Love blooms…just not for me.

January 19th, 2004 by

Hey guys, the project from hell is almost finished. That’s right, the assignment with which I and two of my lucky co-workers was charged is launching at 9:00 tomorrow morning. Doug and Nate and I plan on holding hands as Nate pushes the “go” button that will take the site live.

I’m thinking of inventing a position for myself within the company. I am sort of known as the guy who is funny and dumb around the office. Maybe even “so dumb it’s funny”. In any case, as much as I joke about the stupid bullshit that goes on in the office, it is inherent in the system, and gives the place some color. Plus, the 39 other geeks I work with comprise possibly the most talented group of humans I have ever seen in one place.

Please note: talented does not imply “functional”. I’d bet that around 75% of the people I work with have genius IQ’s, and most geniuses are dysfunctional in some way. The company has its share of quirks.

Now that I’m well off track, I’ll get back to my self-appointed duty. I, Dusty Scott, head moody creative weirdo and all-purpose art guy, will decide every month on one employee who deserves the title of “Dusty’s employee of the month”. I decide the criteria, and I decide who gets it. I’m going to come up with a trophy in the form of my face in a picture frame, and hopefully a more creative title than “Dusty’s employee of the month”. Maybe “employ-d of the month”, or “person I think worked hard and did a good job”. Those ideas suck, but the concept is still in its infancy.

I’m glad I wrote that down. Much more glad than you are.

My cat fell in love with a hammer late last week. It is a total win-win. Queasy found happiness, and I’m not as bad off as my cat. I’m not kidding. She happens to have feline OCD and becomes fixated with things sometimes, but this time I think it is for real. I came home late one night, and apparently I had to hammer something. I don’t remember. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. When I finished hammering something, I left my 16ounce hammer on the floor in front of the TV because real men know how a hand tool needs to be treated. I just remember looking over a few minutes later and seeing my cat become very interested in the hammer.

I just re-read that last paragraph, and felt it necessary to reassure you that I am not making any of this up. I don’t care how creative you are, a cat/hammer love story never crossed your mind.

Back to the affair- Queasy was rubbing her face all over the rubber grip of the hammer like she was trying to make out with it. Disturbing as it was, I found it impossible to tear my eyes off of the scene that unfolded. My mind ran away with it of course, inventing romance novel covers featuring a flat-faced white cat and a blue framing hammer riding a white stallion down the beach at sunset, naming said book “Claws of Passion”, getting a movie deal, and composing the subsequent musical score. Making a self-indulgent speech at the Oscars that requires the orchestra to play me offstage…

I don’t know how cats act when they want to hump something, but she was definitely giving the hammer the green light. She wants to be more than friends. I hope for her sake the hammer feels the same. I knew she’d be very heartbroken if she woke up the next morning and found that the hammer had been all “I’m not ready for this” and bolted during the night.

I think the hammer is ready for a commitment.

She sleeps most of the day and every night with that hammer. If I want to move the cat, I have to move the hammer. Where the hammer goes, so goes Queaseldean. That is law in chez Dusty. I’m sure this will spawn more entries as the turbulent relationship matures.

For now I’m glad that I am the one in the house who’s not trying to nail a hammer.

It’s almost midnight, and I’m not about to try and top that last line. I need to get my rest.

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