Putting the Laughter in Manslaughter
February 6th, 2007 by Dusty
Couple things. I’ve been working more with web design since I built my new site, and I have been taking time to observe stuff. For instance, I was in the shower last week and I noticed that one of the ingredients on one of the shampoo bottles was rapeseed extract.
Laughter, rinse, repeat.
So they are using the aborted fetuses of sexual assault victims to make sure my hair is healthy and shiny. I thought “Surely that is a type-o or something.” The Skirt conjectured that perhaps the g had just been scraped off of the word, and I was bordering on crestfallen. I didn’t want to look because I wasn’t sure I wanted to live in a world without rapeseed.
During this week’s shower I confirmed beyond doubt that rapeseed extract does exist. Not only was there no sign of a wayward g, but the r was capitalized. If there is Rapeseed extract, there must by definition be a fruit or a vegetable called a Rape. One can only surmise then that the 4-H club has a handful of aspiring Rape farmers in the Midwest somewhere…with a dream of getting up early for the harvest, smelling of rape when they come home at night, just like their daddy did…
And all is right with the world.
I have also been quite involved in honing my as-yet horrendous flash skills in projects like our next big party (seriously, if you are going to be in Atlanta on the 17th of march and don’t come to this party, I might hate you a little). We always make a little video to go along with the invite to get people essited about drinking too much.
So go watch it, but promise you’ll come right back after you buy your tickets.
In the effort of building said video, I did a Google image search for a shaleighleigh. For a while I thought I had found the only word in any language that didn’t have a Google image associated with it. Then I realized that I was just a horrible speller. While there remains no image for the word shaleighleigh, a shillelagh is a well-documented cudgel of Irish origin. I decided I’d buy one, just in case I ever needed one.
Judging by the price, a real shillelagh is made from leprechaun femurs and Jesus’s semen. So I decided to use one of the many web tools that Google has provided to find a better price.
Before you get all offended, let me assure you that I am just as outraged as you are. What kind of twisted asshole would even think of that? I mean, can you imagine someone sick enough insensitive enough to make a page like that? Me neither.
While still reeling from the repugnance of it all, I saw a preview of CSI: MIAMI, and I started to wonder how many shows could be produced that were absolutely in love with themselves before people a) stopped watching or b) started using poorly written one liners and dramatic pauses in every day life.
“Hey, James, what do you want to do for lunch?”
*rolling up sleeves, winding watch, or some other dramatic visual device*
“Well, Dusty…it looks like Atlanta just got a whole lot more burgery.”
*guitar riff, cut to the two of us peeling out of the parking deck*
If people are going to do it, they might as well do it right, I thought. So I bring you the official “Be as cool as Caruso” website. Enjoy.*
*Apologies in advance for any bugginess or other bizarrity. Like I said, my flash skillz ain’t so hot.
Love the Caruso-cheese! So glad to get a laugh in the afternoon. Sad to say I could only stand it for less than two minutes!
Joogle! … Oh my God, yer killin me over here!
Just my luck, the one time I plan on being in Atlanta is the only month in the calendar without a holiday. Everyone loves a tuba-playing midget.
Your flash skills couldn’t be worse than mine.
You’d better watch out, next thing you know, Google will be making millions off of your brilliant idea!
In a pinch, you could also use the Caruso hair for Conan O’Brien. And I only made it to 1:23 before I felt an aneurysm coming on. David Caruso- the leading cause of blindness and oxygen deprived retardation in humans.
Those are probably the scariest pictures of David Caruso ever.
Also rapeseed is used to make lots of stuff. Most notably canola oil. It has something to do with turnips.
I’m incredibly impressed you were able to watch that CSI: Miami crap for over five minutes. I lasted about 2 minutes and 10 seconds, and I’m scared I might be scarred for life.
There’s a flower most commonly found in Japan called the Rape Flower. It grows on the Rape Plant. After blossoming, it produces a slim fruit (let’s call it… Rape Fruit) that ejects small brown seeds that are squeezed to produce Rapeseed oil.
I looked that up several months ago after discovering that the standard shade of yellow used by Boeing on its machines, RAL 1021, is also known as Rape Yellow.
Rapeseed is grown in Europe. I lived in Switzerland for a while, and in the late spring when the rapeseed fields are blooming, the vibrant yellow is breathtaking.
I’ve never seen CSI:Miami. I watched the whole video-twice! Now I don’t have to worry about what I might be missing. Thanks. The shades look pretty good on me, too.
Yep, here in America we generally just call the whole seed/flower/oil canola to avoid the obvious faux pas.
I think somebody up this list is full of poo. Everybody is slagging the ginger guy, but CSI and CSI Miami have been pulling the top two slots in the ratings since the dawn of time, so SOMEBODY must be watching.
Moving on…
I love that you snuck a shot of “the Hoff” into your St Pat’s thingy, D. Nothing says “Let’s celebrate the heritage of Ireland and the legend of St Patrick” like a naked Hoff with a wrinkly puppy.
Way to go.
**C**
I used to be a watcher of CSI: Miami. But Caruso is just too much for me. I love CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, so I thought Miami would be the same and I could tolerate Caruso. Boy was I wrong. The bad one-liners, the soft talking is too, too much. If it weren’t for him, I’d be an avid watcher.
Great work on the video!
I just read the ad in your sidebar as “fatigue from enema” instead of “anemia.” I need a nap.
There is actually a grain called “rape” that is grown in large sections of Kansas and Nebraska…
Holy CRAP!!!!!
Bonus hair!!!!
oh, P.S.
http://joogle.org/uk/news/250903.htm
enjoy.
…And we all thought never the twain shall meet.
I’m watching CSI:Miami right now and thinking of you.
Does Caruso use that Rapeseed Shampoo to make is hair so kick ass?
You know of canola oil… It is rapeeseed oil. Canadian growers renamed it due to the possible marketing downside of having “rape” in the name of your project. “Canada” + “oil” = “canola” = rape. And we all know there is nothing funny about Canada.
Wow…if I didn’t already have an established St. Patty’s tradition, I would come to Atlanta based solely on that video.
Ok… So I only made it through about 1:19 of the Caruso video before I threw up in my mouth a little. Damn funny stuff!
I live in Houston but I’m thinking about headin’ to Hotlanta for the St. Patty’s Day party…
B
Holy crap … I lasted 1:28 watching that video before I thought my head was going to split in two so the evil, slug-like creatures that had eaten my brain could escape the hull that used to be my cranium.