The company I work for just moved into a new building

because the one we were in was falling down around us, and we needed more space for all of our new employees. There was some confusion as to who was getting an office, who would have a window seat, and so on, but I managed to stay out of that mess. They offered to give me an office, which would have had a window and all that, but after hearing a bunch of grown ups whine about “he got an office and I didn’t” and so on, I declined the office (on principle) in favor of a cubicle. Luckily, my cube does have a window. It’s just sort of far away.

Notice the fluorescent lights. Apparently we are part of a science experiment to see if humans can work in what amounts to a giant tanning bed. 5,000 watt tubes packed into a billion fixtures are like a bunch of recessed supernovi, and I fail to understand how anyone can see their monitors. Of course, I have more of a need to see correct color on my monitor, since I am the graphics pig and all. While whining about problems with the new office seemed to be the order of the day, I opted to actually “fix the problem”, which confused some people. As some of you may know, I am an Industrial Designer by trade (and still would be if they made the kind of money I make as a graphic artist), and as such am all about inventing things. Using some heat shields from the space shuttle, kevlar/carbon fiber mat composite, titaniumum substructure, and a team of Scandinavian bikini models/scientists, I fashioned the first prototype of the “GlareGon 2000 r1.0”. Notice that trendy capital letter standing up defiantly in the middle of the word.

There is even a custom integrated ergonomic head notch with a strap to hold my head in the proper position. Next I will be installing a spoiler.

The other day I sent out an office-wide e-mail asking everyone to submit their name, titile, and contact info to their managers so that it could be approved and sent to me and I could have the business cards made. Simple enough? Well, it turns out I misspelled a word and ended up asking everyone to submit their info to their “manger”. Gary, our new CEO, found that a good opportunity to send out a company wide e-mail making fun of Dusty’s inability to spell. When you do this stuff to me, I file it away in a little compartment of my brain, where it is spring loaded and sharpened in preparation for its eventual return to its owner. A couple of days ago, Gary sent out this e-mail-

To: xxxxxusers

Subject: Compnay meeting today

All,

Let’s get together for a short meeting at 3:30 today in the back conference room.

Gary

Of course, his misspelling in the subject line was worth risking my job for, so-

To: xxxxxusers

Subject: Re: Compnay meeting today

Great, I’ll be sure and tell my manger about the compnay meeting, spelly.

-=D=-

To which he then responded-

To: Dusty Scott

Subject: Re: Compnay meeting today

You’re fired.

Gary

Later that day, he stopped at my desk and said, “I thought I fired you. What are you still doing here?” To which I responded, “Cleaning out my desk. You want my dictionary?”

He then fired me again, which I took to negate the first firing, so I came to work again today. God, I love corporate America.

Today I plan on being fired for the third time this week, because we have these two identical sets of solid wood doors leading out of the office, and one leads into a closet, while the other actually goes to the elevators. People kept opening the doors to the closet while trying to leave, and it was becoming a problem. I was in that damn closet for half an hour before someone heard me crying and rescued me. The solution is a sign that says “Not an exit” on it, stuck to the outside of the closet door. Gary is a huge fan of that sign, so I moved it over to the actual exit door, hoping he will walk into the closet and make me laugh and get fired again. I wait with bated breath at my cube, peeking stealthily over my Glare-Gon 1.0 (the next iteration will have a periscope complete with tree branches to camouflage it), for the hilarity and firing that is sure to ensue.

The other great thing I did to impress the six salespeople we hired this week was this- I have one of those water jugs, (you know, the 2.5 gallon kind with the built-in spout) at my desk because the water fountain is in the hall, and I’m not getting stuck in that closet again. The sales folks, CEO, and two VP’s were standing on the other side of my cube, and I found that with a cup and the right expression on my face, I can make it look and sound like I am peeing right there in my cube by opening the spout just the right amount. I even did the two squirt finish up thing at the end. Then I just sat back down like nothing was happening and started drinking the contents of the cup. I thought two of the guys were going to hurt themselves laughing, The marketing VP is so used to my shit that he just shook his head and rolled his eyes, and Gary laughed while he fired me, which didn’t count. Because he was laughing.

Don’t you wish you worked with me?

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