Friends can be so cruel. I hang out with three guys I work with- Dave, Chris, and Josh. We drink beer, talk about people we work with, and basically relax together during and after work. Dave is the nervous one, Josh is the cocky one, Chris is the mature one (even though he might be the youngest of the bunch), and I am the retard/comic relief.

At our company, we have a scheduler on the network that tells who is going to be where and at what time. If I am taking a day off to kill kittens, I’d put it in the scheduler as personal time, and write “killing kittens” in the details line.

A few days ago, Dave called Chris and asked him to put it in the scheduler that he was sick. Chris sent me the schedule item that read “Dave is out for the day, battling several chronic cases of VD”. The whole company read it, and they understood that we were just being adolescent. However, I had an idea to get Dave a care package to help him with his problem. At lunch, we went across the street to the drug store and started looking for anything that could be altered to look like a treatment for a venereal disease. We picked up some eyeglass pads, a stick of Blistex lip balm, some foam tube things for treating athlete’s foot, a jar of some kind of blue hair gel, and of course a card. Having considerable graphic design skills, a good printer, and a sick mind, I changed the product labels to the images you will see below. The chap stick became “Asstex Ass Balm” Minty fresh, SPF 15, formulated to retain the body’s natural moisture and prevent asschap. The foam tube things became “Itchywick’s extra small cock peel” for removing diseased skin one layer at a time. The blue hair gel was re-labeled “Uncle Feely’s anti-bacterial Lower Body Slather” ‘If it burns when you pee, call Uncle Feely’ (not for use during self pleasuring). The eyeglass pads were called “Smack My Itch Up anti-chafe intra-gluteal wart pads, for those days when the burning just won’t stop”. And the card was one of those that women get for each other with a half naked musclehead dude on the front. Of course, I changed the inside to read “Sorry for giving you the drip” and signed it “Viceroy”. I even dotted the “i” with a little heart. That’s the difference between real friends and mere buddies. We take the time to make things right.

The next day when he returned to work, we presented him with our get well soon package. He was very happy, or at least that’s how I interpreted it. I just have to remember never to take a day off now.

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