TurboBitch 2001

March 13th, 2002 by

This happened several months ago, and it was only loosely tied to internet dating, but it has been a source of entertainment and an oft told story at parties.

I met this girl at the gym. She was talking about internet dating with her friends, so being the evesdropping buttinski that I am, I joined the conversation, and over the next few weeks we talked when we saw each other at the gym, eventually exchanged info, and set up a date one weekend. At the time, I was still reeling from the fact that she was so good looking, smart, and seemingly stable. That was all about to change.

I picked her up on Friday night. At the time, I was still driving my fancy turbo shiny red sports car. As could be expected, she started toward the small penis jokes, with which I was well acquainted by this time. She tried “so, why do you feel like you have to have this kind of car?” She was smiling and seemed to be joking, so I figured she was up for some verbal jousting. I replied “because of my abnormally small penis and various other insecurities.” Having been deprived of the jab she wanted to deliver, she simply said “obviously.” Oh, the Tornado didn’t stop there- “Hey, maybe by riding around in it, you’ll feel like you don’t need those implants anymore.” I still feel no regret for that comment. She was obviously very proud of her new breasticles. Plus, if you want to play a game of quickwits, you have to be prepared to lose gracefully. In my opinion, she set herself up for that one.

Anyway, she seemed a bit miffed by that, but we had a pretty decent conversation on the way to the restaurant. When we got there, I opened the door for her and she looked at me like I had just grabbed her ass. “I am perfectly able to open my own door.”

“Well….okay.” I lamely replied. Again when we were seated, I showed another grotesque display of chivalry by not only offering to take her coat, but by pulling her chair out for her. Can you believe the nerve? So all during dinner she continued to insult me, my values, my clothes, men in general, the wait staff, and was an all around miserable bitch. When the check came, she didn’t have a problem letting me pay, and I did make a comment. She rolled her eyes and that sealed the deal for me. I paid, we walked back out to my prosthetic penis, and I made no move toward opening her door for her. I just got in and started the car.

Imagine my confusion when she stood outside the door and seemed to wait for me to open it for her. I rolled down the window and said something like “what the fuck? You just finished whining about me opening…christ almighty in a chicken basket. It’s unlocked.” She didn’t say a word.

Now there are games, and there are games. At that moment I had had enough of this one. I thought it through and realized she lived about five miles from where we were at the time, she had a cellphone, so I wouldn’t be putting her in danger of anything other than a bruised ego, and she was a total spoiled douchebag. I decided to do what no guy had probably ever done to her, and what had been a long time coming. I drove away. My cellphone rang a few times, so I turned it off. She called a few days later, trying to explain things and not just blasting me (which was what I expected). Unfortunately my answering machine didn’t offer any help.

I wonder if she’s any different now. Maybe she’s just someone else’s pain in the ass.

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