint… great
Perhaps she just needs a gentle message from one of her caring neighbors to set her on the right course. I’m thinking of a sack on her doorstep, filled with a GED coursebook, a ball-gag, and a straitjacket.
a Yanni album on a loop, full blast - then leave the homestead.
Polly,
One word: Bobbetize
That is why god created YouTube. Yeah, you can’t really “see” what is happening, but the sounds coming through a brick wall should be funny enough.
Record a few rants, post them on the Tube, sooner or later she will realize that she is making a complete ass of herself.
The first thing that sprang to mind when reading this was a cute joke told to me by my twelve year old nephew:
Q - What do you get when you cross a seventh-day adventist with a Hell’s Angel?
A - Someone who knocks on your door at nine on a Sunday morning and tells you to get fucked.
He’s still going through that “swearing is fun” stage and as a responsible uncle I should have bitchslapped him for saying it but instead I gave him Kudos for choosing breakfast with his grandparents as a suitable place to tell it.
It still gave me an idea though. You need to grab yourself a pressed white shirt, some black pants with some bicycle clips on them and get your hair styled by Dorks-R-Us.
Then knock on her door the moment you’re sure she’s fallen asleep. Even better if it’s one in the morning.
Ask her if she’s accepted the Lord into her heart, and make sure she notices you’re carrying several copies of “Anal Sluts Go Nuts Volume 17″ along with a bible and an inflatable pig.
Good luck,
Suit Dude
Tell the people that fined you it was her trash.
Bahaha.
Put on some insanely obnoxious music, and leave the house. If you have a remote-controlled radio/stereo/thing, its even better.
Also, thats why I live in a house. Someone goes apeshit near me, and I hear it, we’re getting out the baseball bat and waiting for them to come into my front yard.
Great story, but do I sense a little bit of vindictiveness in you?
Dusty- I feel your pain brother and hope you get to nail a plethora of picturs against her wall. Sometimes it just helps to check for ’studs’ all night.
Day 2, MBA class trip to Vienna, I feel like I should be on a transplant list already.
sam
Hopefully she just has one (ex?) cheating boyfriend and doesn’t plan on getting another one soon. I’d hate to see her carrying on like that in the wee hours becoming a habit…
And yeah, where *were* her kids??
Starting my KLM650 with the muffler off, at 7am, always gives me satisfaction when dealing with the late night squealing trannie prostitutes that live across the alley in back.
Laying Awake Wondering Where to Dispose of the Body Parts,
Phil
I’d just like to say I nearly searched for “apetaint” in the dictionary.
My crabby-ass neighbor complained once at noon on a Saturday because I was hanging a shelf in my garage. She didn’t like “all that damn pounding”. She didn’t like it either after I went to my dad’s house, made a tape recording of his chainsaw and played it on my stereo at top volume the next morning at 6:00 a.m. over and over (with the speakers aimed at her window, of course). The cops thought it was pretty funny, though. Neigbors suck!
What IS it with you guys and sleeping diagonally? At least you have the courtesy to wait until the Skirt is out of town.
If you lived in the ‘burbs, you could fire up the power mower, the gas edger, maybe even the chainsaw. I guess you’ll have to settle for hammering, you poor city-dweller, you.
Other than that, all I can say is your new place sounds like it’ll be a source of material for some time to come. Yay for us, sorry for you. Hang in there, Dusty.
I loved Suitdude’s idea!! PERFECT! And you, Dusty, are just the person to be able to pull that one off.
You know, you could loop a tape recording of your fart noisemaker thingy, aim the speakers through the wall and then knock on her door after about 30 minutes and ask for some over-the-counter anti-diarrheal medication. Tell her you’re afraid you may not make it all the way to the store. And, could you please borrow some tissue?? Then tell her that your IBS kicks in when you lose sleep and, in a gossipy-tone, ask her if she heard your insane neighbor screaming like a banshee during the night! Ask her if the neighbor is prone to that behavior on a regular basis. Don’t let on that you know it’s her.
On second thought, Great White Snark’s idea rocks, too!
Find out what her ex’s name is, and then rent a porno where some girl will be screaming that name over & over. Play that DVD before you go out, and crank it up, fucker! That ought to fix her wagon.
I had a similar problem with my neighbor. Their dog wouldn’t shut up for hours and hours on end. I called the dog officer a few times and after a few complaints they actually went and took the dog… I can call and see if they have room in the van for her?
Great work as always.
Hey, when are you going to marry the Skirt?
I (Amanda) want another picture of the cat in a shoebox. Maybe put her in a kitchen drawer or something.
Your fans,
Amanda & Aaron
Oh you know it will happen again. I’m sure your neighbor likes the “badboy/outlaw” types. The hilarious thing is that she will become this distraught every time said boyfriend sleeps with her best friend/sister/house cat. It’ll be like a new experience every time for her! It’s wonderful to hear that she is adding to the population, I was afraid the government wouldn’t know how to redistribute my next 20 years of tax dollars.
Just be cool Dusty. I always worry that you’ll do something to get yourself put on TV. Just think of your co-workers testifying to the field reporters. “Oh he was a strange one, very quiet but he farted quite a bit, once right on the microwave in front of everyone.”
Good work guy!