The Rage Cage

March 2nd, 2007 by

For those of you who don’t know, I have a cat. While any cat is a cat that no heterosexual male should own, mine is particularly gay. Her name is Queasy and she is some kind of white, mega-furry lazier-than-average breed.

She tips the scales at a hulking 7 pounds, has no claws, and is as dangerous as a pile of socks. I have seen her wake up from a nap so she could go do the only other thing she does, and have to take another nap before she made it across the room to crap on my computer bag. There. Now you know Queasy.

I had to take her to get her shots and have her mouth stapled shut because her breath smells and she eats too much. A few days after that I have to take her back to get her fur clipped and some of the filth washed off of her. In preparation I made the following list of items I need:

(1) Pet carrier
(1) 10×16 sheet sign quality black adhesive vinyl
(1) 15×30 sheet sign quality orange adhesive vinyl
(1) #11 Xacto knife
(2) Leather work gloves
(1) can black spray paint
(10) 8-32×3/4” pan head bolts
(10) 8-32 nylon insert lock nuts
(24) 3/16” galvanized fender washers
3 square feet 1/8” hardware cloth
(1) Dream of a funnier tomorrow

By rigging up her “pet taxi” (removing the cardboard tabby with the turban that used to serve as the driver) and transforming it into Queasy’s rage cage, I think I will be able to convince everyone at Petsmart that this particular carrier is housing something darker than the heart of a thousand Satans and twice as violent.

Oh, believe me, if I had the time, I would rig up a remote-controlled solenoid that would violently spring the door open so everyone would just go bonkers.

So I took her to Petsmart to get her oil changed and as luck would have it, a lady was sitting there with her son. Her son was maybe 5 years old, and very curious about the cage at my feet in which Queasy was snoring her ass off. He started toward it and his mom grabbed his arm and warned him not to go near it. I said it was okay and told the kid, “You can look, but be careful.” I whispered to his mother that it was just a sleeping housecat and there was less than zero danger and went back to filling out some paperwork.

I could see the kid out of the corner of my eye, creeping up on the cage like he was defusing a bomb. When he got about a foot away, I kicked the cage because I have no humanity left in me.

Here’s something I completely forgot about, since I spend as little time around children as I can: When you startle an adult, he or she goes “HOOOSHIT!” and jumps back a little and laughs nervously and everybody wins. When you startle a five year old, they cry.

Another thing: Making a child cry is right up there with accidentally running over one on the list of things you have to apologize for. Luckily his mom didn’t seem angry. Little guy was hugging his mom’s knee, bawling his head off. I sprang into damage control mode, saying “Aw, no…no…it’s okay buddy. It’s just a weird looking cat. Here, look…” and I opened the cage and reached in. This momentarily freaked him out even more, because he probably thought that whatever was in that cage was about to kill everyone in Petsmart. He put his mom between him and the cat and buried his face in her leg.

Finally we got him calmed down and he spent the next few minutes trying to get her to play with a string. She wasn’t too in to that, so he started sculpting her fur into different shapes, which I’m sure she loved.

So I’m still trying to decide whether or not I am a bad person for thinking that whole thing was so damn funny.

Next week they’re going to shave her, so here’s hoping that cats don’t have self esteem, because The Skirt and I have blocked off our calendars to make room for the time we will spend laughing at her.

33 Responses to “The Rage Cage”

  1. on 02 Mar 2007 at 6:39 pm Karen

    OH you’re not a horrible person for laughing, I was DYING reading the whole thing. I love what you did with the carrier. Awesome is the only word to describe it.
    Make sure they give her the “lion” cut. Gotta love the tuft at the end of the tail. Or you could poodle her… leave 2 patches on her butt and shoulders. Do a perm or something.
    OOO Pink stripes!!
    Too bad she doesnt have nails, they do have kitty pedicures.

  2. on 02 Mar 2007 at 6:51 pm Matt

    Nice.. 5 year olds need good scare now and then.

  3. on 02 Mar 2007 at 6:59 pm Mary

    Yeah, I’ve been known to make children cry every so often. Don’t feel too bad about it.

  4. on 02 Mar 2007 at 7:23 pm Jenny

    I have six cats.
    One weighs in at about 18 pounds. The rest range from around 8 pounds to 15 or so.

    I was trying to think of something funny to say here but that first bit is funny enough if you are a sadist. Which most people are when we take the cats (any of them) in for shots / shavings / injuries due to having their own gravitational pull; most people just stare in horror – but some, the brave ones – make couch-cushion jokes about Ms. Fatty McLardHuge. If she had motor skills left that could actually move her body, she’d be a deadly moving object. As it is, she’s a deadly stationary object, much like a broken chair. Very dangerous, but only if sat upon.

    Good show on scaring the kid. Gives them a healthy respect for 1. things in cages, 2. other people’s stuff, 3. animals with claws, 4. bloggers.

    I love your stuff with the passion of a thousand suns. That’s a lot.

  5. on 02 Mar 2007 at 7:48 pm Cecilia

    Damn. That is laugh out loud funny stuff, Dusty. Thanks again.

    C

  6. on 02 Mar 2007 at 7:50 pm Andrea

    I am just wondering if you could custom make one of those pet taxis for one of my cats…she’s all of 7 lbs soaking wet but hates everyone other than me. Behind a closed door with the vet, she sounds like a damn panther in a fight for its life. No vet will see her without sedating her first.

    Keep me posted if you ever take orders for those.

  7. on 02 Mar 2007 at 8:07 pm Lyanthya

    That’s a Persian. Looks possibly purebred.

    I have a purebred Persian named Shade, short for Deadly Nightshade. She is aptly names. I don’t let children go near her.

  8. on 02 Mar 2007 at 8:07 pm MrJodie

    Okay, so I’m sitting here wondering why no one else has mentioned the fact that you seem to be obsessed with shaved p*ssy. There, I said it… no typed it… I, uh…

    Never mind. Dusty, I’ve been reading your stuff for a long time. A very long time. Which leads me to believe that it’s okay to gently say…

    THAT IS ONE BITCH UGLY CAT, MAN!!!

    Does it purr or just breathe through it’s own phlegm? I mean, DAMN, dude…

  9. on 02 Mar 2007 at 8:48 pm Incredipete

    Cats are so bizarre.

    But it’s never wrong to make little kids cry. Gosh, if that’s a crime, what’s the point of even living?

  10. on 02 Mar 2007 at 9:44 pm Mike (Formerly Tampa Mike)

    Hey, dude. I haven’t checked in for a while, but have been consistently reading your stuff since you started. Good shite. People still send me links to the album covers entry, and I get to say, “Yeah, I know that dude from my improv class in Atlanta,” and act all elitist.

  11. on 02 Mar 2007 at 10:29 pm Greenie (Formerly Gaylord)

    I’ve been platonic friends with Dusty for a long time and will stay with him in a couple weeks. That makes me the Katie Couric of commentary. Cats are to friendship as Trump is to TV.

  12. on 03 Mar 2007 at 2:05 am Andrea Jr.

    If it’s between a cat and a kid, I’ll bet on the cat. After all, Queazy didn’t shed a tear through this whole drama, and I’m guessing she was asleep just minutes later. I think the thing is to follow her lead- just ignore the whole “string game” thing and not get too upset if someone fucks with your hair. If you have a nice sunny windowsill to take a nap in, you should go for it, and avoid rides in a carrier at all costs.

  13. on 03 Mar 2007 at 6:44 am genpoco

    don’t feel badly – sometimes i can’t help myself and do that sort of thing to my own child. the cage rocks though…lmao!

  14. on 03 Mar 2007 at 8:18 am Anisettekiss

    CUIDADO!!!

  15. on 03 Mar 2007 at 8:49 am warcrygirl

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I love fucking with kids’ heads. It builds character and teaches them how to have a sense of humor. Also: I’m pretty sure it prevents them from growing up to be a whiny Liberal. My five year old would have fallen in love with you after that trick.

  16. on 03 Mar 2007 at 12:27 pm anne

    Names pre-clipping: Buddy and Belle
    Names post-clipping: Captain and Chenille (as in bathrobe)

  17. on 03 Mar 2007 at 5:53 pm Incredipete

    Jenna’s cat Chasey treats me as if I once attacked her with a bb gun… she hisses and spits whenever I walk by. Sometimes she hisses and spits just for the hell of it, even if I’m in the other room!

  18. on 03 Mar 2007 at 11:41 pm classicrose

    I WILL be taking the blueprints for “the rage cage” to revamp the pet taxi I have for my personal “spawn of the devil”. Oh, and yes you are a horrible person for being so amused… and so am I. *applause*

  19. on 04 Mar 2007 at 11:57 am Zil

    Having had cats my whole life, that first pic sez it all. I had a large, furry, white cat who would give me that same look. The furrowed brow is a nice effect.

    z

  20. on 04 Mar 2007 at 2:55 pm Erika

    Dude, I so understand. I have a 50 pound beagle named princess who has a taste for children and visiting family members and much bigger dogs. Oh, and she likes to shit on my bathroom floor sometimes instead of letting me know that she needs to go outside.

    And no, I did not name her princess. She came pre-owned and pre-named.

    She also answers to “Destroyer of the Earth” and “Food Slut”.

  21. on 04 Mar 2007 at 4:52 pm Lisa

    God that was funny. I had a cat, Remington, who looked a lot like Queasy. He was a huge black furball with orange eyes that would sit in a corner like he was sitting on a chair with his legs out in front of him. To keep him from being a matted mess, I would bathe him once a month in the tub. That required a whole new list of cat items like a beekeeper’s suit and a goalie mask for me if I did not want to die. Talk about fun! Now I have one of those self cleaning cats. It’s much easier.

  22. on 04 Mar 2007 at 8:06 pm Andres

    Relativity in focus:
    Had you chosen to kick the child instead of the cage, Queasy wouldn’t have cried. She might even laugh at such things.

    Do as I do: have the cat as your offspring, and the kids as pets..

    :-)

  23. on 05 Mar 2007 at 8:26 am dunderfunk (Ret)

    The hardware mesh is the best.

    Hannibel Lecter in feline form…

  24. on 05 Mar 2007 at 9:14 am jbird

    The only thing funnier would be to have the warnings in Spanish as well… – j

  25. on 05 Mar 2007 at 10:19 am Jay

    My girlfriend was watching some daytime show a couple years ago (Oprah, Springer, Beelzabub or something like that) where they had a lady that was terrified of cats. She had to be in her forties but if she so much as heard the meowing of a cat she would freak out, crying and cowering in the corner. I’ve always wondered how someone can end up like that. Now I know. Thanks. =)

  26. on 05 Mar 2007 at 12:48 pm Kristen

    I am ABSOLUTELY going to steal the cat carrier design idea from you, but first, I’m going to watch Jurassic Park and see what the giant raptor-boxes said. Or maybe I’ll go the Gremlins route.

    I got my pussy shaved last year, too. Pictures here and here.

    Because sometimes, the pussy hair gets unruly, and NO AMOUNT OF LICKING will tame it.

  27. on 05 Mar 2007 at 12:58 pm MDz

    LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!

    I have 2 cats that are night and day. I could literally take my little one (8 lbs) and hang him by his tail and he’d still be all over me he’s so laid back and loving. The other one (18 lbs) is pure evil and needs to live in your sooped up pet taxi. That totally rox!

    Too bad we rarely make trips to the vet. This small town vet clinic wouldn’t know what hit them!

    Oh yeah, my big guy likes to take a crap 6 inches away from his litter box, twice a day every day. What’s up with that?

  28. on 05 Mar 2007 at 4:24 pm GoingLoopy

    Yeah, you’re lucky Queasy is a small cat. Trying to cram my 18-lb furballs into one of those boxes is almost as much fun as food poisoning. I finally broke down and got one of those duffel bag kind that are top-loading.

    In answer to your question…no, you’re not wrong for thinking it’s funny. Either that, or all of your readers are going to hell and will enjoy laughing at Satan’s antics with you and the skirt.

    PS – a friend has a cat that looks a lot like Queasy, and when she got her groomed, and they did that “shave body, leave most of tail and feet and head fluffy-ish” thing…HOLY SHIT that was hilarious. It was even more funny because the cat was prissy and tended to strike a pose a lot. She thought she was SOOOOO hot.

  29. on 05 Mar 2007 at 5:59 pm n8 b

    Dusty,
    Been reading the site since it was on Diaryland. Great stuff, keep up the great writing. This story had me laughing out loud at work. Glad to see Queasy is still doing good after all of her misadventures that you’ve posted about before.

  30. on 05 Mar 2007 at 7:09 pm Nat T. Rat

    I wanted a cat that looked at me like it was saying “kiss my ass”. I begged The Man to get me a cat. Now I have a kid, and everytime I get pick her up to feed her, or diaper her, or put her to bed…she looks at me as if to say “kiss my ass”. I really should have gone with the cat.

  31. on 05 Mar 2007 at 8:21 pm Talleyho

    Persian = from Persia. Persia = modern day Iran. Iran = neighbor of Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iraq. Iraq = Al Qaeda. Al Qaeda = Jihad. Jihad = Osama Bin Laden. The foregoing = the six degrees of separation of your cat & president bush.

    President Bush = shaved pussy. Your fucking cat is the love child of Osama and Bush. Aren’t you paying attention at all???!

  32. on 06 Mar 2007 at 6:54 am Ernestine

    I hope you blocked off several days to laugh at old shaved Queasy.

    There’s something about a grumpy looking cat with a lion shave that never fails to amuse. Especially if you have the cat-shave poorly executed by a pair of angry lebesians

  33. on 06 Mar 2007 at 3:24 pm Cindy

    Effing hilarious. If you had done that to my kid, I would have had sex with you right there on the plastic chairs. I don’t give it up very often (ask the hubby), so that should tell you how funny I thought that was. Anyway, I’m sure the kid deserved it.

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