Yes, I’m sorry. The Skirt and I are in the midst of buying a house, and things are nuts. Really expensive nuts that are covered in hardi-plank and hardwood. I haven’t done this in three years, and I forgot about the part where once you are under contract and the loan is secure and you think it’s just a matter of signing your name 400,000 times, you have to give $300-$500 to everybody you see in regards to the house for the next month. West Nile survey, dust mite inspection, UFO insurance, neo-maxi livable space oxygen content estimates, sweet baby Jesus in a safety deposit box this feels like a racket.

We found a totally sweet house right down the skreet from the tiny condo we presently share, and we are all revved up to spend weekends at Home Depot (that’s my word for Linen’s n’ Things, apparently) and do other housey stuff. You are all invited to the housewarming party. You’ll have to come in one car, though, as there is nowhere to park. Bring a covered dish with some food on it.

I decided to rent my condo to the highest bidder, and I’ll just say that it worked out much better than trying to sell it. Sure, some people had problemos grandes with the “absolutely no Mexicans” clause in the lease agreement, but it rented within 48 hours of my posting the ad. Now I’m practicing saying things like “I better have the rent by Friday or your goose is cooked, see?” and “You’d better get to cleaning the place, sonnyboy. The joint is lousy with body hair. Lousy, I tell ya’!” I mostly want my tenant to think I am a vaudevillian actor from the 40’s.

I’m going to be the best slumlord EVER.

A word on being woefully non-punctual…

A month ago, a guy from a popular (and might I add, quite humorous) blog called TheCDP.net was granted the rare interview by yours truly. Interviews with me are rare only because no one ever asks, not because I am picky (just so we’re clear on that). I told him that I would link to the interview from my blog and promised to respond promptly.

Put that up there with “Yes, mister mortgage lender guy, I make 3 pajillion dollars a year, but I can’t show bank statements on accounta’ I keep it all in a magic coffee can under my mattress. I wish you’d shut up and pay for my house.” on the list of lies I have told lately.

Now that I have gotten around to finally writing again, I shall post said link to the interview.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO COMMUNIST DANCE PARTY AND READ THE INTERVIEW, DAMMIT

…I will also share with you the real answers I wrote before he went and changed them to make me sound like I knew big words and could string a thought together. Damn him and his good nature.

CDP: First off, how’s Queasy doing?
ST: Just waiting to die, I guess. That’s a cat’s job.

CDP: I consider you to be the master of the simile. How much thought and time goes into a well-crafted simile? Do you come up with one or two during the day and try to work them into a post, or do they just come to you as you’re writing?

ST: Simile? You mean those happy faces retarded people put at the end of emails? I hate those things, and I hate you for thinking I am the master of them.

CDP: On Inside the Actors Studio, Jamie Foxx defined a ‘playa’ as someone that’s “Moving culture. Anyone that does and says things that other people are interested in listening to .” By that definition, you are definitely a ‘playa.’ Do you consider this accurate and/or frightening in any way?

ST: Is he the guy who says “WHAZZUUUUUUUUP?” That guy is great. “Do you understand the words that are comin’ outta my mouth?” “I’M RICK JAMES, BITCH!” hahaha. If only more black people were funny…maybe then there wouldn’t be problems with rape and welfare.

CDP: About how many hits/e-mails does Salami Tsunami/Pork Tornado get every month? How many did you get before the Album Covers post? Any interesting e-mail stories you’d like to share?
ST: 14, 9, and no.

CDP: In 10 words or less, tell us about the last time you accidentally hurt yourself.

ST: Yesterday I was taking a leak at work, and my boss walked into my cubicle…dammit.

CDP: Tell me about how the Atlanta Illustrated gig came up. Why did you quit, and do you see yourself writing freelance again?

ST: Atlanta Illustrated is just another in a long line of career blunders. I quit because they told me to and stopped paying me. And because Nathan is a dick.

CDP: What do you do for fun when you’re not Blogging?
ST: Wet my bed, start fires, and torture animals.

CDP: Have you ever thought about becoming a published author? How would you feel about your essays being put into book form? Have you received any offers?

ST:I want to publish a book and make a big deal about it and then have it be just pictures of snack foods doing horribly perverted things to young children. I’ll call it “Hanker for a hunk of ass” as a tribute to Schoolhouse Rock.

CDP: What’s your favorite band/song/movie/TV show/beer?
ST: Partridge family, mmm-bop, Schindler’s Fist, and I stopped drinking five minutes ago because it makes me think I’m funny.

CDP: In my Blogging experience, I find that some of my funniest pieces get overlooked and underappreciated for some reason. What is, in your opinion, the funniest essay you’ve ever written? Did it get the attention you felt it deserved?

ST: Here’s the problem: no one is really funny. People perceive things that they identify with as humorous because most people are stupid. The funny is actually contained within tiny spheres called “humorrhoids” that release their contents when they contact any charged surface. Shit. I had something there, but I couldn’t type fast enough and it got away.

CDP: You possess all of the essential elements of a great Blogger. Not only a heightened sense of awareness to all of the problems and foolishness around you, but enough humor, logic and honesty to see through it all; crafting it into something hilarious and interesting. Does this coincide with an overall ‘message’ you’re trying to get across with Pork Tornado? Or is it simply a place to tell funny stories?

ST: You left out Molonium, Thetarazine, and the entire heavy gases group that actually make up 85% of the free-range blogger.

CDP: Name a couple of Bloggers that you look up to in terms of humor and writing style.

ST: You, Jesus, and this one midwestern housewife I can’t remember the URL of. She could fill pages with words about absolutely nothing. She wrote one entry about how she thought her neighbor was jealous of her thanksgiving centerpiece. That actually sounds like a potentially funny story, but she managed to make it all about where she bought the fake pumpkin and how the dried flowers were on sale and holy fuck did it ever make you want to weep.

CDP: Do you have any advice to give to aspiring Bloggers out there?

ST: I’ll give them the same advice I give my friends before they get married. “Dude. You are totally throwing your life away. Did you decide that 28 years was as much of your life as you want to enjoy? I mean, come ON. She’s a hosebag and she’s fricking crazy, man. Last week I saw her start crying because she saw a picture on a cigarette machine that reminded her of her grandpa. Is that really what you want to wake up with EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE? Grab your waders - there are mayflies hatching on a river somewhere and you need to think about this. No, really, it’s nothing personal. I just don’t want to see another guy walking around with his soul all broken and shit.”

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