Grey skies are gonna’ clear up… puddona happy fayyycee…

Dammit. I hereby retract every bit of sympathy I ever had for the homeless, drug addicts, drifters, hobos, and anyone else who may want to steal from me. I was working on a plan to use stray cats and dogs to feed and clothe the destitute, but I still have sympathy for animals. Right now I want to drive downtown, find anyone who looks the least bit like they may be too lazy to do anything but mooch off the system, and beat them mercilessly with a paperweight.

Right before Christmas, my brother’s car was broken into and they stole over $1500 worth of CD’s, electronics stuff, and basically everything else he had in his car. They found the guy who did it, and just yesterday my bro’ went to pick up his broken stuff from the police station. This morning I went out to my car and thought to myself “Well, I certainly don’t remember breaking my window before I went inside last night. I am also relatively certain that I didn’t leave my trunk open.” Strangely, It didn’t look like anything was missing from my car. Just a broken back window and stuff left hanging open. In the trunk I had a complete stereo system in boxes, which I am trying to sell. I paid about $1000 for it a few years ago, and it hadn’t been touched. Nor had my CD changer, stereo, jacket, sunglasses, or any of the other stuff I had in my car. Counting my blessings now, I noticed that this jackhole had broken out my back window for the sole purpose of stealing the change in my ashtray. Grand total estimated at $0.78. An amount I would have given to him if I knew the alternative would be replacing a window. Now I still want to give him the $3.00 in change that was left in my jacket pocket, but I want to disable him with mace or a nine iron first, heat the change up with a blowtorch until it glows, and drop it on his testicles after using them as a trampoline.

I know I should feel lucky that he didn’t take anything, and I do. The principle is this, though. That is my car and my property he was going through. It will probably cost me $50 to replace the window, and he wanted crack money. His life is worth less than nothing to me. Yes, over a broken window. I unwillingly donated over $5000 last year to various government programs designed to rehabilitate and feed these urchins, and I am repaid by having them break into my car. Then, the police (whose salary is also partly paid by my generous donation) would barely even listen as I told them what had happened, stating that car burglaries aren’t a priority. I suppose they are too busy trying to find ways to make things easier for the oppressed victim who broke into my car.

Here’s my plan. When I get all moved into my new place (which is where my car was parked last night), and the weather is a little warmer, I’m going to get a couple hundred dollars in cash and put it in plain sight on my front seat. Then I will set up camp for the night and wait for someone to start sniffing around my car. About the time he breaks a window or opens the door, he will simultaneously enter a new dimension consisting only of pain and suffering. A Dusty-shaped flurry of fists and blunt objects will descend on him with such ferocity that he will have no recourse but to ride out the storm and hope he survives. I’m not gong to do anything that won’t heal, but I will make sure that he spends the next month or so limping around thinking about what he has done and staying the hell away from where I live. We need to make our neighborhoods a more hostile environment to the elements that would steal from us. I also have plans for a crossbow/flamethrower aimed at the abdomen of the would-be thief that would go off when the car was forced open. Then I wouldn’t have to stay up late. I’d just have to wash the blood off my car and hope I could back over his body without scratching my bumper.

Oh, and if you think I am being unfair by “entrapping” him, well then fuck you. I should be able to tape money all over my car, put up a lighted sign stating “free crack”, and still have every right to whale on this guy for one reason and one reason only. The stuff he is taking does not belong to him. By committing the crime, he is risking whatever retribution I deem necessary. That’ll make a good story. I can’t wait. I feel sorry for the next guy who asks me for change on the street. I also feel sorry for the next person to tell me that I should pity the “less fortunate”.

Here is a visual guide to being beaten by me-

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