Letters to God
October 25th, 2005 by Dusty
These letters were originally posted on Ebaumsworld. That’s the first place I saw them anyway. I did not write them. They were probably written by someone much smarter than I, or maybe actually written by first graders, who are also much smarter than I. They were cute and amusing to read, and you’d think that would be good enough…
But just for the hell of it, let’s suppose God is a cynical jerk.
Joyce,
Well, excuse the shit outta’ me. How ‘bout you just be happy your little brother isn’t retarded and I’ll forget you wrote that letter?
-GOD-
Robert,
Of course I’m American. Don’t you listen to anything your President says?
-GOD-
George W. Bush would be a way better God. Don’t you watch FOX news?
-GOD-
Jonathan,
I guess you aren’t a dinosaur, then.
Actually we would have a country, and it would be way cooler than the one we have now. Unfortunately I was only allowed to make one thing that was 100% badass, and I chose to create Vin Diesel. I have to live with that every day.
-GOD-
I can’t make fun of that one. That’s probably the most adorable thing ever written.
Elliott,
No one likes a kissass, not even God.
-GOD-
Neil,
Enclosed you will find two anatomically correct dolls. Put X’s on all the places they kissed each other and I will deal with it from there. Follow them around and remind them not to sin. If they ask, tell them you are doing God’s work. Everybody buys that one. If you run into anyone from the ACLU, tell them you are a terrorist and you are doing God’s work. They’ll do anything to avoid offending you.
-GOD-
Ginny,
Okay. From now on, February 19th is called “Ginny is a self-involved bitch” day.
Glad I could help out.
-GOD-
Nan,
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know your family, and they are douchebags. Plus, I don’t love EVERYBODY. Just white males.
-GOD-
Larry,
Actually that whole thing was a coverup for a gambling ring we had going for a while. I thought Cain was way tougher, but my know-it-all-thinks-he-walks-on-water son was all “Oh Abel could kick his ass any day.” And just like that we had a cage match going. The whole thing got so tragically out of hand so fast…don’t tell anyone I told you, and I won’t tell anyone the real reason that fluffy limps.
-GOD-
