Assquatch

April 23rd, 2007 by

For those who don’t know or don’t feel like reading this, I have a little device that I keep at my desk at work that, when squeezed correctly, will emit a fart noise that is indistinguishable from the actual floating of an air biscuit. I sit quietly at my desk with my earphones in, cranking some Porcupine Tree or maybe laughing at Phil Hendrie clips, and occasionally I will employ said device to make those around me think I farted.

Wait, hear me out.

Every workplace has an oddity. Most people do not consciously make a choice to become this oddity, so they miss out on most of the fun.

When I arrived fresh faced and eager at my new job and found my fart-maker in my computer bag, I decided to take a stab at being the office mythical creature. Gasquatch, if you will. Or perhaps Bigfart? Shetti? I don’t think it has gained the momentum of a full-fledged legend, but I don’t want it to seem contrived, so I am being careful to do it gradually. I have blasted a few manufactured farts out at my desk and semi-owned up to them with silent apologies and shamed looks on my face, but the latest one left the confines of the marketing department – and me in a heap.

I went into the break room around lunch while people were milling about, heating their leftovers, and so on. I went in to fill up my water bottle, because it takes about a minute with our agonizingly slow water cooler, and I would need at least that much time to get my shit together so I wouldn’t laugh when I did it. I also wore my headphones (attached to nothing, so I could hear what was being said), and tucked the hand farter into the pocket of my jacket.

As I filled the bottle up, I squeezed one off that was a bit louder than I wanted it to be. No one made a sound for about a two-count. All I could hear was the sound of the microwave – Tupperware container sliding against the food-splattered glass door as the carousel slowly spun…and finally people started trying to act like nothing happened. Because it would be rude to say anything. As if farting in the break room was not at all rude.

In any case, what I didn’t expect was something I would come to know as the “assebo effect.” After my imitation flatulence I saw in the reflection of the water cooler not one, but two people gesturing and wrinkling their noses as if they smelled something foul. My bottle was now full and I had to make a move, but I was about to drop mud in an effort to stifle my laughter.
I took a deep breath and moved toward the door without turning my now tear-stained face toward my co-workers. I’m sure what they smelled was the microwaved owl shit casserole somebody has for lunch every day, but it worked for me.
I heard their giggles and whispers fade behind me as I headed back to my cube, but no one said anything to me.

This brings me to another issue entirely. People need to become more proactive in social situations and stop worrying so much about hurting someone’s feelings. I have heard dozens of stories just this week that went something like “and at dinner, Mark’s friend Joe just started cussing out the waiter, and we were so embarrassed…” and, “We were at a business lunch with a supplier and Amy ordered two appetizers, the lobster tail entree, and dessert just because someone else was picking up the bill. I can’t believe how inconsiderate she is.” And, “…this guy in I.T. smells so bad (it’s always I.T. and you know it). The boss has talked to him several times, but he won’t take a fricking bath. It’s driving us nuts.”

Listen up, you bunch of whiny limpdicks, if someone is being an asshole, call them an asshole. Do it in front of everyone if nothing else is working. Just because society’s present climate dictates that we avoid hurting anyone’s feelings and prohibits anyone winning anything doesn’t mean that life is actually that way.

If I was at the table with Mark’s friend Joe, I would have loudly apologized to the server for his unbridled douchebaggery and told Mark to act like an adult or go wait in the car until the grown-ups are finished, and I would have made it as embarrassing as possible for him. In the case of the business lunch, the supplier isn’t going to risk losing a client over a $90 meal, so it’s up to you. Stop that shit right there and remind Amy that this isn’t the great depression and there are grocery stores everywhere if she’s that hungry. Give the IT guy a bar of soap and tell him to come back when he smells like a human. His boss has done all he can legally do, so now you have to make it stop. All of these people will thank you someday, if only in their thoughts.

Risk being called rude if that’s what it takes. If you are walking around all embarrassed about these situations, talking about them in hushed tones so the offender doesn’t get offended, YOU should be embarrassed. You should be embarrassed that you don’t have the intestines to bring shame where shame is needed. Instead you choose to let some jackwipe ruin a waiter’s weekend or blow your supplier’s expense account for a whole month because one of YOUR colleagues is a social retard. The reason people act like morons is because they keep getting away with it.

I am hereby starting a renaissance of humility. It is my hope that everyone within the sound of my typing will make a point to call someone out when they deserve it. The shame keeps it from happening again. Stop the cycle here, friend.

Now that I ponder it, I guess farting in the lunchroom and fully knowing that no one would say a damn word was dependent on this exact social ill, so I’m not sure whether to hate myself or cite it as an example.

27 Responses to “Assquatch”

  1. on 23 Apr 2007 at 7:03 am Luggz

    First? YEAH!!! That was awesome and I totally agree with you. if someone is being an ass..call them out on it..all…day…long.

  2. on 23 Apr 2007 at 7:16 am Phil

    Making waitstaff feel like crap is such a candy-ass pussy way of making yourself feel important.

    My father-in-law’s (ex-)wife use to mouth-shit on the waitstaff, and I tried to get her to chill out one night at dinner. But it all went in one ear and out the other as she slumped in her chair, blood-red eyes and drooling food from all the wine and pills.

    Gosh, I can’t tell you how pleasant our life has been without that bag of meat sucking the life from my dad-in-law’s soul…

  3. on 23 Apr 2007 at 8:51 am Damian

    Thank god there are people in this world who think like me…

  4. on 23 Apr 2007 at 9:08 am Jimmy C

    KEY POINT: “The reason people act like morons is because they keep getting away with it.”

    We are indeed too polite. I think it all comes back to fear of retaliation. We don’t want to be THE ONE that is remembered by the nut causing the problem. That all started on the playground. You tell on the school bully, and you can expect to get thrashed on the bus. The issue is that there’s always some crazy willing to go to the nth degree with their lunacy — just to save face.

    So you contact HR about the guy who takes a dump on your shoes in the elevator… what are the chances you get mailed a dump-in-a-box, or find a dump on the hood of your car? 50/50.

    This goes back to the key point — these genetic miscreants have probably gotten away with it for so long, who are YOU to tell them otherwise.

    Now if more people stepped up to the plate and called them on it…maybe, just maybe we could begin shaming some of them into remission.

    And as for political correctness (another culprit to us being too polite), I was never a fan of politics, nor do I have any aspirations for a political career… yet woe be to the person who strays from being PC!

    Great job as usual!

  5. on 23 Apr 2007 at 9:11 am Nightmare

    That is why I’m the office asshole I call’em like I see them.

  6. on 23 Apr 2007 at 9:38 am Dave

    I just don’t agree with you on this. I most assuredly am not responsible, socially or otherwise, for any assholes I work with, and the potential downside in being Joe Crusader far outweighs any personal benefit. As for the “corporate good”, good one. The company I work for will lay me off in 2 seconds if they think it will increase profits by .000001%. Cynical? Hell yes. 30 years in Dilbert’s world will do that.

  7. on 23 Apr 2007 at 12:10 pm Chris

    Hey Jimmy C, this article did not say you should tattle to mommy like the spineless stool pigeon you are. Simply have the guts to look the offender in the eye and say “Please sir, would you mind not farting in the breakroom?”

  8. on 23 Apr 2007 at 12:13 pm Matt

    That no one called you out *in the lunchroom* would be reason enough to pen an entry three times as long. And anyone who wouldn’t call that out while eating lunch deserves to eat their fart quiche.

    My wife bitch-slaps her mother when she inevitably makes life difficult (the way a two-year-old with a gut full of gin might) for the wait staff. I’m all for calling out family and friends.

    And I use my car horn every single time someone brain-gaps it behind the wheel of a deadly projectile (and sometimes when I see it coming but before they make the painfully slow and seemingly difficult transition from bad idea to bad action).

    But I also agree with Dave that telling inconsiderate or brain-dead chumps to change is so much wasted energy. Serenity now, motherfucker.

  9. on 23 Apr 2007 at 1:22 pm Rene W

    I take it nobody from your office knows you write this blog?

  10. on 23 Apr 2007 at 1:32 pm UpNort

    Dusty, I have to hand it to you for keeping it together after doing that. I would’ve been doubled over with laughter. And had I been one of the victims of your hilarious joke, I would’ve laughed just the same, but would’ve tried not to let you see/hear it.

    Farts are funny!

  11. on 23 Apr 2007 at 1:35 pm Doomgas

    People can’t tell the difference in smell between their lunch and a fart? I’m very happy you found this job…I am sure it will produce more great reading.

  12. on 23 Apr 2007 at 3:19 pm Becca

    Bravo… You did it again, Dusty.
    You made me look like a crazy women in the middle of my office. How you ask? Because I work in a silent & calm workplace and out of nowhere I started laughing so hard my coworkers thought I was losing my mind. Ever since I started to read your diary, you’ve had that affect on me.
    I think the one that made me laugh the most was you, your finger & the chair (That one entry where he crushes his finger). That shit was HILARIOUS!! You should do it again, hehe.

    I think you should try and write like every weekday and then take the weekends off, that would be awesome. That whole time between March & April (like 2 weeks) you didn’t write, really sucked my Fishes butthole.

    Well, hope to see your writing soon!

    Hasta Luego!

  13. on 23 Apr 2007 at 3:22 pm BluStaCon

    If the society we live in had a name, it would be called: Wack-a-mole.
    Woe to the brave mole who dares stick his little head from the safety of his underground lair. Only pain awaits thee.

  14. on 23 Apr 2007 at 3:37 pm Anisettekiss

    My impulse to be a smart-ass right now is stifled by the fact that you convicted me.
    Thanks for that.

    I owe it to some of the people around me to let them know just how out of control they can be. I’d like to think they barely know what they do… ahh, my un-dying faith in Man rears its ugly head.

    xoxo From Me and Pete in Kansas

  15. on 23 Apr 2007 at 7:13 pm Tiger Lamb Girl

    That you held your shit together long enough to exit the room is awesome. Died laughing while reading this.

  16. on 23 Apr 2007 at 10:10 pm mikeymike

    ‘owl shit casserole’… that is classic!

    another great entry, dust…

  17. on 24 Apr 2007 at 7:11 am nogooddaddy

    I’m not sure how I could possibly have bathed the smelly man next to me on the plane yesterday. Handing him soap, bleach, febreeze, gasoline (all things that would have smelled better) would not have saved me from an hour and a half of undeniable funk.

    But, this all in mind, perhaps I should put a little spray of some sort in my “3-1-1” bag so I can hose down the inevitably smelly airplane mate.

  18. on 24 Apr 2007 at 9:53 am theCDP.

    I like how everyone you work with will start referring to you as the ‘Farty’ guy behind your back, and you couldn’t care less because you find it funny.

    That’s what I call ‘commitment to a bit.’ Good job!

  19. on 24 Apr 2007 at 11:18 am YaHear

    Fuck’n right. I love it. If I find myself in Atlanta, I shall find you and feed you beers. Wait….that won’t happen. I dislike the south. When I think of the south I think of old plantation houses where there is no air conditioning, it’s humid as fuck, and people dress as if it doesn’t bother them. And I’m fat, so the very thought makes me ultra uncomfortable. If you ever find yourself in St. Louis where the climate is exactly the same, which makes me full of shit, find me. And I shall feed you beers. And Ribs. Cuz that’s how we do.

  20. on 24 Apr 2007 at 11:53 am MDz

    Too funny!

    My husband and a group of his buddies at work do something similar from time to time. They found this stuff – fart in a can – it’s like air freshener but smells like shit.

    His work area is only about 10 feet from the crapper, so he and the buddies make a trip in and “crop dust” as they call it.

    It’s amazing to me that no one has figured out what they’re doing.

    Factory humor at it’s finest. Somehow, in my world of legalize, I just don’t get it.

  21. on 24 Apr 2007 at 12:39 pm Byn

    Fxcking insane!
    I’d love to do that at work,
    unfourtunatly working in a resuraunt makes things like that harder.
    Keep writing, it’s been far too long.

  22. on 24 Apr 2007 at 7:34 pm Stardreme

    Just leaving some love Dusty. I’m glad to see you’re still writing. I have another friend reading at the moment and she’s getting tears. Much peace you.

  23. on 25 Apr 2007 at 7:57 am groundloop

    On target again, Dusty.
    I consider it a life’s mission to call a jerk out when they deserve it…even if they don’t at the time.

    Keeps me in practice.

    mw

  24. on 25 Apr 2007 at 5:44 pm T.D. Fuhringer

    Outstanding Dusty. Your posts never fail to make me laugh. Thanks for all the good times.

  25. on 25 Apr 2007 at 10:52 pm Sparky

    This hits home, and you’re completely right. About 7 years ago I completely lost my sense of smell. In 2005 I moved to a new state and started a new job, and around the same time my cat decided my backpack was his personal urinal. Needless to say, everyone within 50 feet of my office knew exactly when I came in. No one liked me, and I had no idea why. My boss finally told me that I smell like I’d been wearing a dead person as a scarf, and, after conferring with my friends, realized the piss-bag thing. It must’ve been a month before someone had the guts to tell me I’m the smelliest person they’ve ever met. And it all could’ve been avoided if my office-mate had just said “Dude, you smell like a big bag of cat piss today” the first time it happened.

  26. on 26 Apr 2007 at 6:07 am sarahemily

    floating an air biscuit? That’s the funniest expression I heard all week!

  27. on 27 Apr 2007 at 11:03 am Amber

    Oh Dusty. I am so addicted to you. Seriously. You know, not enough people realize the power in reflections. People assume if you’re facing the other way you can’t see them. Fools.

    When you ditch the skirt you dial me up. Wait… is this public? Delete delete delete! No, Skirt, I wasn’t hittin’ on your man, nuh uh. I was only joking. Wink.