Okay, now’s the part where I risk losing any shred of respect any of you may have once had for me and admit that I watched the last two episodes of Joe Millionaire in their entirety. In my defense, I will add that I was working on drawing a portrait at the same time AND drinking a beer, for whatever that is worth. The morbid fascination had me- what kind of women would go on this show? Just curious. I started watching when all but two of them had been eliminated, and they were showing clips from the previous shows. Pardon me for being cynical (which I NEVER am), but do we need a clip show for a program that has only been on for six weeks? “Oh, I remember how things used to be, five weeks ago, when everybody got along…gee, how the relationships have matured.” Come ON. Clearly this is geared toward people who have nothing at all to do with their time but watch the show…err…and portrait artists/budding alcoholics who the network wants to pull in to their web of scandal and sluttiness.

I sat last night with the ladyfriend and watched the entire two hours of the final episode, sharing my theories of what I thought would be the twist at the end. My theories kicked all ass over what really happened. I mean, the thought crossed my mind that FOX would make him rich and all of those women would feel like dicks for being so self righteous in their statements that they weren’t in it for the money, but that conclusion seemed too contrived even for FOX. Mine were more like “Okay, the blonde chick took a fistful of fertility pills and talked the heavy equipment driver into plowing her field, so she’d be carrying a litter of his filthy bastard spawn and would get a piece of the action win or lose.” Or, he’s already married TO A MAN, but that doesn’t matter, because the girl he chooses was cloned from bits of an alien and can morph into any being she wants. Now THAT’s reality.

He ended up picking this girl named Zorro, who looked much more feminine without the mask and cape. The show went along, leading the audience to draw their own conclusions about the type of people these last two women were. The blonde was a bitchy little whore in this episode, trying to be all manipulative with her tiny little mind working overtime to come up with such eloquent quips as “he’s as good as mine”. In the previous episode she was portrayed as a nice girl, even going out into the woods with Joe and his front-end loader to clear his hydraulic lines.

That’s kind of where I got the idea that she got pregnant to get some money, which would have been the ultimate form of child abuse on one hand, but great for ratings on the other. Where do we draw the line between the mental health of a child and our desire for riveting television? Where indeed…

Needless to say I had this preconception of twenty gold digging slutbags vying for some idiot’s fake money, and I was largely right. However, as much as I want to think this Joe guy is another good-looking idiot, and as much as he pretty much is, they did a great job of editing in a very genuine side of the guy. If he really used to model, and he really gave it up to drive a bulldozer, well I think that is just pretty damn cool. I’m kind of doing the same thing, except replace modeling with “doing whatever the marketing department tells me to, because my modeling career was hampered by the fact that I am not found attractive by other members of my species” and driving a bulldozer with “flying an airliner”, which is essentially the same thing, except the pay is better. Okay, the principle is there.

This Zorro girl is also apparently a model human being. They showed clips of retarded kids telling how she rescued a thousand puppies from a burning bus, and how she works with the elderly for free, councils the terminally ill, and the mayor of her city was saying that she may in fact be God himself, pending the DNA test results.

Based on these facts, I figured he’d go with the blonde girl, Suzie or whatever her name was, because she’s a dumb bitch who I think got a boob job for the purpose of coming on that show (which may be the single dumbest thing I have ever heard of) and he’s a violently retarded assclown. They interviewed the girls, and they all said “he’s so charming, I just felt myself attracted to him for some reason.”

Sorry ladies, gotta’ call bullshit on this one.

Here is why you were attracted to him, followed by proof in the form of a social experiment- He is about nine feet tall, muscular, and good looking. You think he has a crazy pad in France somewhere, and you’ve seen pictures of him modeling with what appears to be a family of ferrets in his underwear. Alpha male. That is why you are attracted to him. He is not charming, and I can prove it. As a guy who has pretty much nothing to offer but charm (and I don’t exactly have that in spades either), I give you this scenario:

FOX decides to run an edgy reality show called “Dusty Tenthousandaire”, and I walk around with women saying the same things as Joe Backhoe said on his show, even in the same tone and in my version of the same situations. We take my four-door Accord to Freedom park and pet other peoples’ dogs, then we rent a movie and drink cheap wine until she’s drunk enough to make out with me. I promise you that I would not be seen as the least bit charming. In place of that word, they might use “unnerving”, “creepy”, “trying too hard”, or “annoying”.

“Here Dusty, have some Goat Cheese pizza”

“Goat cheese tastes like toejam. I hate that shit.”

I paraphrase, but when he said it, he was a tall hot dude with a stuffed animal in his shorts, while I would be an angry little fussbudget who is never happy.

I always hear women saying that guys only like a girl if she looks good, regardless of her lack of brains. I agree that for the most part that is true. Most beautiful women I have met simply don’t have much else to offer. I still know and am related to some guys who refuse to accept that a girl is completely worthless as a human being because they think she is hot (even when she actually looks like there may be an extra chromosome in there somewhere). This is very sad and counterproductive to me, but I can only live my own life.

Trackback URI |