For some reason, if someone is out there in a crowd with an agenda to cause trouble, I automatically become their target. I sometimes wonder if I have a gland behind my ears that excretes some sort of dickhead attractant. The big stupid frat guy in the bar will always call me a fag or whatever clever term he can come up with, the drunk asshole at the football game will always happen to get in my face and try to explain why the team I like is a bunch of homos and have sex with their moms. I think this is the root of my distaste for rednecks. When I was in elementary school and a little bit of highschool, conflicts were often solved with a physical confrontation of some sort, and everyone went on their way. That’s fine if you aren’t mature enough to let it go, or don’t have the mental capacity to think things through. It happens in nature- monkeys fight to show who is the dominant male, bears and other wildlife fight for mates, etc. However, I would like to think that as educated adult humans, we owe it to our race to get beyond that and just understand that sometimes someone will piss you off, and there are much better ways to handle it.
When I was younger, people liked to pick on me because I was smaller than they were and a bit of a smartass, but not necessarily in that order. Now I am of normal stature (and a Jedi smartass) and still get the occasional anger management candidate’s attention. I realized a few years ago that the whole act of getting in someone’s face and trying to prove a point is really just a great opportunity to look like an ass in public, and have changed my tactics from yelling back at the person, to “killing them with mind bullets”. It doesn’t matter who is bigger, louder, or meaner. What matters is who can think fast enough to keep the balance in his favor.
Case in point- this morning, I inadvertently cut a guy off in traffic, but I had the right-of-way; he was in a lane that was closed ahead, forced to merge, and we were just at unfortunate positions relative to each other. Some confusion followed as he thought I was going to let him go in front of me (which I would have gladly done), but I couldn’t slow down fast enough, so I went past him and he got in a few cars behind me. No big deal, right? As I went by, he honked and extended his middle finger in a gesture that said “hey, I really wish that had worked out differently” and appeared to mouth the words “vacuum cat old”. I neither mimicked the gesture, nor showed any sign of aggression in return. I just kinda’ figured “Ah, well. Happens to all of us.” I was in a pretty good mood.
I pulled into a gas station about two blocks down to get some jerky, and as I’m getting out of my car, I hear some tires squeal as a person in a grey Grand Am pulls it into the space on the passenger side of my car. I guess he drove into the parking lot really fast just to show me how angry and tough he was. I recognized him as the guy with the finger from a few seconds ago. Early fifties, grey hair, kind of long in back, Oakley blades adorning his eyes. Angry to the point of shakiness. All of the trimmings of your standard issue worthless-piece-of-shit. Now that you have the mental image, I’ll tell you what went through my mind as he drove up.
“This guy is pissed at me, I’m pretty sure. The fact that I didn’t really do anything worthy of confrontation, along with the haircut, clothing and car tells me that he doesn’t have much control over his anger yet, nor is he likely to be very smart or rational. His mental development stopped when he was in elementary school, and he understands very little. If he has a weapon, I am getting back in my car and driving away until I find a cop or a gun. If not, I’m going to mess with his mind until he gives up.”
I didn’t want to get too far from my car, so I stayed on the driver’s side with the door open. This way I could haul ass if I needed to, and there was only one direction that he could get to me. He got out of his car and unleashed this verbal bombardment of a driving lesson on me that must have lasted thirty seconds, and was way louder than necessary. People were pumping their gas and looking at us. One of the cashiers became very interested in not having a fist fight in his parking lot, and I stood there with my hands in my pockets looking at everyone like “wow. Can you believe this guy?” When it got quiet again, I looked back at him and said “oh…sorry, I wasn’t listening. Could you say that again?”
People like this guy expect to be able to intimidate with volume and intensity, and it usually works. However, having been exposed to more of these people than I care to count, I have long since perfected the art of keeping things going in exactly the direction they do not expect.
He paused for a second to think, then called me an idiot, which made me smile, and began to paraphrase what he had just said, but did it in a slower cant, as if talking to a retard. I enjoyed this immensely, and I’m not sure why. I just locked eyes with him and waited for him to get uncomfortable enough that he ran out of things to say. Then I said “Hey, those are nice sunglasses. Know where I can get a pair?”
There is a fine line to walk with people like this. At some point they will realize that they are losing and looking dumber and dumber by the second, people are watching, and they will hear voices in their head that tell them that if the other guy is bleeding, they have won. The sunglasses comment pretty much crossed the line for our friend the moron, and he said something about “goddamn smartass…” and started around my car, presumably to engage in fisticuffs with yours truly. This makes things shift gears, and if you really want to avoid getting all dirty and tired (which I did), you have to convince the other guy that what he is about to do is tantamount to walking into a chipper shredder. The most important thing is not to show weakness in any way. Keep eye contact, stand up straight, project your voice, and make him believe that you are a trained killer with a loose grip on your self-control, just barely able to keep yourself from eating his liver as he watches.
As he came around my car, I said, “You do not want to do this.” in what I hope was a manly, non-cracking voice. My mouth goes dry when things get all tense, so sometimes I’ll sound like a thirteen year old girl as I tell them that I am about to cut them in half lengthwise. He said, “man, I didn’t come over here to discuss this…” and I said “okay, that’s fine. I’m just telling you that you really should think about what you’re doing right now.” In my mind, I’m saying, “dammit, this is going to hurt my back.” By this time the cashier was standing in the door and the manager came out and said, “Is everything okay here?” I said, “This guy seems to have a malfunction, but I’m alright. I just want him to go home.” The redneck guy starts in about how I’m asking for it and so on, and I just said, “listen, getting cut off in traffic happens all over the country every day. I’m sorry if I ruined your life or whatever, and I hope you try to merge sooner next time, but this is just stupid.” Then my favorite line of the whole exchange- “man, you’re the only one who’s stupid here”, he said.
Yes, a grown man said that. In public.
I can only assume that he stayed up all night composing that masterful comeback, so rather than rob him of his victory, I just smiled and shrugged and said to the manager “see? He’s mad because I’m stupid. There. It’s all figured out. Can I go get my jerky now?” He called me a name, got back in his car and drove away. He squealed the tires, of course, just so everyone there would know who was the winner.
When I was paying the cashier, he said, “Man, you played that pretty cool. That was funny.” The guy in line behind me said, “that was hilarious. Do you mind if I use that ‘I’m sorry, did you say something?’ line if I get the chance?” I hope he never gets the chance, but I would love to know that it did some good.
So wherever the angry man is (and I’m sure he’s not reading this, due to the fact that computers are the devil’s magic), I hope he gets that whole yelling and shaking thing under control before he has a meltdown.
This is a picture of an angry redneck. If you see one, kill it.
