Should you be alive? Are you sure?
January 9th, 2007 by Dusty
First, I have to give thanks where thanks is due. Incredipete is largely responsible for the new site. I stopped posting at Diaryland because the site had become so unstable that the very act of attempting to post something angered me to the point of therapy (not to worry, the old URL still works). He was incredihelpful and incredipatient with my stupid questions as well. In fact, after I built my new site for my artwork, he kept me from committing suicide by frustration when I couldn’t get it to work right. If he can help me, he can help you. Incredipete changes lives. So go leave him a thank you note and have his company host your site as well. DO AS I SAY.
Now, on to the actual entry part.
If my new favorite show “I Shouldn’t be Alive” has taught me anything, it’s that nature has a way of thinning the weakest from the herd, and poor judgment is definitely a weakness. I’m not trying to blame the victim or anything, but most of the situations featured on this show should have been avoided.
So each episode gets a rating; it doesn’t take long to decide whether these people should or shouldn’t be alive. If they arrived in a hopeless situation due to no fault of their own, fine. They get all of my sympathy and should absolutely be alive. If they got there by trying to act like Rambo Eastwood, well, my feelings are a bit different. You Shouldn’t be Alive? Maybe you “Shouldn’t be Scuba Diving in an Active Volcano.” Perhaps you “Should Consider Yourself Lucky to Have Come Back from Your last Shitty Idea with One Lung and Half a Hand.”
Prime example- Captain Courageous crampons overcoming his handicap by climbing Everest on two artificial legs. He had them amputated when they froze solid while he was climbing Everest a few years back. Damn right you shouldn’t be alive, dipshit.
I must have been born without the Xtreme gene. I have never had the urge to push the limits, conquer stuff, test my spirit, or anything else that involves suffering by design and could end with my funeral. To give you a better idea, here are the things I consider challenging in no particular order of extremity-
Staying up past midnight
Going to the DMV
Eating a whole grapefruit
Sleeping all night on the couch
Watching Jeff Foxworthy’s act
I assume that we are all capable of superhuman acts when the situation presents itself. I just don’t think I could survive any of the scenarios on this show. I mean, the story starts with a guy and his friends going for a hike. Half an hour later, the guy is pinned under a boulder on top of a shark-infested mountain, watching helplessly as monkeys eviscerate the bodies of his dead buddies, then he looks down to see a maggot orgy in his now rotting foot. I honestly think I would jab my eyes out with my thumbs and use a stick or something to scrape around in my brain until it all just stopped.
Ah, but the happy ending…
At the end of the show you see that the guy was rescued and rehabilitated and now has a prosthetic head and lives in a hyperbaric chamber because they didn’t find him until the maggots had eaten all of his skin. Can you guess what he’s doing? Hiking the exact same woods in his skin bubble.
I saw an episode where two guys who roomed together in college decided to explore the Amazon River basin by rafting and hiking through it. They left camp at 9:14a.m. crazy haunted rainforest time, and by 9:22 they were hopelessly lost, dehydrated, and in danger of being eaten by an unnamed species of lion-snake.
I started wondering what I would do if one of my friends asked me to go do something stupid like that. I guess I’d start by suggesting an alternative, just to gauge his level of insanity. Something worse, like “Hey, let’s wait until next year to ride over quadriplegic falls in a laundry basket. I know a place where we can hang glide over an abandoned minefield with a bag of feral cats tied over our heads.” Based on his response, I may or may not leave town and change my name while he is gone to avoid the possibility of being asked again.
ooohh. I’m first.
Second!! Right on! A new site! I was about to go through withdrawl. Yer already bookmarked, linked and “blogrolled”… Kudos to Incredipete and huzzah for Wordpress. I love their stuff and over at wordpress.com, actual people respond to feedback and support issues. Holy Crap!
Don’t badmouth the relatives Son. Foxworthy is your mother’s first uncle’s nephew on the left hand side, Ron White is my personal hero (he can drink and stand up at the same time), and Uncle Larry the Cable Guy - - - well, we won’t go there. I promised not to tell.
It was fun going over some of the older entries. I can’t remember them anyway if they are more than 15 minutes old.
Congrats on the new site Son.
I agree totally with your assessment of most of the people in “I Shouldn’t be Alive”. I wonder if some of them are smart enough to digest their food.
Great to hear you are back.
I’ve kept your un-updating blog in my bookmark folder checking at least twice a day for your return.
I too have checked Pork Tornado fruitlessly for months… until today! Awesomeness!
Priceless! and I love the new site! You Rock! Now I have to go back and find my favorite blog about your cat and the vaccuum. That one makes me still laugh until I can’t breathe, and usually wet myself.
HEY! I would do Ron White. Even if he was my great granddaddys brother’s uncles best friend, twice removed on my sister’s side. Make any sense? Does if you live in Kentucky.
I shouldn’t be so lucky - Dusty’s back.. yea!
Wow Dusty…I’ve seen a few of your portraits when you’ve put them in the blog, but those were fantastic. A smartass and great artist. The Skirt is one lucky woman.
Great new site! Props to Pete. But, one thing I noticed (which may or may not be intentional): the “next” button takes you back in time, while the “previous” button takes you forward.
~samantha
This is awesome!
Now I have to figure out where I am in the archives so I can get caught up.
I’m glad you’ve finally thrown off the shackles of Diaryland and joined the free world. I personally think WordPress is the most kickass piece of blogging software anywhere.
Keep writing, and we’ll all keep reading!
I can finally get my regular dose of humor heroin again!
Hello. My name is Brook. I’m a PT addict.
THX!
Gaw! Welcome back, Dusty! The holidays just weren’t the same without you. And now you’re back complete with a new site that rocks! So now we’ve got your new stuff and your old stuff all in one deliriously delightful place. It’ll help all of us up here in northern Michigan muddle through this long, cold and generally not funny winter. And what an artist, too! It’s not fair all that talent wrapped up in one cute little tornado. The skirt certainly *IS* a lucky little chicky…let me know if you ever decide to ditch her. Aw, crap…I forgot, you’re not into fat chicks. You and that fag Donald Trump. Well, maybe I can change your mind, Dusty… (Trump, however, can kiss my fat ass…and I hope it’s all gooey with shit when he does!)Rock on, my man.
Fun to have you back. And thank you for pointing me to the Weber Performer. I bought one and love it. The rotisserie option is recommended, if you haven’t already.
Well it’s about fucking time.
I love your writing but not being able to click “Back” to get to my last viewed page makes me angry-like-a-ninja-who-can’t-retrieve-her-favorite-throwing-star-out-of-her-last-deserving-victim.
Ah! Couldn’t be happier to see a new post on here…unless the new post was accompanied by a check.
YOU’RE BAAAAAACK! you were missed!
good shit.
YAY! you’re back! now get naked and do something stupid!