Today, looking through my stats (because I want to know who’s watching and how often), I found a few interesting things. I get a dozen or so hits via google searches per day, and they are almost always weird. Today someone found my diary by going to google and searching for “poo stained panties”. The fact that my diary can be found by that search is not nearly as disturbing as the fact that someone was actively searching for pages relating to poo-stained panties. I also show up at the top of the list if you google search for “blastball crack”. I don’t know either, so don’t ask. The only one that made any sense at all was a Yahoo search for drunk pork.

I am also getting linked through the breast cancer site somehow, so here’s me returning the favor. They must have gotten word that I am a big fan of breasts.

My interest was piqued further, however, when I noticed an abnormal amount of .gov addresses that were coming to read my stuff. Some were yaddayadda.secretagent.cia, or even blahblahblah.faa.gov, which was particularly interesting as that would be the Federal Aviation Administration, and I would be a pilot. They might be doing a study to see whether I am mentally competent to fly airplanes (if you have to ask, you don’t want to know), or if I am an Al Quaeda ringleader. I bet every FBI spook in the country will get a red flag now that I have the words “Al Quaeda ringleader” in my diary and they’ll all have to come check it out. Just in case that doesn’t do it, I’ll add the following-

NUCLEAR BOMB CERAMIC GUN HIJACKING METH LAB DRUG CARTEL HAND GRENADE MAKING INSTRUCTIONS NAKED KIDS PICTURES CIA IS A BUNCH OF HOMOS TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP

Hey, hits is hits, right? I’ll look for a spike in hits from .gov addresses. They’re going to be so disappointed to find that the closest I have ever come to committing a crime was the time I planned on killing the next person who broke into my car. I still plan on doing that, by the way, so my advice to you, mister government secret agent now reading my diary, is to go ahead and firebomb the areas under the overpasses near my house to eradicate the urban outdoorsman population in the area. Yes, you’d be killing them, but it is for their own protection.

You know how the Discovery channel will tell you how big something is in a way that is obviously too hard for their mouth breathing audience to comprehend, so they have to retardify it so that we can understand it in terms of a number of shoeboxes, swimming pools, or toasters? No? Here’s an example-

The Movax UQ-128 siclestripper can run 24 hours a day, and make over 26,000,000 tongue depressors every minute. This means that in one week and with enough Mexican labor, you could construct a tongue depressor bridge from New York to Argentina if you were so inclined. Such a bridge could be used to SMUGGLE DRUGS TO AMERICA, or something.

There is a point to this…

I checked to see how many abnormally intelligent people out there have my little Pork Tornado diary listed as a favorite, and holy crap, 375 folks. I’m catching up to Scanzilla, and my only ambition is to be as much like him as I can, except for the love of Satan.

375 people means that if one person listed my diary as a favorite every day for a year, there would still be 10 people left over. As I was typing that sentence, two more people signed up, so MAKE THAT 12 people standing in line!! That is enough people to drive 377 cars. If you shaved the heads of all of those people, their hair would fill an average sized wading pool. That is enough hair to make over 500 really gross milkshakes with hair in them and sell them to unwitting health club members because hair is protein. If I were to line these people up and talk to each of them about how frigging cool they were for one minute each, it would take me over six hours. That is enough hours for six average lunch breaks, or two of my lunch breaks.

Speaking of shaved heads, I shaved mine because I want to look like a totally cool badass tough guy.

It sort of worked, but black people think I hate them now, because your love of minorities increases proportionally with the length of your hair. That is why hippies are incapable of fighting with anyone. I figured a goatee would complete the badass look, but sadly I am a genetic mutant incapable of growing anything that looks like facial hair. Every year I think to myself “Surely I am old enough to grow a moustache” (hair does grow on my chin, just not my lip), so I’ll try it again. I don’t shave my upper lip for a couple of weeks. I am sad to report that for the sixteenth year in a row, “Project: Moustache” was a miserable failure. After two weeks, there was a weird patch of inconsistent coarse blonde hairs above my mouth, and four or five weird curly black whiskers. This gave me the look of an established pedophile who had an allergic reaction to nasal spray, so I shaved it off for the good of the people. Maybe I’ll grow out my nose hairs and style them into a cool handlebar thing.

I got a new computer, or as I like to call it, a new computer. It is all mega fast, and I got it really cheap, so I’m smart. The guy who built it for me said it had a 3 gig processor and 60 gig striped this and some 400 front side something else, and some blinking lights. In the process of researching parts for my new confuser, I learned a few things. Okay, one thing- a computer that would cost me $1000 to build myself would cost me $4000 to buy from Dell, Gateway, or any other ready-made computer farm. The only downside is that I don’t get the free support, so I can’t look forward to waiting three hours on hold to talk to some buttpump who knows less than I do about my computer. The good part is that I can open poorly photo shopped naked photos of the Olsen twins in half the time. Isn’t that what powerful computers are all about?

You want to know what the five best shows on TV are? Here they are-

5. Monster House

4. Monster Garage

3. Any other “Monster” show I haven’t mentioned, including American Chopper, which doesn’t have the word monster in it, but clearly should because of Paul Senior’s moustache.

2. Blind Date, especially the episodes where the two people hate each other. And the ones where they end up humping fifteen minutes after they meet.

1. Anything on Discovery Wings

Now you know. If you don’t agree, you are wrong.

Last Sunday I went fishing with Cram and my brother. We didn’t catch much, but we definitely came up with a cool idea. We’re going to build a raft out of driftwood and twine, put a ratty sail-like thing on it, wear some old clothes and look all worn out, and set sail on one of the small lakes at stone mountain. We’ll ask fishermen for water or whatever rations they can provide, and when we finally wash ashore at one of the redneck campgrounds, we’ll collapse exhaustedly in the sand. The alternate plan calls for us to use authentic Cuban citizens and a coast guard helicopter, but that might be too real.

I need to find out what twine is, and where I can buy it.

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