I returned from Florida Tuesday night. It was sort of cold, kind of post-apocalyptic down there. Not many people are in Orange Beach this time of year. My bro and I did do some fishing, and were met with limited results. I had one day of big redfish catching, and several days of catching a few small unidentified sea creatures. That’s one of the cool things about fishing off a rocky point in a bay inlet. You just never know what’s on the other end of your line. You’ll feel a tug, and pull in a squid, cast back out and reel in some kind of vile, wrong looking fish that has yet to be identified. I caught two fish that I wouldn’t touch. I’m not squeamish about fish or slimy things in general, but one of these fish had what appeared to be a lance full of neurotoxins and magma sticking out of its back and a crazy look in its single eye. The other one just had all sorts of pointy sharp things jutting out all over the place, and a tattoo that said “School is for anchovies” with a fish skull and crossbones. I do actually know a decent amount about sea life, having had several reef aquariums and such, so anything that I have never seen or heard of just makes me want to cut the line and let the hook work its way out over the next week.

We had a few kids with us- the niece and nephew, and my cousin’s kids who are about the same age. I enjoyed playing with them, but left more convinced than ever that I am not cut out for parenthood. This opinion can and will change without notice.

When I got back, the lady from whom I am renting was there, and told me she is selling her condo. So I get to move again in the next month or two. Mixed blessing, I guess. I do not like anything about the city I live in except that my family is there and the airport is close by. Other than that, it is one of those places that is just a little too far away from anything useful. If you want to go run a simple errand, plan on being gone for an hour at least. Plus, the 45 minute commute to work is getting a little old. I’m in the market for a loft/condo/cool joint to call temporary home. It turns out that to live in town, you have to be independently wealthy. I found a one bedroom place for $3900 a month. Slightly out of my range. I found a couple of other places that require you to have good furniture before they will consider renting to you. I think that is stupid, so I called them and asked about this stipulation.

Ring ring

Her- Good afternoon, Bunson and associates. Can I help you?

Me- Sure can. I was looking at the ad for the rental house on Virgina. Ad number 536790.

Her (noticeably more attentive)- Yes sir, a fabulous residence. How can I be of assistance?

Me- Well, the $1700 a month rent seems steep for two bedrooms, but I’d like to see it before I make the call. My question has to do with my furniture and who makes the decision whether it is good enough.

Her- Yes, the rent is quite competitive for that part of town, and it is a very spacious home, with heated tile floors, marble countertops, a sunroom, and high ceilings.

What is your concern about the furniture?

Me- Wow. Heated tile? I’d like to see if I can get the cabinet knobs and toilet seats heated as well. I get a chill really easily.

Her- Yes, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Me- No. It would be dumb. I guess the heated floor will do. Is that so I don’t hit a patch of black ice and go careening into the refrigerator? Man, I’d have to sue someone if that happened. Seriously, though. About my furniture… What makes my furniture worthy of placement in this house?

Her- Well, what style of furniture do you have?

Me- Not really any particular style. If I had to categorize it, I’d say it was neo-classic particle board fusion. Mostly from the Home Depot period. A lot of faux wood grain and pot metal hardware. Hardly any of the veneer is peeling, though- nothing a bit of tape won’t fix. Not the best that money can buy, but my living room set is very nice, and that is what most people will see.

Her- Yes, the more visible rooms are the ones we are most concerned about. What kind of living room furniture do you have?

Me- A really amazing inflatable couch and chairs, and coffee table that I made out of pizza boxes. It’s part of my “burn in place” collection of disposable furniture.

Her- Sir, we don’t allow inflatable furniture, and if you are not serious about this residence, please let me get back to work.

Me- It’s inflatable velvet. Don’t you know how hard that is to get? Double stitched seams…

She hung up before I was able to tell her about my pets and hobbies. I guess I’ll have to use that material on someone else. I have found a couple of places to rent if I need to, but am also considering buying a place because I need more stress in my life. I have a feeling I’ll just rent for a while.

Anybody need a roommate? I’m a real slob, I snore, I tend to take in stray animals and vagrant hookers, and I get violent very easily. Oh, and I’ll argue about who has to pay the extra penny on the power bill.

Trackback URI |