Sometimes I can’t believe the stuff that irritates me. Someone can walk up to me and tell me what an ignorant jackwad I am, right to my face, and all I do is smile and give an equally uncalled-for response.

“Dusty, you think you’re so smart, and you don’t know anything. You’re worse than all of the people you make fun of. You think you’re so great and you’re always right, but you’re a moron.”

“Really? So if you believe I am who I am because of what I write, you must think that Kevin Bacon is really a frustrated dancer from a small town where no one is allowed to dance. It’s cute how your brain is trying so hard to work correctly, but it can’t.”

Then I pull a plastic sandwich bag out of my pocket and offer them some cheerios and a juice box.

That kind of stuff is amusing. The stuff that makes me want to hurt myself and others is mundane to most people.

Gross People- People who slurp drinks and chew with their mouth open should be systematically exterminated. How old do you have to be to finally learn basic table manners? Think you could go ahead and swallow whatever mung you’re sloshing around in your cakehole before you start talking to me, champ? Awesome.

Television Quoters- I am somewhat guilty of this, but I quote obscure lines from shows that no one watches except me, so it’s not really the same. The most common offenders are Seinfeld quoters. There is an episode of Seinfeld on some channel at every hour of every day, and they all relate to a situation you and your wacky friends got into. If I buy a toaster from a fat guy with a funny accent, the last thing I need to hear about is the time you saw Kramer do the same thing- “Oh, did you see that Seinfeld where Kramer went to the store and bought the toaster? Haha. Toaster nazi. Ha.” No. I did not. Or maybe I did. The point is, shut up.

Idiosyncratic behavior- It manifests itself everywhere, but some common examples are people who can’t ride in a car without telling the driver what to do, people who won’t go to lunch even ten minutes before noon no matter how hungry they are, basically any behaviour that is particularly devoid of logic and reason. It’s a big part of why I don’t work with the mentally ill.

People who spell behavior with a “u”- Man, they suck.

Punctuality- For an adult with no mental handicaps, there is no excuse short of a catastrophe for not being somewhere on time. Maybe that’s my idiosyncrasy.

Blue collar comedy and its fans- If you can count to four without asking for help, you know why this crap is not funny. Everyone else, laugh it up like a retard in a stuffed animal factory. Just don’t try and convince me that watching three rednecks repeat their catch phrases is comedy. Easy to understand? Yes. Predictable? Yes. Uninspired? Yes. Funny? No.

You might be a redneck if you are too stupid to realize that you are paying the comedian you are watching to make fun of you.

I think that about covers it. I love everything else. Especially corndog-o-rama. This year’s festival was last weekend, and I managed to snap the rare photo of Mark (his eyes never fully opened the whole time he was in town) and the filthy-cappedSturge as they enjoyed their seventeenth and kapillionth beers, respectively.

Drunk bloggers, jalapeno corn dogs, Cadillac Jones playing live, $2 tallboys at the bar, and lest we forget…Scrotundles, the mini 3 wheeler daredevil from Eastern Jockstrappia. I made up that name and title, but he can use it if he wants too.

Hey, Y’all, hope you like lots of satchel flashin’ excitement, because as you can see, I’m down for whateva! I live fast and get tattoos a lot, just like I was raised up. All I ever knowed is hot asphalt, three wheels, and the moist breeze whippin’ across my loamy taint.

That’s right, I live for three things- Speed and Danger! Not necessarily in that order, either, and sometimes at the same time! I’m not wearing this trendy trucker cap just to make friends, you know- my veins flow hot with an oil and gas mixture that only my 2-cycle heart can understand, so step aside and let me do my thang before you fall in love! Let’s open her up and she what she’s made of, BITCHES!!

Seriously.

No, seriously. Stop laughing before someone sees what you’re looking at.

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