Hell Hath No Fury Like a Gas Company Scorned

I am having a bit of a problem with the gas company. It seems that although I told them twice verbally and once in written form, they didn’t think I really wanted to shut off my gas when I left my old place about six months ago. Now they want me to pay $189.27 for gas that was on when the place was empty. I didn’t get all of the warnings they sent (since I didn’t live there), nor did I notice when they cut it off because I wasn’t there to get cold. The warnings were funny though. The first one was like this:

Dearest valued customer, We here at Georgia natural gas love you like you are a member of our own family. In fact, we think you are the single most beautiful carbon based life form ever created in the whole universe and we would kill our collective selves if you ever even thought of leaving us. According to our records (which are probably mistaken because we know that a prince of a fellow such as yourself would never do anything like this), your payment for the month of June has not reached our office. While we are sure it probably got lost or some unqualified postman put it in the wrong box or some other silliness, we just wanted to let you know about the whole mixup because we find it amusing. Don’t even worry about it. Forget we said anything. Just don’t be mad at us. Please.

Sincerely yours with undying admiration and a slightly creepy lust,

The team at Georgia Natural Gas

They get progressively more serious until the last one, the official shutoff note. The first letter was printed on company letterhead, sealed in a nice pretty clean envelope, and I think it had perfume sprayed on it. The last one is a shitty cardstock doortag that someone blew their nose into and it says, Listen, you deadbeat motherfucker. We are NOT playing with your broke ass. You will come up with our goddamn money or we will eviscerate you and play a little double dutch with your intestines. Just to drive the point home, we came over and turned off your gas and we have your cat. If you want to see little Mister Pickles again, you will cut us a check with all speed.

GET US OUR MONEY NOW, ASSHOLE!

-Guy who wants to kill you

Mister Pickles was the tabby who belonged to the stoner living behind us, and I have good information that he will pee all over the Gas Company’s rugs, so I don’t feel too bad. I’d pee on them myself if it wouldn’t be a parole violation.

Of course when I went to get my service turned on at the new crib, the little issue of the $189.27 came up, and I told the nice lady that I had tried many times to explain that I didn’t live there when the service was being rendered. I was transferred to several different people, and madly writing down their names as I went from person to person so I would know who to bitch to when I have to call back. From the looks of it, you have to be named after a type of mathematics or a venereal disease to work there. I spoke with Laconchka, Herpetia, Episiometry, Lasagna, Secretia, Algebra, and a host of others in my quest for a solution that involved me not giving anyone any money. The keeper of the mighty therm scepter turns out to be a girl named (and I have no idea how to pronounce it even after she tried to explain) Tuicania. She wanted me to fax a copy of the lease proving when we left the apartment, and I did so. I called back to check up on it a short time later.

Georgia Natural Gas, this is Marizapaminellanoidal Contusion, how can I help you?

Yes, this is Dusty. I just faxed a copy of my lease to you guys to help me clear up some ugliness having to do with money that I don’t owe.

Who di’ you fas it to?

Ummm…tweek…aaaahhh…nooiiyyaahh.

Ohh, Tuicania. (As if this name was as common as “jeff”) jes a minute.

This is Tuicania, can I help you?

Yes, this is Dusty, I spoke to you a minu—

Dusty?! Fax says “Josh” on it.

That’s my brother. The lease was in his name.

Oh, well, it has to be in your name if you want to do this.

Awesome. I’ll just jump in my time machine and change that.

Time machine? I didn’t say nothing about no time machine.

Forget it. What can I do to get this taken care of, Toucan Sam?

Tuicania.

That’s what I said. What are my options here?

Well, you can have this Josh person call me and verify that this is correct.

Okay, I’ll see if I can round him up. Thanks for your patience.

*click*

I had no intention of calling my brother and having him call her and all of that crap (since I was pretty sure they weren’t testing DNA over the phone line), so I just waited a few minutes, practiced sounding like a taller better looking version of myself, and called her back.

Georgia Natural Gas, how can I help you?

Is this Tweakanism?

This is Tuicania, who am I speaking with?

This is Josh, Dusty’s brother.

Oh, okay, you sound much taller and better looking. (she didn’t really say that, but I’m sure she was thinking it)

What kind of trouble did my big brother get into this time? (chuckle) The scamp.

No trouble, we just have to verify that you, as the person who signed this lease, moved out of the house on Burke road on the 31st of may of last year.

(I am still absolutely confused as to what relevance this has to who pays the bill and when, but she seems to be happy with the way it is going, so I play along)

Yes, ma’am, we sure did. Didn’t Dusty tell you guys to shut off the Gas?

That’s what we’re trying to determine. (sounding snippy)

Sorry, Tweekles. Just asking.

It’s Tuicania.

Right. Tabatha. Got it.

*exasperated sigh* okay, we’re going to adjust the amount owed and send you a bill for the seven days in May that were not paid for.

Don’t send it to me. Send it to my brother. He’s always getting into some kind of mess. Have you ever watched Gilligan’s Islan-

That’s what we’re going to do. Is there anything else?

Nope. Thanks for your help. You want to talk to Dusty? I can get him. He’s in the clothes hamper playing racecar.

No thank you. Thank you for calling Georgia Natural Gas.

Didn’t have much choice. See you later.

*click*

Fortunately, most of the other companies I dealt with were aloof, but non-combative. I think everything else is taken care of, but I still haven’t called the cable company. They are known for terrible service, and may be another good entry.

Stay tuned for the part two of the moving saga- The wacky characters from the leasing company.

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