Okay, I have been driven to put this in writing. I hate artists. I know, I am an artist of sorts, but holy crap, does it ever suck hanging out with “real” artists. I go to art shows all the time, and even enter them occasionally. I’ll hang out and listen to people talk about how a piece moves them and how they can feel the inward anger…bullshit.

I do agree that there are certain pieces that evoke an emotion, convey a message, or are just unique in their execution (even if they are not particularly inspired), but one basic rule applies- some things take skill, and others do not. I am irritated by the same thing that most musicians see happening- Bands like Creed and Sputney Sparks or whatever her name is, who couldn’t compose or theorize their way out of a wet paper sack are making millions off of the ignorant masses, while the Victor Wootens and Michael Hedges of the world go virtually unnoticed. In the case of music, this is due largely to the promoters and record labels, but in visual art, it is a game of how well you can bullshit someone into thinking your stuff is a product of your tortured existence.

Oh, and by the way, even if you do that, you’ll still be broke until you die.

I have tried to befriend artsy people. To start with, they don’t think there is any way in the world that I could possibly be good at anything creative if I don’t have tattoos, purple hair, and a drug habit. My work doesn’t always convince them, either. I’ll show them a drawing like this one

And they’ll say “Yeah, man. Reflective. I bet you were really thinking that day. Does that make you think of the color green? It’s just too constrained. Why don’t you splash some dog blood on there or color it with a carrot?” By now, I’m searching for someone else to talk to, or looking at him as if I am trying to understand, even though I’m not. “No…not really. I just saw it and wanted to see if I could catch the light with a pencil. I believe I had just eaten a turkey sandwich, and it had lettuce on it, and that’s green…so there’s that…” They always feel duty bound to show you their work, and I feel duty bound to pretend that I like it, even if it is a really shitty attempt to copy another artist who wasn’t that good in the first place.

“Yeah, man. (they always start their sentences that way) this one is like an interpretive Matisse, but the fire and macaroni noodles show our needs as a society. Are you a vegan too?” I always say something noncommittal like “Hey, those are macaroni noodles, alright. That’s…new. And no, not a vegan. I enjoy killing my meals very much.” But one day I know I’m going to snap and say “Wow. That shows absolutely no skill whatsoever. It sucks almost as much as most of Matisse’s work did. At least he was breaking new ground and not flogging a dead llama with a crayon. I noticed that your friends seem to be mentally challenged, too. Do they let you guys play with the coloring sticks during activity hour, or what? Because if they do, they need to stop.” I guess the best way to think about it is-hey, I can do what he does, but can he do what I do? Maybe. Maybe even better. Never let that reality get far from your mind, because you will be humbled beyond words the first time you see someone who makes you look like the retard with the sidewalk chalk. Even more humbled the second and third times.

Another thing you’ll see a lot of at these shows is a decent idea that is poorly executed. I say that if you have anything that resembles integrity, you owe it to yourself to present your work as if you are proud of it. One guy had a “personal gallery” at a show that was unique, and could have been good if done right. He had a cardboard box hanging from the ceiling with a few photos taped to the inside. The viewer would sit in a chair and lower the box over their head and look at the pictures. Kind of creative, but for god’s sake, paint the frigging box and put some pictures in it that give it some reason for being made the way it was. There was a picture of a kid on a swing, a cat, and something else that was apparently even more forgettable. The box smelled weird, and was just a stupid old box. So many missed opportunities, it made me sick to think that the idea was wasted on him. I thought it would be much cooler to paint distorted pictures of ogling humans staring at you and title it “My life as a goldfish”.

Plenty of people don’t like my work because it’s too “tight”, it isn’t “expressive” enough, or it “sucks”. That’s fine. I have plenty of exploring and improving to do, and I’m the first to admit it. What it is however is “recognizable” and “for sale”. I still get the same rush from creating as they do, plus I can afford to live indoors because I “sold out to society”. I happen to like society and I believe they deserve cool stuff on their walls. If somebody wants to pay me to paint his dog, then bring me my brushes. I have been drawing a lot of kid’s portraits in the past few years, and I have grown to love it. I hate drawing from a studio photo, because they look so un-kidlike, but if the parent gives me a good candid shot, I’m all over it. Sometimes the parent will tell me that it doesn’t look like their kid, in which case I compensate them somehow, but that happens less and less with practice. Other times they’ll gush about how I captured their spirit in the eyes, and ask how I did it. How the hell do you answer that one? I welcome any suggestions. So here are my two favorite pictures of kids that I have drawn. They both belong to a friend of mine in Utah. Yes, one guy has two kids that are that cute.

“Yeah, man. I think I can see their spirits and stuff”

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