“Well, it looked like them Duke boys was in a whole mess a trouble…”
A friend sent me a link to this story, and I decided to record my reaction to it as I read it.

GATLINBURG - Executives, producers, cast members, and even the food service people who worked on the forthcoming “Dukes of Hazzard” movie could encounter a major public backlash when the movie premieres Aug. 5.

Major public backlash? Did they stereotype a minority or something? Cause if they did…

Ben Jones, who played Cooter the mechanic in the original classic television series, has been on a national campaign for the past week, urging fans to boycott the movie and claiming the movie is full of profanity, drug use and sexual behavior, which he said he discovered after reading a copy of the script.

Translation: Ben Jones, whose acting career has been over for too many years to count, decided to try and get back on the radar by being outraged at something with which he is barely connected. Unaware that the 99% of the world’s population has learned to cope with the prevalence of things like profanity, drug use, and sex, his bizarro-world microcosm is in upheaval.

The backlash will be neither major, nor public.

I know, I know…Ben Jones was a Georgia congressman and a successful actor and he has a successful business and a wife and family who probably loves him and he has done all of these great things all successylike. I’m just a blogger somewhere in cyberland typing away at my lonely keyboard with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes…but then I realize that even if I had all of that stuff, I would gladly trade it in for a chance…just a 50/50 shot…at not being an idiot.

I’m Ben Jones, and I don’t take kindly to all this cussin’ and dopin’ and carryin’ on. God said it, I believe it, that settles it. Now git on outta here ‘fore I git after you with my baptizin’ stick!

Jones has made appearances on “The Today Show,” CNN and other broadcasts blasting the movie.

I’d imagine you ain’t been blasted proper till you been blasted by Cooter.

Before an appearance for an autograph and photo session with fans Thursday afternoon at his store Cooter’s Place in Gatlinburg, which sells “Dukes of Hazzard” memorabilia and merchandise, Jones said that Hollywood is doing fans of the show a disservice with the movie version.

“Anybody who comes to Cooter’s Place knows that this is a family place,” said Jones. “The movie is filled with several kinds of profanity, sex and other kinds of stuff.

You have a family joint called “Cooter’s Place” and you’re pissed off about false advertising? I bet there’s not a single hooker in your store. I’d also bet that “other kinds of stuff” includes such shocking things as whites and blacks sitting in the same section at a restaurant.

“Bo and Luke (Duke) are role models to kids,” Jones continued. “Hollywood ought to be ashamed of themselves. They spent $30 million to promote this movie.”

Please tell me you are kidding about the role model thing. If this television show came out today they probably wouldn’t even let it on the air because the Duke boys hunt poor little woodland creatures, drive too fast, and evade police. Some government funded activist group would surely come out and make sure to protect us from them. Funny how that would be just as asinine as what you are trying to do.

Jones said that Uncle Jesse, played by Willie Nelson in the movie but by Denver Pyle in the TV show, is portrayed as a “profane lecher.”

I am calling someone a “profane lecher” as soon as the opportunity presents itself. Calling everyone “devil skeleton fornicator” was getting old.

“Willie is one of my favorite singers,” said Jones. “He just read what was written in the script. Uncle Jesse is about what’s right and wrong. He will not be portrayed in the same light as the great Denver Pyle.

After picking myself up off the floor at the shock of finding out that Willie is one of your favorite singers and then wiping the film of sarcasm off of my keyboard after having typed that last bunch of words, I was happy to see that you gave props to Denver Pyle. I love me some Pyle. I would hate Willie Nelson just because he’s a country singer, but I think he is made of beef jerky, and I love beef jerky. I’m sure you understand my conflict.

“There is a moral compass in Hazzard County,” Jones continued. “That is not portrayed. I wouldn’t take a dog to see this movie.”

I agree. Most dogs enjoy indie films and docudramas more. What the hell, Cooter? Talk to your agent before you say stuff like this. I don’t know which way the moral compass swings down in East Jesustown, but most people wouldn’t take a dog to any movie. Unless there was a movie about a tennis ball bouncing down the street or something. I guess I’d take a dog to that movie, but he’d have to buy his own ticket.

Jones said he has talked with other “Dukes” cast members and that they all expressed the same opinion. None of the original cast members have roles or cameo appearances in the movie.

“I called the producers and wanted to come see them to give some input, and they blew me off,” said Jones. “After reading the script, none of us wanted to be in the movie.

Riiight. So you offered to be a consultant, they blew you off…and now you don’t want to be in their stupid movie anyway? I bet you had to disconnect your phone because they were calling and begging and so on. Sending gift baskets full of bibles and replica general lee cars…hoping against hope to get back in your good graces. If I were you, I wouldn’t let any of them into your store the next time they’re in town.

“‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ movie should be for families,” Jones continued. “That’s why it was famous. It should be a good family adventure that would honor the people of Appalachia, instead of spoof them.”

There already is a movie that honors the people of Appalachia. Go rent “Deliverance”.

Visitors to Cooter’s Place did not show any positive attitudes toward the movie’s premiere.

What? You can’t be serious. Other residents of Lower Jackskull County were like-minded? I’m going to need some quotes to back that outlandish claim…

“I don’t think it will be any good,” said Kylie Bradley, of Rutherfordton, N.C. “I don’t think it will be fit for children to watch. I won’t even think about going.”

If everybody in Rutherfordingtonville does the same, I’d imagine the potential impact on ticket sales could reach dozens of dollars.

“I can’t stand Jessica Simpson,” said Lauren Martin, of Hartselle, Ala., speaking of the actress playing Daisy Duke in the movie. “I’ve only seen the previews, and I’m kinda iffy about it.”

At last report, Jessica Simpson was distraught over not being stood by Lauren Martin.

“I heard about (the movie), but I don’t know if I will go see it,” said Robert Penman, of Georgetown, Ky. “The characters probably won’t be like the ones on TV. Maybe I’ll go see it just to see what it’s like.”

Yeah…Alright…I’ll go see (the movie)…BUT JUST TO SEE WHAT IT’S LIKE. I don’t WANT to go…a-and I DEFINITELY think Jessica Simpson looks trashy in that gitup she’s wearing…showing off them firm, buttery thighs…big ol’ sweatercows standing proud in the confederate breeze…mmm…not classy like the original Daisy Duke…

Please note how totally slutty Jessica looks compared to the far more conservative original Daisy Duke person.

Pearl Cornett, one of the managers at Cooter’s Place, was not very optimistic about the movie, either.

Maybe she wanted to keep her job. Ya’ Reckon? If my business card said “Manager, Cooters Place”, I’d do and say whatever it took to keep that title.

“I see enough filth on TV, and they took a good show like this and trashed it,” said Cornett. “A guy I talked to who went to a premiere said Bo and Luke were smoking dope, drinking liquor and cussing. That’s not ‘The Dukes of Hazzard.’ It’s a good, family show.”

Hey, they didn’t show them banging their sister on the original show either, but we all knew they did it.

Rick Hurst, who played Boss Hogg’s dim-witted cousin Cletus on the show, made one of his frequent appearances at Cooter’s Place for an autograph session Thursday, along with Jones.

An autograph session with Cletus AND Cooter? Why was I not informed?!

He said from what he read in the script, the movie was definitely not for families.

“Fans will be disappointed that they can’t take their kids,” said Hurst. “The trailers looked a little risque. It’s like asking Andy Griffith and Ron Howard to make a movie with Vin Diesel and Herve Villechaize playing their roles, and Snoop Dogg with an Uzi playing Barney Fife.”

Holy crap, Cletus. Write that one down. That might be the best idea you’ll ever have. And put me down for one ticket, please. Oh my god, that would be a kickass movie.

*Pan to Deputy Snoop Fife*

“Nip it in the bizzud, beeyotch.”

When the original cast members were not included as part of the movie, Hurst said he knew something did not seem right.

“Maybe it’s good we’re not in it,” said Hurst. “If it does well, maybe they’ll make a ‘Dukes of Hazzard II.’ But they will have to clean it up before any of us will be in it.”

Somewhere in Hollywood, a team of writers and producers is feverishly doing absolutely nothing to make that happen, and it’s just for you, Cletus. You and your friend Cooter.

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