It’s been a strange week. The GDP is growing at a rate we haven’t seen in 20 years, unemployment is down to only one percent above the “total employment” number (that is considered to be 5%, or where everyone who wants to work has a job), the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world met in London to address the war in the mideast, and look at a bunch of people with signs about hating them, Bush lost a lot of support by passing an obscenely expensive medicare bill…

And we’re all thinking, “What the hell is up with that Michael Jackson character?”

Seriously. His major problem stems from the same problem many people in positions of power suffer from. No, not the pedophilia part…hear me out. These guys (CEO’s, Celebrities, others with seemingly limitless money and power) begin to surround themselves with people who won’t say what they don’t want to hear. I was talking to a friend at dinner the other night who used to work for a large bank, and one of the tasks he was saddled with was the business proposition for the justification of the purchase of a Gulfstream V jet. This is a $40,000,000 aircraft with a $400,000 annual operating cost. Many large companies have them, that’s not the point. The reason they wanted to upgrade from the Gulfstream IV is because the cargo hold was bigger on the new one. Why did they need a bigger cargo hold? Because the CEO’s wife liked to shop for furniture while she was traveling, and wanted to make sure she could fit things like sofas and beds in the hold. Also, one of the uses this plane served was the time the CEO and his wife went from their Miami home to New York, and upon arriving, she realized that she had forgotten to bring the jelly she likes on her bagel in the morning. If it were you or me, we’d be all “oh, damn. Forgot the jelly. Who cares?”

But they sent the jet back to Miami to get her jelly and bring it back to New York. At a cost of $5,000 per hour. You’ll note that none of this has anything to do with running a bank.

I know that he is the CEO, and ultimately there are no laws in place to prevent this kind of insanity, but the reason it exists at all is that somewhere along the line, people get rich enough to create their own utopia. One where everyone around you thinks your jokes are funny, you can spend $10,000 to make sure you aren’t using some off brand bullshit jelly on your bagels for one day, and no one questions when you build a frigging amusement park so you can fuck little boys without having to kidnap them first.

Not saying he’s guilty or innocent. Honestly, no matter how bad it looks and how freaky he is, I’m not making a call until I see (actually I’d rather just hear it) proof. That may surprise some of you, but in his messed up mind, in his utopia surrounded by people who are highly paid enough to not question anything, he could very well have come to believe that a 45 year old man sleeping with 12 year old boys wasn’t going to raise eyebrows. If you think about it, it’s not that much beyond the $10,000 jelly model. It just happens to fall in an area where there are laws.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. The line between molestation and making love is a thin and blurry one. Take it from someone who knows.

In any case, he’ll get off scot-free because he is white.

And a woman.

But I am tired of hearing about it. The only reason I wrote about it is because people wanted me to, and I had that not-so-brilliant parallel all drawn up.

What I really wanted to write about is my new toy airplane and how sometimes it is okay to leave a bathroom without washing your hands. I also had an idea for a matrix board to go in the back window of my car to convey messages to drivers behind me.

First, my toy airplane. The guy who designed it called it “Darth Smaul”. I’m not a fan of the name, but that’s only because I think SciFi is lame. No, I didn’t like any of the Matrix movies, and no, it wasn’t because I “didn’t get it”. It’s not that hard to “get”.

Anyway, this guy had designed this model, and had heard about my Jedi model building abilities thru my agent or maybe my 2003 calendar, so he chose me to do a test build of it. I think it is a cool looking plane, so I designed a cool looking covering job for it and dropped a $150 motor in it to see if I could melt the wings off of it. As I built it, we went back and forth about some design issues (I knew that industrial design degree would come in handy), and now I am helping with the instruction manual so he can start selling kits. If anyone wants one, let me know.

You can’t deny that sick covering job.

You also can’t deny my cool hat, so don’t even try to step to it. ‘cause you will fall down, and your shoes will come off.

So I was in the bathroom at work, washing my hands, and I saw a couple of guys leave without washing their hands. Gross. Not like they have scrotal rot or anything that I know of, but there are still probably little bits of penis on their hands when they go to open a door, eat lunch, or *gasp* shake someone’s hand. Come to think of it, if you really hated your boss, and were a total pussy about standing up to him, a really passive aggressive thing to do would be not to wash your hands, and then go up to him and compliment him on doing a great job, slap him on the back, and shake his hand. The whole time you are doing this, think to yourself, “haaa…aww…yeah…Do you like shaking my dick? ‘Cause that’s what you’re doing, Jackass. Welcome to Neverland. In my pants. Call me Michael. By the way, I just rubbed it on the back of your blazer, too.”

Then walk away whistling the Jackson hit “beat it”. It’ll kick ass.

The very same day, I stopped in a bathroom to make tinkle on the way home from work, and I left without washing my hands. The reason for that was simple. If there was any part of that bathroom that was cleaner than my dick, I’ll give you a $10,000 jar of jelly and shake your hand. I could have crapped directly in my hands and they still would have been cleaner than if I had touched the faucet in there. So it is justified in some cases.

Lastly, my idea for a Matrix board for my car. Keep the keyboard up front, and type messages to drivers behind you. Like instead of the wave, have “thanks for letting me in” programmed in. Or “oh, sorry. I am a dumbass. My bad.” for when you cut someone off. It says so much more than the sheepish head duck we all do. Of course there would also be the “Could you back off a bit, please? You’re making me nervous”, which would then escalate to “Please back off. I’m just going to start driving more slowly and you’ll get mad”, and finally, “Okay, captain cock. I have asked twice. I am loading my gun, so back the fuck off so you can see your family again.”

I’d also program in the following for various occaisions-

“Stop flashing your tits at me. I am in a committed monogamous relationship.”

(does everyone have this problem ,or is it just me?)

“I am being carjacked. Call my dad”

“Turn on your lights. It is nighttime”

“Your blinker is on”

“Are you going to turn, or do you just like the clicking sound your blinker makes?”

“If you think this matrix board is cool, you should see the plane I built”

“Your bumper stickers indicate that you are a pacifist. Please pull over so I can punch you”

“Follow me to Neverland”

“I see you are yelling at me and think I drive poorly. Call 404.328.9110 and tell me what the problem is.”

(no, that is not my real number, but it would be if it was on the matrix board)

“honk if you hate noise pollution”

“There is a bee in my car. Please excuse any erratic or sudden maneuvers while I fight for my life”

“I am drunk. Just give me some room.”

The uses are limitless. I’m going to do it.

Of course, the last time I wrote the rules of the road, some guy left a really super long entry in my guestbook detailing how much he hates me and how he would find out where I live and come to my house “with a loaded Rueger and a baseball bat”. That seemed to me to be a threat on my person, so I kept a copy of it and found him thru his IP address and asked him about it. He claims I was being melodramatic in considering that a death threat. My mistake. I guess he was going to gently caress my balls with the handle of the pistol while anally pleasuring himself with the bat. Thanks for the offer, but that’s not my thing.

Just a misunderstanding.

Have a good Holiday, everyone. Except the guy with the gun/bat thing. I hope his turkey is dry.

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