Wow. I got a whole night’s rest last night. I almost feel human. This morning I got up early to go flying, and found out that flying skills have a short shelf life. I was getting warmed up by the time I landed back at the Mighty Falcon Field, but I need to go back to flying at least once a week if I want to stay sharp.

We’re starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel on this project at work, so we just might finish it without loss of life. When it’s finished, I’ll post a link and you can all tell me how it sucks and we wasted countless man-hours and so on. I won’t care, because at the end of the day, I get to go home. Speaking of “all of you”don’t you think this is a bit sick? in case that link doesn’t work (and I doubt it will), it shows over 500 folks have me listed as a favorite. Come on. I mean, sure sometimes I have amusing moments, but my stuff is generally low-brow observational humor and poop jokes. I’m not even very creative. Then again, 534 people out of the sixteen kajillion in the world isn’t a huge percentage, so I should probably shut up and stop taking crazy pills.

In the course of this insane project, I invented a new corporate communication system that is just kick ass enough to work. We have ordered food almost every day for the past two weeks, and I find myself overrun with the little salt packets, plastic forks, and ketchup packs that come with delivery food. Late one night, our instant messaging server was down, forcing us to have to physically interact. Having none of that, I stuck a post it note to the closest Chinese condiment packet, threw it into the Marketing VP’s office, and Ducksauce Messenger 1.0 was born.

People, let me tell you how great ideas come to life. Forget the days of the Instant Messenger “incoming message” tone. Nothing will grab your attention faster than getting smacked in the face with a packet of Kari-Out duck sauce. The cute panda on the package says “do whatever this note says or you’ll get fired” in the nicest way possible. Plus, Ducksauce Messenger 1.0 doesn’t give a flying shit if your server is working or not. The power could be out in the whole building, and if there is enough light to read, this .27 oz packet of water, sulfited apricots, sugar, vinegar, salt, caramel color, food starch modified, spices, and 1/10 of 1% sodium benzoate aims to please.

And don’t EVEN try to steal my idea. I’ve already photographed the details, written a huge description, and mailed it to myself, so in the event of patent infringement, I have a sealed, government date stamped envelope proving it was my idea first. Bitches

Look forward to upcoming releases, which may feature soy sauce, mayo, and high speed tobasco.

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